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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Need advice and help re 13 year old daughter please!

80 replies

fiveaday · 27/05/2006 15:08

I have a lovely daughter who is 13, she is a bright happy girl with lots of friends and a healthy social life. Recently she started going out with a 15 year old boy. He is shy but very polite and friendly. He came to spend the evening watching dvds last night, we have always made her friends welcome in our home as we could not bear her to be one of those children who wanders the streets and hangs outside chip shops!

Well it got later and later and she asked if he could stay the night in the spare room, we said yes and phoned to let his parents know. Everyone went to bed and when I got up today they were both in the same bed!!! I was too shocked to say anything but once he had gone I sat her down and told her I was shocked and thought it was totally wrong. She looked at me as if I was a monster and got upset saying that I was awful to suggest that anything had gone on.She said "god mum, I'm only 13, I hven't even kissed him!" She said she woke up early and went in to talk to him and they both fell asleep again. I do trust her and know that she is in no way ready to even contemplate anything but it still seems wrong to me that they were in bed together. I'm actually really upset and she has said sorry but still doesn't seem to see why it is wrong.
Please let me know if you have been thruogh a similar situation....have I over reacted?

OP posts:

sallystrawberry · 27/05/2006 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nothercules · 27/05/2006 16:30

Just dont do a Sallywebster

Original poster

fiveaday · 27/05/2006 16:34

He won't be staying again,well at lest for the next 10 years! My daughter has stayed at his house before but not whilst she hs been going out with him , she is friends whith his sister. I don't think she will be staying again though.

OP posts:

PinkTulips · 27/05/2006 16:35

i'm glad you trust your dd fiveaday, she needs to feel trusted otherwise that teenage rebellious(sp?) streak will just kick in and you will have a problem.

definitely sit her down when she gets back and explain that although you trust her not to do anything your still not comfortable with her hopping in the bf's bed as you don't necessarily trust him, and you don't think it's appropriate at her age anyway. as long as you talk to her like an adult to avoid it turning into a blowout she'll probably listen and take it in, and like i said before, clearly state the new groundrules beofre the bf shows his face next.

i wouldn't bother bringing the bf's parents into it for a once off tbh, lord knows what their opinions on these things might be, you could be opening the pandoras box of 'oh well we'd let them do it at our house' and if your dd catches wind of them saying something like that you'll have a fight on your hands.

glad i've been some help and hope it all resolves without a fight for you

Original poster

fiveaday · 27/05/2006 16:45

I will do that, tell her that I don't know him enough to trust him (and probably never will!)and that it must not happen again. Hubby will be home soon, he was shocked when I told him but he's useless. He will either not say anything at all or go on and on. Don't know which would be worse!

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Original poster

fiveaday · 27/05/2006 16:45

OP posts:

Twiglett · 27/05/2006 16:49

I wouldn't put the blame on him tbh .. I think that takes the responsibility off her

She is your daughter and needs to understand your house rules which do not include her getting into bed with house guests .. no matter how innocently

if you blame him .. he becomes the 'scapegoat'

Original poster

fiveaday · 27/05/2006 16:57

You are right Twiglett, I will tell her I don't trust him but that she should stick firmly to her own bed from now on. There's a discussion I didn't think I'd be having for a few years yet!

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thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 27/05/2006 17:29

I think this is quite difficult you know. On the one hand you want to say you trust her, (which, in this case means you believe her when she said there was nothing more to it than lying in bed and maybe a snog) but on the other hand you want to explain why you are upset. If you think carefully there's a flaw in that which any self respecting teenager would spot and exploit. The only reason to be upset is because you don;t trust her (either in this case of in the future). Explaining why sex at age 13 is not a great idea is easy - and it sounds like you dd will be pretty receptive to all those arguments. Explaining why sharing a bed is not a good idea, (especially when simultaneously professing trust)is not so easy. And this is presumably why she doesn't understand you being upset. I have no idea what the answer is to that but I just think that might be what you come up against!

fairyjay · 28/05/2006 14:58

My mum always said to me 'it's not you I don't trust, it's the little b's your with!!'

MarsLady · 28/05/2006 16:11

I totally agree with the setting down of ground rules. I also think that honesty is important (even though we know that they will and do lie to us).

I think that whilst you're setting down the ground rules you might like to think ahead to any others that you'll be wanting to set and set them now.

Tortington · 28/05/2006 16:59

id not be happy at my 13 yo have ing a 15 year old boyfriend - i would make him so shit scared - next time he was round if it was me i would have a serious talk about him being prosecuted for statuatory rape - so he better keep his dick in his pants.

the difference between 15 & 13 is enourmous IMO

nothercules · 28/05/2006 17:02

When my kids become teenagers, custardo, I'm going to hire you and pay you a lot of money for advice!

Tortington · 28/05/2006 17:11

egseelent!!

pippo · 28/05/2006 18:03

At the risk of sounding controversial I think it says alot for your daughters relationship with you that she felt comfortable enough to have you meet her boyfriend and ask for him to stay over.
I remember chuckling with my boyfriend (now dh!!) about what we saw to be our parents hangups re 'bed' and 'night time'. After all sex does not have to be confined to the bedroom - I think I'm right in saying that the majority of teen pregnancies begin at 4.00pm in the avo.
I'm not saying that I think you are wrong to lay ground rules, but I guess I think it would be a real shame if your daughter no longer saw you as her confident.
Do you think it would be worth talking to your dd about things that can happen before full intercourse?
Would she be aware of these and the (although slim) possibilities of getting pregnant this way?

Although I can well understand your feelings of being taken for a ride, could it be that your dd is upset because she feels you have percieved her to be more capable of adult activity, than she feels she is herself?
Although I see that you need to take action as a result of this episode, the work I have carried out with yp really leads me to believe that many teen pregnancies are the result of poor self esteem rather than anything else, so try not to worry too much - atleast your dd knows ahe is loved and cared for.

nothercules · 28/05/2006 18:05

Interesting post, pippo. Especially about the 4pm thing. Can I ask what you do?

pippo · 28/05/2006 18:10

social worker!!!

brimfull · 28/05/2006 18:28

I showed this thread to my 14yr old dd and she said you shouldn't be worried and to believe your dd as she sounds "normal".I asked her if she thought the bf should be spoken to and she said no as he would scarper and your dd would be really hurt and annoyed.
Just thought I'd let you know another teens opinion.

Original poster

fiveaday · 28/05/2006 21:04

Thanx for the support, especially ggirl's 14 year old.

Custardo, I don't think the age gap is noticable at all, infact the boys in dd's class all seem so much younger than her, boys do seem to mature alot later than girls imo. And although I will be having a word with the bf I will not scare the poor boy off with talk of statutory rape as I really don't think that is the case.

We did have our chat last nite and my dd has accepted why I found it upsetting and I have put some house rules in order, hopefully she will respect them.
Pippo I have shown my dd your posting and said that is exactly how I felt and hugged me and we had a few tears...with hubby looking on in a bemused fashion. He has just said (out of ear shot of dd) that he hopes I am that understanding if I find him in bed with someone!I think that was his idea of a joke!

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Tortington · 29/05/2006 00:38

aww look love am not being funny like ut . 15 its shitloads differnt from 13

i hav e a 16 yar old and a 13 year old (twins as it happens but lets not go there)

now think
13 i s year 8
or 2n d year in my day
or a 15 yr old
year 4 0r5 in my day
that like the whole of fucking senior schol and - look am, gonna be blunt if you dont think a 5 yar olf isgonna get his end away at any opportunity - look am soory chuck but your not in my world. this kid wants a shag - your kid is 13. ITS YOUR JOB TO PROTECT HER make sure you do it

MarsLady · 29/05/2006 00:41

despite custy's present state, I do agree with her that there is a big difference between 13 and 15.

I work with teenagers from 14 -18. DS1 is 13. Trust me! There is a world of difference between them.

sallystrawberry · 29/05/2006 00:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 29/05/2006 00:44

can't speak for boys but if I think back to me age 13 and me age 15 there was a BIG difference - those 2 years were like a whole life time. I was still a kid at 13. However when i was 14 I went out with a 14 year old boy and it was a wonderful innocent lovely relationship. still think back on him very fondly.

nothercules · 29/05/2006 09:40

HAve to agree again about a 15 year old and 13 year old. 15 year old boys will want to have sex and will push to do so. A 13 year old girl has to be incredibly strong willed to be able to deal with that sort of pressure.
There is no way on this earth that in the 15 year old boys mind, lying in bed with your 13 year old was purely innocent.
My first reaction to this would have been near murder.

Original poster

fiveaday · 30/05/2006 21:35

Do you think that if for one moment I thought anything had happened I would have sat down at my computer and asked for your thoughts....no I would have killed him with my own two hands. I know my daughter and I know this boy and there is not a world of difference between them, I would not have let him into my home if I thought he seemed so much older than her.
I suppose we will have to agree to differ on this one. I was never upset because I thought anything had happened I was upset because it was very inappropriate and quite a shock. I have had an apology from the boyfriend and his parents....he went home upset because he sensed I was mad at them (must have been my red face and trembling hands that did it!).

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