Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Need advice and help re 13 year old daughter please!

80 replies

fiveaday · 27/05/2006 15:08

I have a lovely daughter who is 13, she is a bright happy girl with lots of friends and a healthy social life. Recently she started going out with a 15 year old boy. He is shy but very polite and friendly. He came to spend the evening watching dvds last night, we have always made her friends welcome in our home as we could not bear her to be one of those children who wanders the streets and hangs outside chip shops!

Well it got later and later and she asked if he could stay the night in the spare room, we said yes and phoned to let his parents know. Everyone went to bed and when I got up today they were both in the same bed!!! I was too shocked to say anything but once he had gone I sat her down and told her I was shocked and thought it was totally wrong. She looked at me as if I was a monster and got upset saying that I was awful to suggest that anything had gone on.She said "god mum, I'm only 13, I hven't even kissed him!" She said she woke up early and went in to talk to him and they both fell asleep again. I do trust her and know that she is in no way ready to even contemplate anything but it still seems wrong to me that they were in bed together. I'm actually really upset and she has said sorry but still doesn't seem to see why it is wrong.
Please let me know if you have been thruogh a similar situation....have I over reacted?

OP posts:
PinkTulips · 27/05/2006 15:50

i don't actually think there was anything going on, thats just my opinion though, i think it's unlikely they'd have been that blatently obvious if there had been. teens are well able to sneak around when they want to hide something

as for objecting to kissing, if they're not doing it in the house they'll find somewhere to snog even if it involves standing in busstops in the pouring rain and fiveaday did say she wanted to avoid her dd roaming the streets. i think the trick is to allow just enough that they don't resent the important rules being enforced, otherwise she'll just storm off and you won't have a clue whats going on.

Original poster
fiveaday · 27/05/2006 15:51

Just spoke to my hubby who left for work at 6am this morning and he said the boyfreind was definately alone in his bed then, he knows because he forgot he was in the spare room and walked in to find a clean shirt!

The thing is I do not think that my daightet is lying to me, I really do not think anything went on, but I am upset just by seeing them in bed together. She has gone into town and text me to say she is sorry and it won't happen again but STILL does not know why I am so upset! I think I will sit down with her tonight and try to have an unheated chat just to make her understand how it upset me and to lay down a few rules.
People told me it would get hard during the teenage years but I didn't think I would feel this hopeless already!

OP posts:
nothercules · 27/05/2006 15:51

absolutely sallystrawberry. But if the school is doing it's job then their sre lessons should be good these days.

nothercules · 27/05/2006 15:53

I find it hard to believe a 13 year old doesnt know why you'd be upset to find her in bed with her 15 year old boyfriend. The important thing thought is how you deal with it from now on.

sallystrawberry · 27/05/2006 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fiveaday · 27/05/2006 15:56

God I must be upset - my spelling has gone all to pot!
And thank you Pinktulips you have made me feel calmer and able to see more clearly.

And I want to point out that I do believe my daughter, I do not think she is manipulating me,and I think that she is genuinly surpirised by my reaction.

OP posts:
nothercules · 27/05/2006 15:57

Which is why all schools now have to have an sre policy available to parents. THings are changing and the healthy school initiative plays a big part in this. But you cant cover everything in an hour a week. There are loads of helpful websites out there for parents. Look up the NC and QCA sites where there are not only the guidance for schools but links for parents.

nothercules · 27/05/2006 15:58

That's find, fiveaday. I wouldnt believe my daughter but maybe that's because I work with a wide spectrum of teenagers and my work focus is on SRE.

foxinsocks · 27/05/2006 15:58

I think it's great that you trust her (and vice versa) but I think you need to sit her down and explain why you were so upset - she needs to understand!

nothercules · 27/05/2006 15:58

That's not to say of course there are some 13 and 15 year olds outthere who genuinley have no idea abut sex and the like.

Crystaltips · 27/05/2006 15:59

hard 0 but try not to over-react ...

I have a 13yo DS .... and when I asked him if he wanted any help with his revison ....he yelled at me "Just leave me alone ... OKAY ?"

Point is - teenagers strop when they are thinking that you are having a go - regardless if you are right / wrong / trying to help.
so you can't expect the sweet responses any longer - as remember ...."You just don't understand"

Grin

Kepp going - she's a good girl .... but watch the BF's hormonal urges !! Wink

sallystrawberry · 27/05/2006 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nailpolish · 27/05/2006 16:01

i would be more worried about the 15 yr old boy

maybe your 13 yr old daughter went into see him to chat and climbed in beside him for a cuddle, but im sure his hormones were raging and he had other things on his mind

he sounds like a decent boy, but boys are quite good at persuading girls to take their pyjamas off etc

nothercules · 27/05/2006 16:02

Sadly, so many parents think it's adequate to leave it to the school. I find that half my parents are great and discuss issues at home whilst the other half are horrified at the thought of discussing such things with their kids.

Original poster
fiveaday · 27/05/2006 16:05

My daughter does know all about the birds and bees! We have always talked to each other,she knows I am approachable and she can ask me anything she wants and I answer as truthfully as possible. I don't think the fact that she has his knowledge makes her more likely to have underage sex, infact just the opposite. I think that she knows shes far too young, inexpreienced and its illegal. I think that is why she is so shocked at my reaction, I do think it was done in innocence. But it will not happen again!

OP posts:
sallystrawberry · 27/05/2006 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nothercules · 27/05/2006 16:13

I'm not saying the knowledge makes her want to have sex but I would have thought she would be aware of why you would be concerned at her and her 15 year old boyfriend being in bed together. it doesnt matter really whether she's telling the truth or not though.

Original poster
fiveaday · 27/05/2006 16:18

Of course it matters if she is telling the truth or not...I would be gutted if I thought I could not trust my daughter. I think the fact that you work with teens from a wide spectrum has made you a bit jaded.. I don't think you should treat all teens as liers or with low expectations.

OP posts:
MamaG · 27/05/2006 16:20

There is a lot of good advice on this thread.

I'm going to be the voice of doom and let you know that very recently, my friend's 13 year old DD got pregnant. It was extremely shocking, we did not think she was even thinking about sex let alone doing it.

I think the ground rules are a must and I would certainly not let him sleep over, no matter what room he was in.

Original poster
fiveaday · 27/05/2006 16:21

Sallystrawberry, I did not speak to the boyfriend before he left as I was in a state of shock! I think if I had started on him I would indeed have gone ballistic, I will be mentioning it to him the next time I see him though. I know his parents, should I tell them or let it pass this time?

OP posts:
nothercules · 27/05/2006 16:22

No, but I dont think it's jaded to be suspect if my 13 year old is in bed with a 15 year old.

nothercules · 27/05/2006 16:23

You are right, as a parent you are going to be concerned about honesty but I know my kids will lie to me,it will upset me but I take it as par for the course.

Original poster
fiveaday · 27/05/2006 16:26

God, 13 and pregnant,I would be heart broken to find that out. I will show this thread to my daughter to let her read it for herself. She will know why I was so upset. I want her to enjoy her teens, have fun and be able to waste money on clothes, cds etc and not have to worry about anything.Certainly not to have to worry about a baby.

OP posts:
nothercules · 27/05/2006 16:27

You sound very sensible.

Original poster
fiveaday · 27/05/2006 16:28

Thank you, I would not have got through today without all of the help on this site...to think I usually only come on here to read the funny bits!

OP posts: