Please give me some tips!! I have a 'teenager' and I'm not sure i like it

[NaturalBlondeYeahRight]

DD just 13. There is a lot of eye rolling, looking in mirrors, huffing and puffing about anything we suggest. She rolls up her school skirt a little more each time [I may or may not have done all of the above back in the day]

And the phone! Don't get me started on the phone.

My DMother is metaphorically ROFL. I have another who hits the teens in a year or so.

In seriousness, please give me some strategies. She is a good girl who works hard and is pleasant to outsiders but I'm getting pissed off with this bit already and it's only just begun.

Ignore the irritating points, focus on the good and don't get caught up in the self-fulfilling prophecy of teenage years = stress.

mmm
what numberlock said...
don't sweat the small stuff
you can engage in endless pointless battles with kids this age & it'll make absolutely no difference in the long run
appreciate the nice things & bite your tongue re the rest

I have a soon to be 14yr old who does all of the above.

So far I try and ignore the irritating bits, focus on the good things and think this phase too will pass!

The phone is no longer a problem as it is now lost, less than a year into a two year contract. I count to ten, escape to Hawaii in my head and deep breathe a lot.

What all the others say,
and
keep the lines of communication open... a time each day when you chat, about nothing, aobout everything, but the 'space' is there when they want to tell you / ask you about something. It might be all sitting down together for the evening meal, or it might be in the car on journeys to places, but, however it works for you, keep it going.

I love it now my dc are teens - best times of our family life

Avoid getting sucked into arguments.

Don't ever make negative comments about her boyfriends. Pretend you really like them even if you don't.

Ignore the state of her room unless you're running out of mugs etc!

Put some constraints on how much she uses her phone sooner rather than later if you think she's spending far too much time on it, but remember that her phone is a massive part of her social life.

Give her and her friends lifts - you can learn a lot from hearing her chat away to her friends while you pretend not to listen!

Explain the embarrassing effects of alcohol to her as comprehensively (maybe with a touch of humour) to her as you can - I'm convinced this put my (16YO) DD off (until very recently).

Be prepared to listen to her if she's in a chatty mood even if you're busy or tired.

Nod and smile when she announces that she's become a vegan/young conservative/whatever else. Hopefully it won't last.

Stay calm when she tells you the dreadful story of X,Y,Z and remember that she probably loves a bit of drama/it's all bluster/she's probably exaggerating.

Don't accept too much rudeness. Withdraw extra services if she's persistently rude to you - she needs to understand that you will support her but that even you have your limits.

Give her compliments.

Make fun of the adverts for skin/haircare products and try to make her confident in herself. There's such horrendous pressure to look sexy/well-groomed etc.

Agree with all above but most of all keep the communication open, even after the most horrendous of rows.
My friend will be haunted for ever that she missed a call from her dd and refused to phone her back because of her recent bad attitude. Child hung herself that night. She was 15.

Oh goodness dementedma that's really really awful.

She has been lovely today, hormones eh? Thanks for the suggestions all, it's all very new after the relative ease of the 3-11 child rearing years.

Chocolateluvva Young conservative?? Shudder

Look up the Kevin and Perry sketches by Harry Enfield on You Tube. Helps you to remember its normal and to keep a sense of humour about it.

Oh don't worry, I am plenty old enough to remember those sketches first time around
I was going to mention the sketch where he turns from 12 to 13 overnight.
Perhaps I will show them to DD.....

Aagh - disclaimer - neither of my DCs are 'young conservatives' as far as I know. Or vegans, conveniently. Examples to illustrate my point

My ds1's school actually showed them all the Kevin and Perry sketch in PSHE (or whatever it's called now!) They all loved it! I think adolescence can be quite scary for teenagers - at the moment I feel quite sympathetic to my teen (don't know how long that will last!)

In some ways today's teens have it harder than we did. So much pressure to be well-groomed for example.

I'm dreading it tbh. I have three grown up boys and still feel guilty for stuff I mishandled but I do agree about the communication. My boys always answered their phones to me because they knew I'd reach a compromise on times etc. and not just jump down their throats. It git them out of tricky situations to know they could always phone for help even when they'd been stupid.
I have girls now though and dd is 11 so already see the changes and am trying to retrain myself to remain calm.

If you find any classes in "retraining myself to remain calm" can I come too please?

"Ignore the irritating points, focus on the good and don't get caught up in the self-fulfilling prophecy of teenage years = stress."

This is SO TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!

choco if I find one yes. Failing that I was thinking of sod ding the next 6 yrs pissed.

Naturalblondeyeahright - I agree with all above. My dd is 18 and lovely, but at 15 she argued with everything I said just because I was her mother and said it. It comes as a shock, especially if you have been close. But they have to break away from you in order to grow up and lead their own lives. It is very trying and very hard to keep quiet or walk away. Harder if you are tired or stressed yourself.

Guess you have to try and distinguish when they are pressing your buttons for a reaction (as all children are expert at!) or that they are really upset about something because "everyone else is allowed to do it". Take that one with a pinch of salt, because it may not be true. On the other hand you don't want to forbid too much and alienate them from all their friends.

Being rather aged, I realise just how much more powerful peer pressure is now with phones, texts, Facebook, etc. I agree that you do have to set boundaries. I was really honest about my beliefs, even if they are unfashionable. Don't think dcs respect you if you try to be too like them or be too fashionable. They need some parents to kick against!!!

FWIW usually it passes and you get your lovely dd back again, more adult and more of a friend. It's brilliant. Now I am upset because she'll be leaving home and I'll miss her so much! You can't win!!!

Hope this helps.
Humour helps as well. Good idea to watch Harry Enfield!!

Great advice - I'll try to take it!

"pressing your buttons for a reaction or...really upset" is so true, yet so difficult. I think it's useful to know what's normal behaviour for 'today's teens' and decide how much of that nonsense it you can tolerate versus what's really important to YOU.

I really think there is a lot of self for filling prophecy around teenagers.

If you don't let them start being horrid, sullen and rude when they are 8, 9, 10 they won't be surprised when you don't tolerate it when they are 12, 13, 14.

Anyway living here Parents have the trump card. No public transport, very little mischief in walking distance, they aren't keen cyclists and the wifi routers in my bedroom and the phone chargers are down stairs too.

I'm agreeing with the advice been giving especialy about picking your battles.

Mine are nearly 17 and nearly 14.

We do a lot as a family which is good eg we have a lot of city breaks,DH and DS's working on a car together, we follow the same sports teams and go to the games, we eat out, we go hill walking and mountain biking, we go to the cinema and gigs. All these have given us a common interest and things to talk about.

I welcome their friends into the house, the boys have a lot of freedom but also know the boundaries as well.

We have always acted like this since they were small so nothing really changed when they became teenagers about from the odd rant and temper tantrum ( I just rolled my eyes and said ' It's like the terrible twos again!!)
I wouldn't put up with shouting and personal insults - there was\is always consquences when things get too heated.
Like any other stage in parenting the teen years are just a phase!

I agree with what others have said about chosing your battles.

Dont agree to stuff you feel uncomfortable with and keep communication lines open.

I have reguarly explained to mine that parents have different rules for different reasons and that our house rules are there for a reason.

Also teach her how to use the washing machine and get her looking after her own clothes, otherwise you will be wading through weeks of washing looking for an empty laundry basket