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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

13 yr old dd wants to go to sleepover with friends I've never met...

21 replies

Eowyn · 22/04/2013 19:35

it's for a birthday, noon till noon so she'd be with strangers (to me) for 24 hours, it is at the house of a relative of the girl - no idea where.
I've said no, she can go for the 1st day, surely that is long enough... but she keeps on & on & is driving me mad.
She has some lessons with the girls who'd be there but they aren't her main friends, who I know fairly well.
I daresay they are nice girls, but she is very easily led... am I over-reacting? I don't know any more, this stuff didn't arise when I was young. Help.

OP posts:

cocoplops · 22/04/2013 19:39

Hmmmm......no way would I do that either. 1st day is good compromise. If it was someone you knew maybe but not otherwise.

SwishSwoshSwoosh · 22/04/2013 19:40

I think you know what you think, you have said no, for by sensible reasons, so stand your ground.

dyslexicdespot · 22/04/2013 19:41

That sort of thing did arise when I was young, and I would say that you are not over-reacting.

I don't have a teenager but I think that you might have to get used to her driving you mad!

Good luck!

CaptainSweatPants · 22/04/2013 19:49

well you'll only meet them if you drop off and maybe stay for coffee

Startail · 22/04/2013 19:58

Phone number, postcode and surname is my rule.
Sleepovers at friends who's parents you've never meet are inevitable at secondary school.

Living in a rural area most of the DDs secondary friends live miles away and I have no reason to have met them unless their parents trusted me to them sleep over here first.

I'm not mad on the situation, but your DD is NBU you have to trustee.

Startail · 22/04/2013 19:59

Trust her.

Original poster

Eowyn · 22/04/2013 20:21

Thanks for opinions, it's difficult going from a time when you know most of the friends & mums to never meeting them.
I think I will stick with her not staying over unless things change eg. I find out a lot more about what they intend doing / where they are etc.

Giving in just because she is nagging doesn't seem a good idea.

I would trust her if I knew she would be with sensible friends, but she has another friend who has had her watching things she shouldn't have, she won't say no to a stronger personality.

OP posts:

tinytalker · 22/04/2013 22:08

Its a very tricky one. I have 2 dd's 15 & 13 and have come up against this a few times. And I'm afraid I've said no each time. As you have said yourself you know nothing about this family. Do they have dangerous dogs? Are there older teenagers in the house? Are there lodgers? Are they allowed to watch 15/18 films? Do they drink/ smoke?
I just explained to my girls that I thought their new friends were lovely girls but that until I got to know their families better I would not let them sleepover, I explained that this was because I was concerned for their safety and not because I wanted to spoil their fun. My dd's have just accepted that this is my rule and don't argue. In fact once I've stood my ground I have found out that other mothers shared my viewpoint and in fact contrary to my dd's pleas NOT everyone was going! So I didn't feel like the only mean mum. Go with what you feel comfortable with otherwise you will regret it!

Startail · 22/04/2013 22:34

I suspect here a lot of people do allow sleepovers because of the distances between friends.

However, the places DD2 has been are not in town. I would question her. ery carefully before letting her stay in town as the park has a dreadful reputation for drinking and worse.

DD1 only ever wants to stay with the same two friends who she's known petty much all her life.

secretscwirrels · 23/04/2013 13:14

Like startail we have this often because all the kids live miles apart. Even so if I don't know the parents I will usually know someone who does, it's like that in the country .
At 13 I would say yes to an all night sleepover only if I knew there would be parents at home all the time and no alcohol. I have said no plenty of times to a party supervised by an older sibling. I have also humiliated DS by phoning a parent I did not know for a polite chat about the sleepover.

Greenkit · 23/04/2013 18:04

Rules in our house are -

if you want to sleep over I get the name and address of the place she is staying and the parents, I get to ring the parent and confirm its happening with their consent and if I dont know them, I at the very least get to meet them before hand.

Cue much 'aww but mum, everyine else is just going'. I stick to the rules!

Original poster

Eowyn · 24/04/2013 14:41

Thanks. Things have changed slightly in that she managed to get invited for tea with the party girl yesterday so I met her mum briefly, who seemed perfectly nice. I mentioned that dd might come for one of the days, not stay over, but now the timing has changed so it starts at 5, so it's not such an obvious compromise.
The mother will be there, tho the girls will be in a summer house in the garden, so exactly how supervised I don't know.

Dd is being more helpful around the house than she's ever been in her life, but still, her desperation is not a reason to concede. I just don't know if, having met the mum, I am still reasonable to say no. I am wavering uselessly, tho dd doesn't know that yet.

OP posts:

secretscwirrels · 24/04/2013 15:12

I think you want to say no but you realise there is no good reason to.
I always think it's a good idea to say I'll think about it when confronted with some new request, then I don't have to make a snap decision which I regret. They also know if they badger me I will stop thinking about it and say No.
Maybe sit her down and tell her you have thought it over and will let her go and let her know you trust her.

Original poster

Eowyn · 24/04/2013 15:25

You are right, I'd rather say no & have the whole thing go away, but suspect they will probably come to no harm....
& yes, for future reference I will remember not to commit myself... it's a bit of a learning process, this. I have a couple of weeks before it happens & will see if she can provide me with more definite info about it & tell her I'm considering it but am not to be hassled :)

OP posts:

seeker · 24/04/2013 15:29

Just wondering what you think will happen at night that won't happen during the day? If you'd let her go from 10 in the morning to 10 at night, why not 10 at night to 10 in the morning?

Original poster

Eowyn · 24/04/2013 15:32

Ok, a list of my paranoid ramblings: inappropriate films or online stuff, parties, drink, boys, or more likely too many sweets & too little sleep so I have a horrible moody dd for the next day....

OP posts:

badguider · 24/04/2013 15:33

Now you've met the mother, and have no concerns there, if you have a phone number for them overnight and you know where the house is (e.g. do the drop off yourself) then I think you should let her go. Does she have a mobile phone she can take?

What is most important IMO is that you know where she is and who she is with, you can contact her if you need to and she can contact you.

secretscwirrels · 24/04/2013 16:30

inappropriate films or online stuff, parties, drink, boys, or more likely too many sweets & too little sleep
There will definitely be too little sleep that is the nature of sleepovers (oxymoron). That's why these things are usually on Saturdays. Not sure 13 year olds OD on sweets but probably cola.
Boys, well at 13 much more harmless than at 15 or 16 and safety in numbers.
Inappropriate films, maybe. What's the worst that could happen? A group of 13 year old girls are most likely to watch a chic flick.
Online stuff do you seriously think they are going to look at porn sites together?
You have met the mother, pick up the phone and say " I hope you don't mind me asking but will there be boys / inappropriate films etc.
There will be lots more similar party /sleepover requests
Tell her your worries and ask her to tell you all about it afterwards, then don't judge and she will confide in you next time.

bigTillyMint · 24/04/2013 20:39

I would - I can vet all her friends via FB I also trust her as a good judge of character - all her friends that I have met are lovely.

The mum will be there, they are 13, not 5 FFS! They will get no sleep, eat loads of crap, watch inappropriate stuff and generally have a great time. She is growing up. Let her

BackforGood · 26/04/2013 23:22

I think the tricky bit for you is that you say she's easily led, and that she won't say no to a strong personality. Maybe that's what you should work on with her. "What would / could you do if....." scenarios, then maybe you might feel more comfortable giving her more independence.
It's a fact that once they are at secondary they will make friends with new people, and it's very likely you'll never meet their parents, or, if you meet them, won't get the chance to get to know them, and I think you are doing your dc a disservice if you only let them become friends with people who you have vetted the family. You need to give her the skills and confidence to recognise if she is uncomfortable with anything, and the ways she can deal with things if she does.

cory · 27/04/2013 09:40

Eowyn Wed 24-Apr-13 15:32:41
"Ok, a list of my paranoid ramblings: inappropriate films or online stuff, parties, drink, boys, or more likely too many sweets & too little sleep so I have a horrible moody dd for the next day"

Can't think of a single one of those things (apart from too little sleep) that couldn't equally well happen in the daytime. Anything unpleasant online is going to be there in the daytime too, alcohol does not lose its potency during the hours of daylight and, contrary to popular belief, daylight is sadly inadequate as a contraceptive.

As BackForGood says, the best idea is for you to work on her skills with what-would-you-do scenarios. Try to make the discussion pleasant and interesting rather than accusatory. Let her learn to see difficult situations as a test of her skills and initiative.

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