Too much too young

[Sales72]

My 14 yr old daughter has been 'going out' with her 14yr old boyfriend for just over a year. I have just discovered (by reading her text messages) that they have been having oral sex. If I confront her about it, she'll know I've looked at her phone and will never trust me again. Any ideas on how to slow it all down?

Poor you, I understand your dilemma.

This may be a bit simple of me, but when do they get the privacy to do this? Presumably not at school, so can you slow it down by tightening up on supervision out of school?

I have heard the Spanish have a good system. With primary age children they give them loads of freedom. But when they get older they are expected to do supervised activities such as sport, youth clubs etc, and don't do as much 'just hanging out' as British teens.

You will get loads of comments from people saying 'oh if they want to then they will find a way', but in my book that's no reason to facilitate it. Is she aware that some STDs can be transmitted this way?

Keep the lines of communication open. I also have a 14 year old daughter with a longstanding boyfriend and I have acknowledged that I know that there will be "things" that they're doing, but to be very careful and think thoroughly before any next steps. I've also grounded her well in the whole contraception stakes, plus no means no means no. I absolutely don't facilitate them being able to do anything as they're not allowed in her room in my house, but I cannot control away from the house, as much as I would dearly like to. She does insist that she does not want to have sex until she is old enough, and is aware that being in a good, committed relationship is what will give her the best experiences, WHEN she is mature enough to deal with it.

She had arranged to meet a friend (girl) in town. So we dropped her off and at the meeting point and told her to call when her friend arrived, which she did 10 mins later. Unfortunately it was all a set up and boyfriend met her instead and they went back to his place to meet his Dad. She did meet the Dad but spent most of the time in her botfriends bedroom. When boyfriend comes to our house we make them stay downstairs, but sadly not everyone has the same rules. She had previously mentioned that his Dad wanted to meet her and we had said it would be ok but we wanted to speak to him first (to get an idea of what rules he has about supervision etc). She accepted the punishment (grounded for the hols) for this and said we have to trust her again, which I know is true but she doesn't know I read the messages and now I know what really happened I'm worried about the speed at which the relationship is going.

Very true about the communication, and I know that if she found out about me reading her texts I would lose her trust and communication. She says she's not ready for a sexual relationship yet so I don't need to worry, but clearly that is not the case.

I always used information I had 'found out' to have a general discussion about the subject. Usually while doing something really mundane like getting tea.

Something along the lines of, I heard in the news/read an article that teenagers are having oral sex instead of actual sex because they dont want to get pregnant. What do you think? you can talk about STD's, safe sex etc.

I find it helps to be doing something rather than sitting face to face as that can be embaressing.

What side of 14 is she? If she's closer to 15 I'd say unfortunately its relatively normal but she won't necessarily DTD just because she's doing oral.
I think all you can do is make sure she's aware of contraceptives/pregnancy/STI etc

if they are doing that they are prob having sex, hate to say it but i would just sit her down and talk to her, do you pay for bill, i always told my two that while i was paying bill and they were under 16 i would check thier phone at ramdom times, teenage girls are under so much pressure to have sex/engage in sexual acts. what does it matter if she loses trust in you better that than a baby...