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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD assaulted, I'm not coping.

19 replies

CheeryCherry · 18/04/2013 11:04

Can't go into too much detail, police are involved and investigating, but she was assaulted - not sexually thank god- by some boys in the year above in the local woods where many of her friends hang out. It had started off as a bit of teasing, then turned nasty. Her friend found her in a state, crying, cowering, covered in unmentionable substances, her purse gone, bag tipped out. Friend rang me and I was there in a shot.
Police have been great, have found witnesses, are approaching the boys and we await the next step. School have been great too.
After many many tears, and relief as it could have been even worse, I just cannot get this all out if my head. I just keep replaying what happened to her, so sickened, not sleeping. She has gone back to school, she has support, is coping and telling me everything when she gets home - there has not been much to report so far. But how can I get a grip?
Sorry this was so long.

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HandMini · 18/04/2013 11:08

Cheery, I'm so so sorry, I can't imagine how horrible that must feel.

All I can think of is traditional coping mechanisms. Deep breaths, mentally "push away" disturbing thoughts and images, saying to yourself "I will not think about this now", keep busy.

But when you can, ie, when DD is asleep, you need to let go and grieve and be angry and cry or whatever you feel with DP or your mother or similar.

Wishing you and DD love.

almostanotherday · 18/04/2013 11:14

Your poor DD, I'm not really to sure what to say but here goes,

Well done to your DD for going back to school.

Well done to you for being there from picking her up to helping her through it now.

My guess is after being strong for her, the shock of what has happened has caught up with you and this is what you are going through now.

Did the police give you any helpline numbers you could call?

DorisShutt · 18/04/2013 11:16

You are in shock. It's your daughter. You feel like you couldn't protect her and you don't know what's ahead. It's a normal and understandable feeling.

You need a grip when she is about so she has someone to lean on; but you also need to get your head round it too.

Do you have a DP or a friend you can talk too?

SPsYoniTheOneAndOnly · 18/04/2013 11:18

You don't need to get a grip. When your DD is out of the house or asleep you need to do what you need to to deal with this, should be scream, cry, be angry etc

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened and I hope they get whats coming to them.

Were you not given a number to phone should you need help or advice on dealing with what has happened?

waltermittymissus · 18/04/2013 11:19

Oh god you're poor, poor dd.

I'm so sorry this has happened to her.

Just remember to let yourself feel what you're feeling. Go for a walk and have a cry, meet friends, talk about it.

I love this: "it's ok not to be ok."

Yes you have to be strong for your dd but you're allowed to be upset too.

Original poster

CheeryCherry · 18/04/2013 11:21

I'm coping really well when I'm with her, talking things through, she's been amazing, feels embarrassed, ashamed, and wants to move on. I think you're right, I must still be shocked, its been my worst parenting moment ever...here's hoping it is never worse. I just can't stop worrying about half term, summer hols, where she will want to be out and about, and I will want her glued to the house.

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Original poster

CheeryCherry · 18/04/2013 11:23

Do talk to DP obviously, but he is struggling too. I never knew I could feel so many emotions at once. Can't and won't talk to other family members, respecting her dignity, and don't want to worry them.

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almostanotherday · 18/04/2013 11:26

You need to trust in your DD and follow her lead for when she is ready to go out and about again.

The first few times she goes out arrange with her that she will just send you a quick text to let you know she's ok and then again later on to let you know she is ok.

waltermittymissus · 18/04/2013 11:26

Would you consider talking with a counsellor, cheery?

I can't even imagine all of the emotions that come with something like this! Maybe talking it through with a counsellor will help you deal with it and cope with any anxiety going forward?

We never imagine things like this could happen so close to home. Does she know the boys?

Original poster

CheeryCherry · 18/04/2013 11:26

I like that ....'its ok not to be ok'. I'm not used to feeling like this, hoping I can regain composure soon.

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Lucyellensmum95 · 18/04/2013 11:29

Oh you poor thing, you must be raging It is perfectly natural to feel this way, almost worse for you because you have to imagine and go on what she told you? I hope that the bastards that did this get proper punishment - how dare they. Has she had ongoing issues with this group before? Maybe you could arrange a meeting with the school to discuss ongoing support. Of course your DD will want to put it behind her which is easier if it was a one off but i think you need to find out if this is an ongoing bullying thing.

Your DD is lucky to have you - you actually sound like you are coping brilliantly, it is noly natural to be in a turmoil inside.

Original poster

CheeryCherry · 18/04/2013 11:51

Thankyou, I'm trying hard! We've spoken to school, head of year is brilliant, is catching her a couple of times a day to check her, has told her to pop to see him anytime. He emails us and keeps us informed. They are aware if which boys were involved but the police are dealing with it for now. The boys know the police were called. We're just scared of reprisals, but so far, so good. Don't think these boys have been in trouble before, so hoping they'll now be quaking.

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LoganMummy · 18/04/2013 11:56

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Something very similar happened to me when I was 13. Your daughter is coping much better than I did so please take comfort in that.

Perhaps you need to speak to Victim Support (or similar) but as its very early days what you are going through is perfectly normal.

My Mum was my rock when this happened and was so strong and it really helped so please keep doing what you are doing. But as said above when you are in your own time you need to let yourself think about it and cry/scream to get it all out.

Thinking of you.

HandMini · 18/04/2013 11:56

I can understand (from own experiences) your DD's feelings of being embarrassed / ashamed as the victim (terrible, but true). She should know that's a normal reaction...there's a good poster up in our local GP at the moment that says "there's no right way to feel after you've been attacked" and I thought that was helpful. If you (or your DD) feel unable to talk about what happened with your family / in person, i would encourage the use of anonymous outlets like the Samaritans. Still thinking of you both.

Original poster

CheeryCherry · 18/04/2013 12:00

Thank you all.

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DeafLeopard · 18/04/2013 19:53

Oh Cherry how awful, your poor DD.

No advice, just echoing what has been said about how fab you are being her rock now, and allowing yourself to do what you need to do when she is not around.

Much love to you all, I'm welling up at the thought of what your DD has been through and how I would feel if it were my child.

IsThatTrue · 18/04/2013 19:57

Remember you need someone to lean on too.

I'm so so sorry this happened to your dd.

BOF · 18/04/2013 20:09

You sound like a wonderful mum- just take care of yourself too, yeah?

Original poster

CheeryCherry · 19/04/2013 09:45

Thank you. I'm seeing a friend today, withering whether to say anything to her about it all. In one way I want to shout from the rooftops to warn all parents....but then I know DD wants too keep it minimal, and I totally understand. Just hate what they did to her, feel like 'how dare they', how could they. But I finally slept a bit last night, feel slightly more level today. Just dreading her going out and about again.

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