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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

19 year old son never in

20 replies

wood · 07/04/2013 08:16

please can anyone give me advise on my situation. my 19 year old son is never in and is always out with his girlfriend and mates. he works very part time and when he is not at work, he wakes up goes straight out and wont return home until midnight. when we do see him he doesnt want to talk to us saying we are all boring. i feel we are just keeping a roof over his head, otherwise he wants nothing to do with us.is this just a normal teenage phase. i would love to know if your sons have a relationship with you as parents and spend time together. thank you

OP posts:

CharlieMumma · 07/04/2013 08:17

Sounds pretty normal!

crypes · 07/04/2013 08:25

When I was 18 my mum and dad reported me missing to police as I went to work on a Monday and I never came home for a week and I forgot to ring them! I can't even remember what I was up to but within five years I was married with a baby and a mortgage. So I assume your ds is sowing his wild oats.

MrsPresley · 07/04/2013 08:32

He sounds just like my 19yo DS!

He's either sleeping/working/playing XBox games or out.

Sometimes I think the only way I know he's alive is the fact that the food still disappears and the washing basket fills up

Mind you, I wouldnt mind my DS coming home at midnight, at the weekend, I'm usually up by the time my DS comes in, usually around 7am or later

Honestly, your DS sounds totally normal

mrsjay · 07/04/2013 09:47

He sounds normal talk to him about it is he eating meals at home?
DD is either at college work or at her boyfriends I thought that was what most 19yr olds did , she does text if she isn't in for dinner but she can do what she likes she is almost 20, honestly it is fine

flow4 · 07/04/2013 10:21

This is normal wood, buuuut... Personally I don't feel it's ok for an older teen/legal adult to 'freeload' completely and not contribute in any way to the household and family he lives in. I have just (after a lot of argument negotiation) agreed with my own DS1 (18) that if he wants to continue to live here, he needs to cook a family meal once a week, help out with general housework and odd jobs, and clean up after himself. This is a family not a hotel, so even if the life he's living keeps him 'out of sync' with the rest of us, he needs to respect the people he's living with and make the effort occasionally. It took a year, but he does seem finally to have realised I'm not being unreasonable! :)

mrsjay · 07/04/2013 10:22

I agree with flow he can't treat your house like a hotel talk to him

Tortington · 07/04/2013 10:23

yes totally normal.

flossieraptor · 07/04/2013 17:51

Normal, but you can and should enforce the standards you require in your home. He is not doing anything to help or being part of the family. Not getting something for nothing is a life lesson.

I would leave him a lightly sardonic note on the fridge saying you would have liked to talk to him but he is never in, then put down your rules.

The above is assuming that he is not massively off the rails and you are need to keep an eye on him.

usualsuspect · 07/04/2013 17:53

Normal.

seeker · 07/04/2013 18:00

Do you cook or wash for him or sort his room out? If so, stop.

Do not put up with rudeness- it is not acceptable to say that you are boring.

Anybody living in the house has to be courteous and thoughtful and respectful of everyone else living there. But the being out all the time is normal.

mumeeee · 07/04/2013 22:36

Another one saying this is completly normal teenage behavior.

seeker · 08/04/2013 17:24

But the being rude isn't on. And neither is not contributing at all to the community he lives in

flossieraptor · 10/04/2013 09:05

Just because it is completely normal teenage behaviour does not mean it does not need dealing with. Are we just to roll our eyes? Young people gain their feeling of self-worth from achieving, not from just being allowed to do whatever they want.

seeker · 10/04/2013 09:14

Absolutely flossie!

I don't understand why people put up with crap behaviour from people who share a house with them -whoever they are.

mrsjay · 10/04/2013 09:24

what flossie said coming in and out and doing their own thing is normal young adult behavipur, being rude and disrespectful is not,

flossieraptor · 10/04/2013 12:17

Coming in and out, doing their own thing. So what is that? Taking what they need from the home and giving nothing back. It's passive rudeness. He is nearly an adult but he won't take the step into adulthood if he is just allowed to treat life like a sweet shop.

HermioneHatesHoovering · 10/04/2013 21:49

Is he paying board? If not, why not? He is an adult, if he is not studying he should be paying for all his costs. Time to bring him into the real world, if you have not already done so.

DontSHOUTTTTTT · 10/04/2013 22:42

I hope he is paying and doing chores. What do you do for him?

He sounds selfish and rude.

Does he have siblings.

Do you do anything together? Will he come out with you if you go out to the pub, to eat or to the cinema

My DS's 18 and 20 do spend time with us. We eat out together once a week to eat which helps us keep in touch with one another. I also play sport with them and play on the computer with them. I don't spend hours with them though. My eldest is much nicer now that he is in his 2nd year at Uni. When he comes home for holidays he is much more appreciative of 'home' and family.

mrsjay · 11/04/2013 10:11

I didn't mean that flossie i meant going to work college friends out to the pub being a 19 year old is norma,l being rude and disrespectful isn't maybe it was my lack of punctuation or page breaks that made it look like I quoted you saying something you didn't but did you mean to sound so rude

flossieraptor · 11/04/2013 20:11

MrsJay, I didn't think you were quoting me. I was continuing the discussion about teenagers being absent from family life, and whether they should curtail their social life a bit to contribute.

I'm a genuinely rather confused why you think my post was rude .

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