Worried about my niece

[damppatchnot]

My father died last month and the day after i got a phone call from A&E telling me thet my niece had been brought in drunk by her boyfriend

I phoned my sister ( she suffers from fibromyalgia and goes to bed at 8) and we went to hospital.

My niece was v upset and said she drank to try and forget everything as her heart
was hurting. My sister is divorced and her husband rarely sees the girls so they were v close to grandad

We didn't know she had a boyfriend but I was worried as my niece is always sleeping out at friends

My sister arranged for the school counsellor to see her but last week she came home with love bites all over her neck

My sister treats my niece like a friend and allows her to wear make up and dye her hair

She went mad about the love bits and said she looked like a slut but told me today that all girls are like that and she's taking her to docs to go on pill

She's 13 years old

I'm so worried about her growing up but my sister said (and it is) her business but know if dad was here he would go mad

Bump

I think a positive step you could take would be to make time to spend with your niece, if she'd like to, doing things that she enjoys - just nice, simple time together. Time when she can act her age a bit more. Regardless of what else is going on offering her your time and love can only be a good thing.

I don't think I'd agree with the way your sister is parenting either, but you're on shaky ground trying to get involved there - I'd avoid confrontation with your sister and focus on supporting your niece. It sounds like she might be experiencing a lot more anger / upset / grief than a young girl can cope with alone.

The makeup and hair dye is not the issue. My dd does both.

The drinking and early sexualisation is.

Both are utterly illegal for her at 13. It it sounds like your dsis isn't taking it too seriously.

I think rootypig is offering the only route for you but please, don't sweat the small stuff with her at this point. Try to reinforce the positive and suggest drinking/ love bites are not a great idea but don't go on about makeup, it won't help.

And good luck, you sound a lovely aunt. DH and I are only children, wish our DDs had one half as concerned as you.

Have you read 'Raising Girls'? So much seems relevant

Thanks so much

I try and spend time with her

She wants to live with me but my sister won't let her

My other niece stays here Friday to Sunday too as she plays with my dd

Love them both so much

You sound like a wonderful aunt.

Have been thinking about it and re the sexualisation, I think if you already have a good relationship with her a gentle conversation about safe sex (and waiting til she's ready, but I'm not sure how realistic this is tbh) and the dangers of drugs wouldn't be misplaced.

How is she doing at school? Can they offer support?

I worry about my nieces too, my sister has 4 children and they all seem to have grown up way too fast. All are teetering on the brink of teenage years and I am so concerned.

I hope the strength of your relationship allows you to broach the more difficult subjects.

how can your sister possibly think it is appropriate for her daughter to be getting drunk (let alone life-threateningly so) and having sex at 13?

she's not coping as a parent. Not her fault, but help needed. and fast.

this is not 'growing up fast'. This is out of control.