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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Son had unprotected sex, what to do?

31 replies

Joan733 · 02/04/2013 14:32

Hi all,

My 14 year old son has been seeing his girlfriend (15) for 4 months now. He has been spending an increasing amount of time at her house both during the day and in the evenings. He doesn't tell me much about what they get up to, but I figured that they may have had sex at some point.

Anyway, he hadn't told me anything, but the other night he was texting his girlfriend frantically while we were sat next to each other watching TV (I couldn't quite make out what he was saying from where I was sat). I figured that something might be going on and when he went to the toilet I checked his messages and they had been basically talking about the possibility of her being pregnant.

I was totally shocked by this, since I didn't even realise that they had had sex let alone unprotected. I haven't mentioned a word of this to my son or anyone else because I was so surprised and needed some time to figure out what to do. My son lives the majority of the time at my ex's place and we only see each other occasionally.

What can I do? I want to approach the subject with my son to tell him about the risks of doing what he is doing but I also don't want to break the trust that I have with him. How involved should I get with these matters to do with his relationship with his girlfriend, or should I just keep out of it? Should I stop them seeing each other? I am so worried as I don't want him to become another statistic in the list of new teenage dad's.

Thanks,

OP posts:

specialsubject · 02/04/2013 14:48

it is not unreasonable to assume that they aren't making polite conversation.

rather than 'I saw your texts' how about checking tactfully that he knows the facts of life, that withdrawal doesn't work, that he doesn't believe any of the myths that go round, how to get and use condoms etc.

age of consent probably a waste of time...

Mother2many · 02/04/2013 14:51

Casually talk to him about sex...remind him that you hope he will come to you, if he ever has any questions, and you will not judge him. That you love him unconditionally....open the door...before it's too late...if it's not already.

olivertheoctopus · 02/04/2013 15:05

I wouldn't tell him you've read his texts. In fact you might have to be careful what you say in case he smells a rat. If its already too late and they have dtd unprotected then hopefully this panic will make them more sensible. You could attempt a general chat about all things girlfriend related and safe sex etc if you've not done it before or perhaps make casual enquiry with your ex about whether he's had A Chat with DS about this stuff? I wouldn't tell ex what you've seen in the texts either. Not sure that's much help?

Potterer · 02/04/2013 16:26

Could you mention that at his age there was a (fictitious) girl in your school who became pregnant and use that as a conversation opener?

That is how I would do it, I would say something along the lines of how tall he is getting or something about his birthday and that you can't believe he is almost 15 etc then mention fictitious girl from your school days and that you hope is he more sensible when it comes to sex in the future.

That decisions he makes today may have consequences that may last years.

BruthasTortoise · 02/04/2013 16:45

I think all the advice you've been given so far is good but I also think you have to speak to your ex as well. If you DS lives with him most of the time then he needs to know what is going on so he can monitor what your DS is doing when he is with him.

SanctiMOMious · 02/04/2013 16:50

Would your x use the information against you? "your mum read your texts! I'm the one you can trust!" I'd say to his father that he's spending a lot of time at a girls house and remind him to talk to your son about contraception, unless you'd rather you did it? then, if your x says eh, no you can do it, you can say to your son 'well, your father and i were chatting and..........' and that way it doesn't look like it's come out of reading his texts.

Original poster

Joan733 · 02/04/2013 17:47

Many thanks for your replies so far.

Is it OK for a 14 year old to go over to his girlfriend's place regularly and have sex with her? Part of me is thinking no, he should be concentrating on his school work and other activities. All of this girlfriend sort of stuff should come in a few years time. Am I being old fashioned?

I don't think my x would use the information against me. I also don't think a sit down talk about the facts of life and contraceptives is going to be particularly effective. Kids these days know they should be using condoms, but at times aren't.

My son isn't particularly responsible. Sometimes he acts more like a 10 year old than a 14 year old. All this added responsibility seems to me like its too much for him right now. My initial thoughts were to use the 'tough love' approach and to get him to admit to me what has been going on, and then take it from there.

Thanks,

OP posts:

QuanticoVirginia · 02/04/2013 18:16

Is it OK for a 14 year old to go over to his girlfriend's place regularly and have sex with her?

No it's not. It's actually illegal and her parents would face questions if it became apparent they were aware of what was going on and were allowing it to happen.

MuchBrighterNow · 02/04/2013 18:38

I explained to my Ds about the importance of contraception and the morning after pill and how if he ever did happen to have an "accident" that he should come and talk to me and I would sort it out without judgement.
I'm glad I had that conversation because only last week he came and asked me if I could buy one for his girlfriend

TheNebulousBoojum · 02/04/2013 18:43

Only one thing I'd like to add for everyone saying 'use contraception' Make sure that you have an easily accessible store of contraceptives for your child to use. Don't rely on them buying them or going to the FPC.
Underage sex is illegal, and most under 16s aren't able to cope with the consequences, so it's not OK. But given the fact it's happened, you need to have a conversation about sex and the responsibilities involved.

SoupDragon · 02/04/2013 18:43

Is it OK for a 14 year old to go over to his girlfriend's place regularly and have sex with her?

No, it isn't. However, that particular horse has bolted and there's not a lot you can do bar ensuring he isn't having unprotected sex. Can you leave some condoms in his room?

Sheila · 02/04/2013 18:51

This is a really big deal - they are both underage so technically he has committed a crime. If she is pregnant they are both facing a whole lot of trouble.

I'd come clean about reading his texts and talk to him about it. He'll probably be really relieved.

On the broader issue, I think 14 is way too young to be having sex. On the positive side, at least he is in a relationship and being supportive of his girlfriend.

TheNebulousBoojum · 02/04/2013 19:00

Has she not committed a crime too? He's younger than her.

AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 20:42

There is no crime committed here as they are both underage

However, OP, I think you should tackle this head-on

These teenagers are crying out for some guidance

Chrissybaby · 02/04/2013 22:19

If hes anything like my ds hes very keen on keeping his money safe Try the someone at works son is paying out child support for a baby and will be for the next 18 years or so.If only he had used a condom just think imagine paying for a child until youre 31

QuanticoVirginia · 02/04/2013 22:41

Yes both do commit criminal offences however as they are both underage they would not be prosecuted as it`s not in the public interest to do so.

However where it becomes murky is when they fall out and claim the sexual activity was not consensual or there was some coersion involved.

syl1985 · 03/04/2013 02:11

I think you're a bit to late with talking about safe sex.

First of all don't worry about him becoming a teenage father. It's not so bad.
I'd worry about the illnesses he could get.

These days a child won't easily become your end, but STI's sure can make life a lot shorter then you'd like to.

Then second:
For as long as mankind exists we've been having kids around our 15 - 20s.
Since about 60 years ago that all changed.

Our grandparents might still remember the time that when they were 12 they had to work. They were young adults and not like we view them today as children.

We do become older, but we don't stay young any longer then we did.

It's harder to be a teenage parent. It sure is!!!
But not just because of being a teenager, it's the people around you that are going to stare at you.
Think that you can't rise a child, because of your age.
But that's the problem of these people. Try to teach them to look the other way.

Age or money doesn't make anyone a good or a bad parent. If it did then can you explain to me please why I also read in the papers about 40+ parents that neglect their kids? Or children of rich parents who are on drugs?

Maybe try to talk with him about safe sex.
Talk about the STI's.
Tell him also that condoms don't protect against all STI's. For example genital warts and herpes.
Herpes is annoying, but harmless.

Warts can cause in time by a man cancer in and around the penis. For a woman they can cause cervical cancer.

Around 900 woman die every year in the uk of cervical cancer. In 70% of these cases the cancer was caused by a wart virus. That they lady caught during sex. Protected/unprotected.

But how to talk with a teenager about that.. ppfff hard, very hard.
It's not really a child anymore with who you can chat about it in a kids way so they know about it when they grow older.

I can understand he'd not like that kind of chat with you.

Maybe be honest with him. Not about you checking his phone. But that you should have had this kind of chat before.
Give him leaflets about STI's. I think you can get them from your GP or else from a sexual health clique.

Also let him know that you could get free condoms by these clique's and I think also on some other places. They also check you for free on STI's and that you don't need to know anything about it if he doesn't want to.

But if there's anything wrong that he's always welcome to come and have a chat with you.

When he comes and tells you that his girl is pregnant. My advice is to react happy about it. You might be shocked, but just react happy.

They're going to encounter a lot of negativity in these coming months and years. From painful comments to fingers being pointed at them.

They don't need any more negativity from close family. Just be that pillar they can always lean upon no matter what.
Another plus side to that is if you're going to get a grandchild. That because of your positive support you'll also get close to the little one as a grandmother.

That'll be nice, won't it?
A beautiful grand daughter or son.

Think about the lovely trips to the park, Christmas and all the fun moments you'll have with this beautiful little miracle and his/her parents.
(Your son and daughter in law)

Relax, don't make life harder then it already is.

Sylvia

ihearsounds · 03/04/2013 02:46

Have a general chat with him. Ask him how things are going with his gf. Remind him that she is always welcome to come over for dinner. Once you have him chatting about her, then broach the subject of safe sex. Depending on the relationship he has with you, he might feel awkward about chatting to you, so you also need to give dad the heads up as well.

sashh · 03/04/2013 06:29

"hey you and X seem to be quite serious, do I need to start buying condoms?'

Also make sure he actually knows the mechanics of how a girl gets pregnant. When my brother was in VI form a friend of his thought he'd got a girl pregnant, he chose to confide in my mum (no idea why because she can't keep a secret) but he hadn't actually been doing anything that could get someone pregnant.

SoupDragon · 03/04/2013 07:33

First of all don't worry about him becoming a teenage father. It's not so bad

Not nearly so bad as becoming a teenage mother, no.

dizzyhoneybee · 03/04/2013 07:39

Sorry to post on your thread OP but this has prompted a question...do you (the generic you, not you personally) have contraceptives available for teenage DDs and DSs?

Just curious, it's not occurred to me before. AFAIK my DC is not interested in the other sex just yet but I could be burying my head in the sand!

cupcake78 · 03/04/2013 07:56

He is having sex so its to late to tell him not to.

Don't go jumping in puddles without wearing Wellies!

Is buy him some condoms! Give them to him and have the chat. Don't let on that you've read his texts just let him know that you don't live in the dark ages either. I wouldn't be too hard on him because you want him to come to you if he needs to. Tell him the facts, give him the condoms and always leave the door open for him.

As to whether you tell his dad that's your call.

Crocodilio · 03/04/2013 08:10

Is it too late for the morning after pill? Could you tell when the sex hapened from his texts?

MuchBrighterNow · 05/04/2013 06:42

Yes Dizzy Big box in the bathroom, enough so it's not going to be embarrassingly noticeable for them if they diminish in number...

It's good for them to have a chance to practise how to put them on. It also brings contraception into their everyday reality and hopefully will make them take care of themselves when they become sexually active.

dizzyhoneybee · 05/04/2013 14:14

@ Muchbrighternow

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