Son had unprotected sex, what to do?

[Joan733]

Hi all,

My 14 year old son has been seeing his girlfriend (15) for 4 months now. He has been spending an increasing amount of time at her house both during the day and in the evenings. He doesn't tell me much about what they get up to, but I figured that they may have had sex at some point.

Anyway, he hadn't told me anything, but the other night he was texting his girlfriend frantically while we were sat next to each other watching TV (I couldn't quite make out what he was saying from where I was sat). I figured that something might be going on and when he went to the toilet I checked his messages and they had been basically talking about the possibility of her being pregnant.

I was totally shocked by this, since I didn't even realise that they had had sex let alone unprotected. I haven't mentioned a word of this to my son or anyone else because I was so surprised and needed some time to figure out what to do. My son lives the majority of the time at my ex's place and we only see each other occasionally.

What can I do? I want to approach the subject with my son to tell him about the risks of doing what he is doing but I also don't want to break the trust that I have with him. How involved should I get with these matters to do with his relationship with his girlfriend, or should I just keep out of it? Should I stop them seeing each other? I am so worried as I don't want him to become another statistic in the list of new teenage dad's.

Thanks,

J

[Jenny70]

I would talk to him, say that you've suspected he is sexually active and is he protecting himself.... say that condoms are the best to protect not only against pregnancy, but STD's.

If he admits to unprotected sex, I would make him a family planning appointment to get checked out, even if they have been exclusive, having a STD test might scare him enough to think more closely about protection.

You are his mother, not some random, so you need to speak to him as soon as possible.

[lmgeorge92]

Hi
First of all, I'd say checking his texts was not the best way to go about it. It might have been better in the first instance to say "is everything ok? you're texting rather franticly" I don't know your relationship with your son, and whether this would have achieve something but it just might have been a better way.
Water under the bridge now though: 14 is realllyyyy young to be sexually active. I was fooling around with guys at that age (though i didn't DTD until just before 16) and I realise now I was soo young. Especially, as this is a circumstance. You said your son acts like a 10 YO sometimes, that worries me more and suggests he's not ready for a child! I'm not old fashioned enough to say that if he's not prepared to take responsibility he shouldn't be having sex- but certainly, I think it's a danger allowing him to spend a lot of time,alone at here house.. the inevitable has happened.
Again, water under the bridge?
Now, talk to him up front. Ask him how stuff is going with X, if everything's ok? and actually ask him if he's having sex and if so, are they being safe you don't need to tell him you already know the answers but it's an opener for him.
When i had a pregnancy scare at 16 it was an excruciating conversation with my mum, but it meant I had someone to support me, she didn't get angry or upset she just said "ok, what ever happens we'll deal with this" try and be like that, if he's being brave enough to speak up.
I really hope, this is just a scare, all babies are gifts but it sounds like your son and his girlfriend are not at all ready- I know people have mentioned STIs on here as well, so it might be an idea to suggest a check?

[AllyEttie]

Slyvia - are you feeling alright? You seem to be painting teenage parenthood as a JojoMamanBebe catalogue. I've seen it amongst my friends, many of them who wanted to be teenage parents- and it bloody isn't. Your childhood is completely and utterly ripped away from you, and you should be at university, travelling the world, making friends and falling in love- not enjoying your miracle bubba down the park.

This is why you need to speak to him now OP, the fictionalised ice breakers may have worked if you thought they were shagging- but if the girlfriend is pregnant, too late. And it'll be completely out of yours, and your son's hands on what she chooses to do.

[AllyEttie]

Absolutely stuff this nonsense of 'I knew a girl at school...' and 'when I was your age...'

Your child is going around another child's house to have sex, and could have quite possibly knocked her up.

I'd face this problem head on and state that you've seen his texts, and ask him what's going on.

I have to say though, most girls I know who definitely didn't want to get pregnant did not have unprotected sex

[NippyDrips]

My brother lived with me during his teen years. He and his girlfriend had been together awhile so I just started buying condoms an putting them under his pillow. I never asked if they were running out, I just periodically put some there.

However I think you need to speak to him about the possible pregnancy. They will be terrified.

[dizzyhoneybee]

@ Muchbrighternow

[MuchBrighterNow]

Yes Dizzy Big box in the bathroom, enough so it's not going to be embarrassingly noticeable for them if they diminish in number...

It's good for them to have a chance to practise how to put them on. It also brings contraception into their everyday reality and hopefully will make them take care of themselves when they become sexually active.

[Crocodilio]

Is it too late for the morning after pill? Could you tell when the sex hapened from his texts?

[cupcake78]

He is having sex so its to late to tell him not to.

Don't go jumping in puddles without wearing Wellies!

Is buy him some condoms! Give them to him and have the chat. Don't let on that you've read his texts just let him know that you don't live in the dark ages either. I wouldn't be too hard on him because you want him to come to you if he needs to. Tell him the facts, give him the condoms and always leave the door open for him.

As to whether you tell his dad that's your call.

[dizzyhoneybee]

Sorry to post on your thread OP but this has prompted a question...do you (the generic you, not you personally) have contraceptives available for teenage DDs and DSs?

Just curious, it's not occurred to me before. AFAIK my DC is not interested in the other sex just yet but I could be burying my head in the sand!

[SoupDragon]

First of all don't worry about him becoming a teenage father. It's not so bad

Not nearly so bad as becoming a teenage mother, no.

[sashh]

"hey you and X seem to be quite serious, do I need to start buying condoms?'

Also make sure he actually knows the mechanics of how a girl gets pregnant. When my brother was in VI form a friend of his thought he'd got a girl pregnant, he chose to confide in my mum (no idea why because she can't keep a secret) but he hadn't actually been doing anything that could get someone pregnant.

[ihearsounds]

Have a general chat with him. Ask him how things are going with his gf. Remind him that she is always welcome to come over for dinner. Once you have him chatting about her, then broach the subject of safe sex. Depending on the relationship he has with you, he might feel awkward about chatting to you, so you also need to give dad the heads up as well.

[syl1985]

I think you're a bit to late with talking about safe sex.

First of all don't worry about him becoming a teenage father. It's not so bad.
I'd worry about the illnesses he could get.

These days a child won't easily become your end, but STI's sure can make life a lot shorter then you'd like to.

Then second:
For as long as mankind exists we've been having kids around our 15 - 20s.
Since about 60 years ago that all changed.

Our grandparents might still remember the time that when they were 12 they had to work. They were young adults and not like we view them today as children.

We do become older, but we don't stay young any longer then we did.

It's harder to be a teenage parent. It sure is!!!
But not just because of being a teenager, it's the people around you that are going to stare at you.
Think that you can't rise a child, because of your age.
But that's the problem of these people. Try to teach them to look the other way.

Age or money doesn't make anyone a good or a bad parent. If it did then can you explain to me please why I also read in the papers about 40+ parents that neglect their kids? Or children of rich parents who are on drugs?

Maybe try to talk with him about safe sex.
Talk about the STI's.
Tell him also that condoms don't protect against all STI's. For example genital warts and herpes.
Herpes is annoying, but harmless.

Warts can cause in time by a man cancer in and around the penis. For a woman they can cause cervical cancer.

Around 900 woman die every year in the uk of cervical cancer. In 70% of these cases the cancer was caused by a wart virus. That they lady caught during sex. Protected/unprotected.

But how to talk with a teenager about that.. ppfff hard, very hard.
It's not really a child anymore with who you can chat about it in a kids way so they know about it when they grow older.

I can understand he'd not like that kind of chat with you.

Maybe be honest with him. Not about you checking his phone. But that you should have had this kind of chat before.
Give him leaflets about STI's. I think you can get them from your GP or else from a sexual health clique.

Also let him know that you could get free condoms by these clique's and I think also on some other places. They also check you for free on STI's and that you don't need to know anything about it if he doesn't want to.

But if there's anything wrong that he's always welcome to come and have a chat with you.

When he comes and tells you that his girl is pregnant. My advice is to react happy about it. You might be shocked, but just react happy.

They're going to encounter a lot of negativity in these coming months and years. From painful comments to fingers being pointed at them.

They don't need any more negativity from close family. Just be that pillar they can always lean upon no matter what.
Another plus side to that is if you're going to get a grandchild. That because of your positive support you'll also get close to the little one as a grandmother.

That'll be nice, won't it?
A beautiful grand daughter or son.

Think about the lovely trips to the park, Christmas and all the fun moments you'll have with this beautiful little miracle and his/her parents.
(Your son and daughter in law)


Relax, don't make life harder then it already is.

Sylvia

[QuanticoVirginia]

Yes both do commit criminal offences however as they are both underage they would not be prosecuted as it`s not in the public interest to do so.

However where it becomes murky is when they fall out and claim the sexual activity was not consensual or there was some coersion involved.

[Chrissybaby]

If hes anything like my ds hes very keen on keeping his money safe Try the someone at works son is paying out child support for a baby and will be for the next 18 years or so.If only he had used a condom just think imagine paying for a child until youre 31

[AnyFucker]

There is no crime committed here as they are both underage

However, OP, I think you should tackle this head-on

These teenagers are crying out for some guidance

[TheNebulousBoojum]

Has she not committed a crime too? He's younger than her.

[Sheila]

This is a really big deal - they are both underage so technically he has committed a crime. If she is pregnant they are both facing a whole lot of trouble.

I'd come clean about reading his texts and talk to him about it. He'll probably be really relieved.

On the broader issue, I think 14 is way too young to be having sex. On the positive side, at least he is in a relationship and being supportive of his girlfriend.

[SoupDragon]

Is it OK for a 14 year old to go over to his girlfriend's place regularly and have sex with her?

No, it isn't. However, that particular horse has bolted and there's not a lot you can do bar ensuring he isn't having unprotected sex. Can you leave some condoms in his room?

[TheNebulousBoojum]

Only one thing I'd like to add for everyone saying 'use contraception' Make sure that you have an easily accessible store of contraceptives for your child to use. Don't rely on them buying them or going to the FPC.
Underage sex is illegal, and most under 16s aren't able to cope with the consequences, so it's not OK. But given the fact it's happened, you need to have a conversation about sex and the responsibilities involved.

[MuchBrighterNow]

I explained to my Ds about the importance of contraception and the morning after pill and how if he ever did happen to have an "accident" that he should come and talk to me and I would sort it out without judgement.
I'm glad I had that conversation because only last week he came and asked me if I could buy one for his girlfriend

[QuanticoVirginia]

Is it OK for a 14 year old to go over to his girlfriend's place regularly and have sex with her?

No it's not. It's actually illegal and her parents would face questions if it became apparent they were aware of what was going on and were allowing it to happen.

[Joan733]

Many thanks for your replies so far.

Is it OK for a 14 year old to go over to his girlfriend's place regularly and have sex with her? Part of me is thinking no, he should be concentrating on his school work and other activities. All of this girlfriend sort of stuff should come in a few years time. Am I being old fashioned?

I don't think my x would use the information against me. I also don't think a sit down talk about the facts of life and contraceptives is going to be particularly effective. Kids these days know they should be using condoms, but at times aren't.

My son isn't particularly responsible. Sometimes he acts more like a 10 year old than a 14 year old. All this added responsibility seems to me like its too much for him right now. My initial thoughts were to use the 'tough love' approach and to get him to admit to me what has been going on, and then take it from there.

Thanks,

J