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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

think I have just over reacted

36 replies

dontwanttobefatandforty · 03/03/2013 19:48

and dont know how to turn it around or even if I should.

Have discovered tonight DD 15 has had a friend this weekend pierce her ear when we told her no. We have been slowly coming round to allowing her to do these things, we let her have her belly button done a few weeks ago as this can be hidden but said no to visible ones just yet.

I have discovered she has been drinking to excess and smoking while drinking! (she saw my aunt die of lung cancer!)

I have insisted she take the piercing out, have grounded her, taken her monthly money off her and said I will put money direct onto card for school lunches now, said she cant go Wakestock with her friends in the summer (music festival) we were considering it.

I have told her its more the lying and deceit, I feel completely disrespected by her. But now Im wondering if I have overloaded the punishments or am I being too soft?

OP posts:

CatelynStark · 03/03/2013 19:54

I think that the punishments are overkill, tbh. She's 15 and experimenting. You need to find a compromise and talk to her about why you are worried re the drinking and smoking.

The piercing wouldn't bother me - I would have taken her to get it done by a professional though.

BettySuarez · 03/03/2013 19:57

I think it was a little over the top but I do sympathise.

The danger is that you now have no other 'sanctions' that can be levied and also the fact that she may close down all lines of communication.

She is 15 - 3 years away from being an adult. Are you being too strict?

All of the things that you have described are examples of pretty normal teen behaviour which the majority of us have done ourselves.

I think the important thing is that she is safe, that she understands and can deal with the potential consequences of her actions but most importantly of all, that you keep the lines of communication open.

Original poster

dontwanttobefatandforty · 03/03/2013 19:58

I know now I have sat back I realise I have punished too much, the money is to stop the alcohol drinking, grounded so non of the above can happen, wakestock because I said I didnt know if I could trust her now. At the time they all seemed feesable but now....

I have told her its the trust issue and she should never ever lie or deceive me.

OP posts:

Original poster

dontwanttobefatandforty · 03/03/2013 19:59

is there a way this can be turned around do you think?

OP posts:

BOF · 03/03/2013 19:59

You've gone nuclear over fairly normal rebelliousness. I'd try to backtrack if I were you, and cover it with "I think I may have over-reacted, but I just felt so disappointed. Can you see why it makes it hard to trust somebody if they lie?" and then try to listen to her.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 03/03/2013 19:59

Well, it seems rather odd to allow belly button piercing but not ear piercing imho.

You are right that you've gone over the top. I think perhaps taking her allowance off her for a few weeks is understandable, but not all the other stuff.

BettySuarez · 03/03/2013 20:00

But if you impose boundaries that are too strict or controlling then you give her no other alternative but to lie or deceive you.

She is growing up, you have to grow with her

Original poster

dontwanttobefatandforty · 03/03/2013 20:00

what do you feel is a reasonable punishment? Do I allow the piercing or let it close now?

OP posts:

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 03/03/2013 20:01

Yes to sitting down and saying that you may have over-reacted through disappointment. Pinpoint what you're most disappointed with and then discuss which of the punishments you will follow through with and why and which you are prepared to allow to drop if you see x, y or z in her behaviour over the next few days to allow her to prove she's sorry.

BOF · 03/03/2013 20:02

I have to say too that I think it's unreasonable to expect teenagers to never lie or conceal things from you. It's one of the few ways they have available to themselves to carve out a bit of space and privacy for themselves to grow and try to find themselves and their own values a bit. I honestly think it's a normal part of growing up.

Original poster

dontwanttobefatandforty · 03/03/2013 20:02

I allowed the belly button as that can be covered up, her ear is half way up her ear and could never be covered.

I am actually quite relaxed with her, but tonight I just felt so let down by her

OP posts:

BOF · 03/03/2013 20:04

That post was brought to you today by the word 'themselves'. I'm sorry, I'm so tired

BettySuarez · 03/03/2013 20:04

The piercing is done now, I would let it stand but tell her next time she needs to get it done professionally.

Then dab it with TCP until it starts to sting

slambang · 03/03/2013 20:10

Agree you were a bit OTT but easily done! I agree with BOF, you admit that you went too far. Then give her the chance to earn back some of her privileges with good behaviour.

E.g. she can still go to the festival if no repeats of the excess drinking.
The grounding/ allowance etc can be reviewed after e.g. 1 week, 2 weeks (whatever you think fit) and is dependent on X,Y or Z (telling you where she's going, sticking to curfew or whatever you agree).

The more you show you can admit your mistakes and have a reasonable discussion/ negotiation - the more she's likely to admit her msitakes and discuss boiundaries instead of rebel against them.

ThePavlovianCat · 03/03/2013 20:10

Can you set her ways of showing she's taken on board what you have said and improved her behaviour and earn back some of these things?

MooMooSkit · 03/03/2013 20:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

akaemmafrost · 03/03/2013 20:11

She's 15, it's her ear. That's not a punishable thing imo.

Drinking etc, yes I would be very concerned about that.

Do think you've punished too much though, btw I am not judging you I often do it and really have to rein myself in. I often repeat "one episode of bad behaviour - one sanction" to myself. it's very easy to throw everything into the punishment pot in the heat of the moment though.

I'd say nothing more about the ear tbh at that age I think it really is their business, it's the right of the teenager to look a total state if they wish.

Catmint · 03/03/2013 20:16

I don't think you have over reacted, the sanctions which are over longer term can be reviewed as she builds up your trust again. Really hope she responds well, op.

BettySuarez · 03/03/2013 20:16

I honestly think that we should approach the teen years with our DC's as a journey to be undertaken together.

Explain to your daughter that this is as new to you as it is to her and that you will sometimes be a little out of your comfort zone.

It might help if she can see it from your POV but she also needs to understand that you are trying to see it from hers.

mumeeee · 05/03/2013 23:16

I think you have over reacted especially as you have let her have a belly button piecing. I'm a coward and don't like piecings myself but we said our DDs could have thier ears pieced at the age from the age of 12 if they wanted to. In fact none of them chose to do it until they were about 14. I actually wouldn't allow nelly piecing undre the age of 18 but as none of the DDs ever wanted that done it wasn't an issue

flow4 · 06/03/2013 00:36

I think you've over-reacted too. There is an easy way out, which is simply to say "I have been thinking and I reckon I over-reacted. So I'm lifting X and Y sanctions, tho Z still stands".

IME it's really useful and positive to re-think and have a complete change of mind with DCs occasionally, because it shows them how to reflect on their actions and change their minds too - which is something they're not generally very good at doing.

MrsMushroom · 06/03/2013 00:42

I cant believe you let her get her body pierced but not her ears!

Startail · 06/03/2013 00:46

I'd be cross about anything other than a standard ear piercing (strictly against school rules) and go ape if I caught either of my DDs smoking.

My DDad chain smoked and they know he has heart trouble as a result.

I'd be totally hypocritical to get very cross about drinking, unless they were getting drunk and putting themselves in danger.

I think you will have to back track on the festival as a punishment lasting, in effect until the summer, is not going to make for good relationships.

Anything other than sending her to her room leads to my 12y being impossible.

I haven't yet had to have a grade A go at my 15y, she isn't one for boundary pushing.

Monty27 · 06/03/2013 00:48

Agree with Mushroom

Her naval is ok but not her ear?

I know you're saying it's because the naval can be covered up but don't you think she probably shows it off at every opportunity?

nickstmoritz · 06/03/2013 11:18

Sympathies. I have 2 teenage dds. I agree with a bit of back tracking and in a quiet unstressed moment have a heart to heart. Apologise for freaking out with her but explain that you were shocked and felt disappointed. Talk to her about the things you are worried about and why. For me it would be not having any more unhygienic piercings and that she MUST be careful that she does not get into vulnerable situations when experimenting with alcohol. You would prefer her not to drink but if she does then be careful where and who with and how much. Hopefully your DD will not get into smoking but just wanted to try it. Expensive, smelly, addictive, you know the spiel.

I would suggest that she can go to the festival if she can build up your trust and be a bit more honest with you and make it clear that you really do not want her drinking alcohol yet. I would take her to get her ears pierced safely and choose some nice earrings together. You have then showed her you can compromise but do feel strongly about her safety and well being. If she is in GCSE year say that if she can put her head down and work hard for the next couple of terms you can agree a reward...you pay for festival/a gig/some spending money etc

ps don't feel too hard on yourself. I have filled up the punishment pot myself before with various groundings, removal of devices, no computer time etc When you feel really annoyed it is hard to be rational about it.

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