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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Unsuitable boyfriend

23 replies

ijustwanttobeme · 26/02/2013 23:56

Help!

Just found out that DDs new BF has criminal record for amongst other things, shooting two people, shoplifting, and carrying a knife! The shouting incident was three years ago, when he was 16 and he went inside for a short while.

She's 18 and is in yr 13 studying towards Uni in the Autumn.

We only found out when we googled his name. She's saying the shooting conviction was all wrong and that he's changed etc etc. There were tears and much shouting from her but refuses to stop seeing him.

Advice please. I am so very worried.

OP posts:
Original poster
ijustwanttobeme · 27/02/2013 00:00

Just want to add, she's normally a sensible girl who would run a mile from anyone 'dodgy' , which makes it harder to understand what's happened here.

OP posts:
ripsishere · 27/02/2013 01:46

Out of curiosity, what made you google him?

exexpat · 27/02/2013 02:04

I didn't think anyone was allowed to name under-18s convicted of most things?

SavoyCabbage · 27/02/2013 02:59

He shot two people! That's not good. If she's sensible usually then maybe he's a changed character and anyway most relationships that pre-date university fizzle out.

If she's doing it to rebel, I would have him round for tea and take a photo of them together and put it on the mantle.

sashh · 27/02/2013 07:49

Doesn't everyone go through an unsuitable boyfriend stage?

scarlettsmummy2 · 27/02/2013 18:16

Oh no, not ideal. I would suspect though that the more you put your foot down the more determined she will be to see him. I think it may be wise to follow the idea of keep your friends close but enemies even closer! Nothing is likely to put her off him more than perceiving you liking him!

SminkoPinko · 27/02/2013 18:18

Why did you google him? That sounds like an odd thing to do!

ScabieFace · 27/02/2013 18:27

Hm, would his name be public if he was under 16??? Hmm

Original poster
ijustwanttobeme · 27/02/2013 18:37

I googled him because his name rang a bell and I thought it was something to do with work. Part of which is to do with benefit fraud.

The newspaper article I found ( from 2010) , which has caused my concern had a quote from the judge, ' due to severity of case.. needs to be named and shamed...'

Scarlettsmummy2: I agree, which is why I'm considering playing it cool(er than I actually am) and simply saying you're 18, your choice, we're here if you need us. Invite him round and so on.

I just hope it blows out, but what if it doesn't? Her plans for Uni etc?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 27/02/2013 18:43

Go with the play it cool option. She's 18, it's her choice - just step in if he's shit to her. And let her know you will be there for her.

The above is quite separate from letting him in your house - it's not her house, it's yours. If you don't want some dodgy ex con round yours then don't feel you have to.

CashmereHoodlum · 27/02/2013 18:54

What does he do now? My main concern would be that hanging around with him might put her off going to university. Is she still committed to her studies or are they slipping now that she is with him?

amillionyears · 27/02/2013 19:00

Has she had many boyfriends before?

amillionyears · 27/02/2013 19:02

What do her peers say about him?
Has she changed character recently?

Is she trying to "rescue" him, do you think?

Original poster
ijustwanttobeme · 27/02/2013 19:29

As its so recent ( only a couple of weeks) I think, am not sure about her friends.

She's only ever had one boyfriend that lasted 2+ years and that petered out when he went to Uni.

Not sure about rescuing him, but she did send me a text today telling me no one takes notice of how he's turning his life around and how g

OP posts:
Original poster
ijustwanttobeme · 27/02/2013 19:34

Good he is with her etc

Without sounding a complete snobby judgemental NIMBY I don't want him anywhere near her- reformed character or not!

OP posts:
amillionyears · 27/02/2013 19:42

What is he doing with his life now?

This is all tricky.

Agree with others that I dont think you putting your foot down about him will get you anywhere at all.

I think the best you can hope for is actually that she talks to you about him. And that you and whoever else answer her at least matter of factually.

Original poster
ijustwanttobeme · 27/02/2013 20:07

No, I know we can't stop her seeing him by locking her in her room Grin and that we have to tread softly with this.

We have a family member who has personal experience of this situation, so could get them to have a chat with DD. It did not end well with her...police and social services got involved...

OP posts:
thesnootyfox · 27/02/2013 20:23

Is googling weird?

My niece has had lots of unsuitable boyfriends and I have googled them.

Uppermid · 27/02/2013 20:27

Flirt with him?! Nothing would have put me off a boyfriend quicker than my mum liking him!

Seriously I hope either she comes to her senses or he's changed

Original poster
ijustwanttobeme · 27/02/2013 20:58

The Snooty Fox: thank you for reassuring me I wasn't venturing into weirdo territory myself by googling him.

Am sat in the car waiting for her to finish work. Feel a bit sick that she will just tell me to butt out and leave her to get on with her life blah blah blah. Which it must be said was the reason I left home myself at 18, felt parents were controlling my life.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 27/02/2013 21:04

In that case, tread even more carefully.
Did your life work out ok?

Original poster
ijustwanttobeme · 28/02/2013 22:59

Yes it did just about!

DD had a long chat with the family member last night, who advised her of how it could turn out, despite his caring loving persona currently on display. Whatever was said, DD has told him they cannot see each other due to family disapproval. He was disappointed he didn't get the chance to tell us his side of the story...

Well, she's not talking to me at the moment, as DD honestly believes he has changed and we are refusing to give him a chance. It is sad to see her so upset as he's got under her skin already- it's been a couple of months not weeks like I thought. I Do hope it's not going to make her sneak around?

Why Then am I feeling sorry for him now?

OP posts:
ripsishere · 01/03/2013 00:10

Because you are a better person than me?
Very best luck for the next day/week/month...however long it takes until your DD sees you have her best interests at heart.

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