19 year old - college but no job, no friends, no social life & lives at home

[Moanranger]

I posted re DS a couple of years ago as he was depressed during 6th form. That has passed & he seems less depressed, but as title. V introverted, but pleasant & no reason for lack of friends/ social life except he makes no effort. Incredibly passive. I think he finds the current set up ( lives at home) easy & no hassle & he likes it that way. When I push him on part - time job, his excuse is that it would interfere with college, which I do not agree with. To me he seems classically passive-aggressive & hence v infuriating.
I am thinking of sitting him down tomorrow & spelling out my concerns, vis, what does he think about no social interaction with his peers? Never having had even a part-time job? Etc and then getting him to agree to a plan.
H agrees but his approach is to complain privately but take no action ( rather passive himself but dynamo compared to son.)
I want him out by 21 - type who could end up living at home til 35 if not pushed.
Any thoughts?

I don't think it fair to push him out my 21 if he isn't ready and is studying.

Have you ever considered there might be more to this than meets the eye? With him having no friends/social life is unusual at his age even if he's quiet.

Agree with wowser saying you want him out by 21 is harsh ESP as jobs a scarce and rent very high. Let him finish his studies and encourage him to get a Saturday job at least

You want him out by 21?

did he ever see a psychologist? or as a family, have family therapy?

Mercibucket - he did see a v good psychiatrist - had to go private as NHS were rubbish. Interesting feedback re 21- I don't think that is too young. My daughter is 21, has a room, but is either at college 100+mi away or at boyfriend's.
In contrast, son is home 24/7 except when at college.
In London, plenty of skilled & unskilled positions here.

It is like saying I want him walking by 2 about a toddler! People develop and are ready at different rates. He is in education can he reallynearnnenough tomrentba room in London fron pt job? He would be struggling and just about making ends meet Do you no have room for him? My ds is this age lives at home we love having him and I feel like we need to be here for I'm until he is ready no matter if he is 30!

Wise words, mindfulmum

What did the psychiatrist say? Btw, yes, I agree nhs is rubbish for mental health. A psychologist for cbt might be worth thinking about if it is a confidence problem? Or maybe family therapy if you find it hard to step back from organising him, which is not a criticism, and is easy to do with someone very passive, but probably makes some people more, not less, passive

It's really hard to say over the internet, maybe he is just being lazy, but I would be concerned about the introversion and lack of friends, more than the independent living side of things

Wise words, mindfulmum

What did the psychiatrist say? Btw, yes, I agree nhs is rubbish for mental health. A psychologist for cbt might be worth thinking about if it is a confidence problem? Or maybe family therapy if you find it hard to step back from organising him, which is not a criticism, and is easy to do with someone very passive, but probably makes some people more, not less, passive

It's really hard to say over the internet, maybe he is just being lazy, but I would be concerned about the introversion and lack of friends, more than the independent living side of things

Thanks, mindful mum. Re-shrink, it was client confidential, so he did not tell me anything directly, but both he & GP very concerned, so I suspect he had thoughts of suicide. This was over 2 years ago & he had second lesser bout last year. He went to shrink again, but then told me he didn't want to go. I then said to him he could improve his outlook a lot by getting out of room, getting exercise, etc.
He is definitely less depressed, but makes no efforts to socialise. I am thinking of having a discussion with him about taking some positive steps towards making friends & getting p/t job.
My idea about independence at 21 is ensuring that he has skills to be independent. For example, if he wants to go out to hear music, he goes either with me or husband, which would be nice, except that he does this as he has no friends he would go with.
I agree re college being tiring: he commutes & it is a full day when there - 4 days a week.

This is a lot more serious than just 'no friends' he needs professional help. Forcing to make someone with his make up live independently based purely on age is just not right. He may sink rather than swim and feel isolated even more At least currently he has you 2. What are his post college plans?

Right, I don't want to sound harsh, but also I don't want you to continue with this mindset. I think you need to start with you. Please either read up on, or go and see someone about, how to deal with a person with mental health problems. At the moment you sound quite in denial, and all very 'positive thinking and planning a way out of it'. This could be making him feel worse, not better, and having the opposite effect to that intended. I can see why you would be in denial tbh, my mum spent 15 years in denial about her ds, but it is not healthy or helpful.

It is very hard if he won't open up to you about what exactly is going on, perhaps this is an area to work on, so he trusts you enough to tell you without you jumping in with a solution?

I really feel for you all, but this sounds like a situation where acceptance and support from family and professional intervention are needed rather than a pull yourself together chat from mum

With all due respect, mercibucket, you cannot make someone see a shrink if they don't want to,& he does not.
We had a nice chat tonight, I asked him how he felt, friends situation, any at college, recurrence of anxiety/depression. I am the one he talks to about this. He says he has a group of friends he has lunch with & also on FB with them. We discussed possible P/T work, etc. Very low key, but I think worthwhile.
Later I was upset about something & he asked me if I wanted a hug, which I accepted.Sweet!

my point was that you yourself should seek professional advice on how to handle this, the mind website is very useful as a starting point. mostly just to avoid the bracing, pull yourself together type talks and comparisons, spoken or not, with more successful siblings, and to show kindness and understanding.
not that i am saying you are not doing that already of course, but it can be v useful for suggestions on what to say in some situations, and what to avoid
i'm glad he's opening up and talking today. i'd really recommend the cbt if it is a question of confidence.
btw, did he used to have friends and has changed recently or has he always found social situations difficult
i'm really not having a go. this is all v familiar ground and we handled it v badly through lack of knowledge

Thanks, mindful. Yes, after his first episode, I told him it was really important if he felt like this again, to get help, so I do " check in" with him from time to time. I do try to be cool and low key, so while I felt upset earlier tonight, I know it's unwise to burden your children with your problems, especially if they are emotionally fragile.
Re what stresses him, he has difficulty articulating this; I think he finds any change to routine - changing schools, etc, difficult. My view is he needs to "own" what he does, and he made the decision to go to this college (music, & he is v good at it).

Mercibucket thanks for clarification - I will check out web-site. I guess my original post reflected my frustration - he is v different to his sister & I try not to compare, but need to find a way to both support & nudge,too IYKWIM?