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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

when do i talk to my son about condoms ?

25 replies

wonderingwendy · 31/01/2013 13:37

me and my sister are having a debate and i would appreciate some advice
my son is nearly 15 and has had a girlfriend (same age) for 14 months now, my sister who is mum to a 17 yr old boy thinks i need to give him condoms but i &dh dont agree.
i think he is too young and i dont want him to think i am encouraging him into sex.
she however thinks im naive to think that.
who is right ?

OP posts:

notMarlene · 31/01/2013 13:38

15 seems way too late to talk about condoms

LeChatRouge · 31/01/2013 13:39

Probably about 14 months ago......

TopsyRK · 31/01/2013 13:42

He would have covered this in school and should have been told where to get them free.

meditrina · 31/01/2013 13:47

You don't need to actually supply the condoms.

But if you haven't even talked to him, then I think you need to asap.

Original poster

wonderingwendy · 31/01/2013 13:47

dont get me wrong of course he knows about condoms but do you think i need to give him so -btw my dh is very against it .
he had sex ed yesterday and his gf was sitting next to him !

OP posts:

anklebitersmum · 31/01/2013 13:47

Why not have an open, un-embarrassed conversation with DS? I would imagine that one or both of them will have at least thought about foreplay and/or sex over the course of 14 months together.

Neither you or your sister are 'right' as such but I would definately be having an open, frank conversation with my DS (or DD for that matter). You aren't encouraging something just by broaching it imo.

TopsyRK · 31/01/2013 13:49

No he wont need the talk, just as long as he knows he can ask you if need be

Original poster

wonderingwendy · 31/01/2013 13:50

they hardly spend time alone together as she has so many friends and extra curricular activities so i shouldn't think anything has happened so far.
im nervous about that conversation as he isn't really one to be open with me.

OP posts:

meditrina · 31/01/2013 14:03

If you're not in the habit of talking about relationships or sex, then it would be excruciatingly embarrassing (to the point of being counter productive) to wade straight in with a supply of condoms.

But teens can manage to be sexually active at all sorts of odd moments. So I think in your shoes I would make it a priority to work on improving communication, perhaps using soap story lines or a programme like The Big Bang Theory as a springboard.

PuffPants · 31/01/2013 14:18

I would be having a serious chat in which you do not encourage sex at all, in fact you remind him that both he and his girlfriend are under the age of consent. Tell him about stds and pregnancy if you like but encouraging respect for himself and the girl wouldn't be a bad idea. Better he thinks sex is a mature act for adults not children than that he thinks even his mum believes he should be doing it by now.

And if you do think he's doing it already tell him you would be mortified and ashamed if he was stupid enough to father a child. That's what I would do - be open about sex, yes, but don't act like you think it's ok.

anklebitersmum · 31/01/2013 14:32

I know I'll be harassed for this suggestion but try watching what we call the 'junk' programs to inspire a more natural conversation flow.

Maury (place yer bets on whether he is or not) and Jeremy Kyle (more 'well that's not a very nice thing to do/say') have provided many a springboard for un-embarrassed chat in out house. DS asks question/comments and programme goes on pause. We've chatted about responsibility, sti's, step parenting, absent parents, genetic traits-you name it we've talked about it. Avoids the 'are you doing/thinking/considering' awkwardness.

secretscwirrels · 31/01/2013 17:07

Hideously embarrassed it might be, but if you haven't been in the habit of talking about it before start now. I agree with others that handing over condoms is not the right way to start, but at 14 even if they have done nothing they might well be thinking about it.

EdBird · 31/01/2013 17:20

I have a bull by the horns philosophy when it comes to this sort of stuff
e.g into dd room and say 'you need not reply or comment but I want you to listen' then go on about whatever. She normally comes up with a few questions and comments. I just leave it when I have said what needs to be said and go and do not mention it further unless she does.
I have esp done this to cover the nitty-gritty of sexual things that she thinks she knows about but prob doesn't.
Covered oral sex, porn and boys expectations versus reality, morning after pill etc
I have also got a secret stash of morning after pills just in case (she doesn't know)
This seems to work for us but we are quite communicative anyway so may not suit all.
I would be surprised if they had not talked about having sex tbf

brightwell · 31/01/2013 18:45

I've had the condom talk with my ds today...I've always been open & honest and have answered his questions when he's asked. He's now 15 and developing at a rapid rate. I've gone down the line of I feel it's best if you are in a loving relationship, mutual respect etc before starting a sexual relationship. Dispelled the common myths and explained the importance of consent and the use of condoms. And if he felt he wasn't able approach the school nurse or buy condoms I would get them for him, we now have a packet of 3 on this weeks online shop!

flow4 · 31/01/2013 21:06

A couple of years ago, tbh...

He will have heard about condoms at school, a year or two ago, but IME the kids are so busy giggling and winding each other up that they don't actually remember half of what they're told, so it needs repeating.

Two kids in my DS's class had penetrative sex when they were all in T7, aged 11/12. :( That's rare I'd guess, but IMO the fact that it happens at all is the reason we need to talk to kids about sex when they're very young.

VivaLeBeaver · 31/01/2013 21:16

I've already told my nearly 12yo dd that when she has sex or thinks she might do soon I want her to come and tell me so I an help her sort out contraception. She was a bit surprised and asked me if I'd be cross and I promised her I wouldn't be no matter how old she was....but obviously I'd prefer that she waited till she was quite a bit older and in a relationship.

I'm hoping she doesn't see it as a green light to have sex really young. She seems fairly sensible so fingers crossed......I've seen too many pregnant 13 and 14 year old girls though.

EdBird · 31/01/2013 21:45

Yep flow4. I am v old now compared to many on here and I was having sex at 14 as were some of my contemporaries (plus TOPs as well - not me by luck rather than judgment). This was at a private school (just in case anyone was kidding themselves LOL).
Sooner is my message.

Original poster

wonderingwendy · 01/02/2013 14:19

Still havent broached it yet . Where do i even start?

OP posts:

flow4 · 01/02/2013 17:09

How about this...?

Buy some condoms and put them at the back of the bathroom cupboard.

Find a reason to drive somewhere together, if you have a car; otherwise enlist his help with some DIY or washing up - with no eye contact.

Adopt a light, slightly jokey tone (embarrassment is expected!). Say "Oo, DS, I had a thought yesterday... Now you've got a girlfriend I need to check... Do you know how use condoms?!"

Respond to/deal with whatever he says, e.g. "Ewwwwww, muuuuuum!" > "Oh I know you're a bit young yet, but I just want to make sure you know what to do and where to go when you need them"; or "Yeh, course I do, stupid" > "Oh good, where would you get them then...?"

If he doesn't actually jump out of the car, you have 10 mins or so to have a conversation with him about sex and relationships. Personally I'd want to touch on: how much you like his girlfriend (whether or not that's true); checking he knows it's illegal to have sex before age 16; your own views on sex; where the local family planning clinic is; and the fact that there are a few condoms in the bathroom cupboard for emergencies...

I'd also offer to show him how to use one (on a banana) and/or take him to the family planning clinic.

If you're embarrassed, or if he is, it make take a couple of tries before you successfully have this conversation. That's OK... It'll get easier each time :)

If you're worried that it's going to be excruciatingly embarrassing and difficult, just keep in mind how much more embarrassing and difficult it would be to become a grandma when your son is so young.

Good luck!

Original poster

wonderingwendy · 01/02/2013 19:50

That was so helpfull thankyou

OP posts:

DuckMeInTheGrass · 01/02/2013 19:55

I think you'll probably be locking the gate after the horse has bolted now, to be honest.

flow4 · 01/02/2013 21:23

You're welcome wendy. :)

Theas18 · 01/02/2013 23:36

My excuse when the kids friends started pairing off was "here are some condoms I know you haven't a partner/ under age etc but I just wonder if you might need some for your friends, I need no names ordetails but you can help then to stay safe".

MerryCouthyMows · 01/02/2013 23:55

I would have thought (given the fact that I was pg at 15) that 15 is somewhat late to be talking about condoms - especially as he has had a serious girlfriend for 14 months. Are you ever so slightly in denial about your DS growing up?

My not-quite 11yo knows about the pill and condoms, as those questions came up after they did sex education at the start of the year, he wanted to know if there was any way to STOP babies being made.

Original poster

wonderingwendy · 12/02/2013 19:06

Well it took me a good few weeks to muster up enough courage but finally spoke to him and he giggled and it was fine i was more embarrassed than he was.
I just said "im not sure if you and m..... Are at that stage yet but i just want to talk a little about being safe if in the moment you get carried away ",i gave him two condoms which he asked me to put them in his underwear drawer .he told me that no they hadnt got to that stage yet and he would be safe.i told him that this talk didnt mean i condoned having sex just yet but if it does happen to be safe.
I also let him know that i was young once and he can ask me anything should he feel the need.

OP posts:

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