17 year old DD driving me mad!

[FedupinFrance]

Hi all. I'm new here so hope I'm doing the right thing. I'm 57. DH is 77. Only child DD is 17 (do all the 7's replace the Devil's 6's LOL!).

Seriously. We live in France and DD is at Lycée. She's going to sit her Bac in June and is hoping to go to a Grande Ecole in September.

HOWEVER!!! She'd been going out with boyfriend for nearly 2 years. Coming up to the anniversary of their relationship he stopped texting her and wouldn't talk to her during the day (they are at the same Lycée but not the same class). Then just before Christmas he asked her to stay over for the weekend, going into Lycée together on Monday, comme d'habitude. She was over the moon. He dumped her that Monday and promptly started going out with someone else at the Christmas prom.

Now that is all normal, but she won't let go. For the last 6 weeks she has been driving us both mad. She won't talk. Won't listen to what we are saying. Won't participate in family conversations. She has always done so before this and I thought I was going to be lucky with a lovely teenager!!

I think I know what the problem is. No more sex and her hormones are all over the place.

I've tried talking, tried being a concerned Mum. Tried gving her hugs and being supportive, but tonight's efforts resulted in a flaming row.

Anyone any ideas? Please? I'm at my wits end.

Hi Fedup,

I'm new here too (though a long-time lurker) and I decided to reply as your post struck a chord with me.

I remember those early heartbreaks well. I'm in my early 20s so some of them are still quite recent! It's particularly hard when the boy in question ends it in such an abrupt way. It leaves so many unanswered questions, but part of moving on is accepting that those questions likely never will be answered. Your poor DD. To her, it must seem like the end of the world at the moment.

She will get over him, but it takes time and you can't rush that. Sometimes I wished that I was over it yet but I had to wait for it to happen in its own time! I confided in my mother a lot, but not everyone deals with things in the same way. Maybe your DD is getting lots of support from friends at school so would prefer not to talk about it at home too. In any case, she doesn't seem to want to talk to you about it at the moment, but she may come round. Perhaps it would help to let her know that you're there for her and then leave it until/unless she comes to you.

What I found really helpful was being distracted. My mum organised some lovely things for us to do together when I was heartbroken and it helped a lot! Could you organise something special that you would both enjoy? A day trip, a spa visit or maybe even a holiday? Is there something she's always dreamed of doing? It would give your DD something to look forward to and take her mind off things. She must be doing well at school to be considering a Grand Ecole, so you could 'reward' her for her hard work. You could also do something to help her future, like setting up some work experience, so she feels like her future looks bright in other ways than relationships with boys.

All that worked really well for me and in time I did get over it and meet someone amazing. Good luck.

Your poor DD.

How horrible to be dumped suddenly after nearly two years
and then have to see her ex at school with his new girlfriend.

"Now all that is normal, but she won't let go". Well it does happen, but it must be heart-breaking for her. I took months to recover from my first BF breaking up with me after only 4 months of going out with him! I wasn't about to talk to DM about it after she commented that I'd have more time for my schoolwork - great, I'd been managing fine.

Acknowledge her sadness, don't dismiss it as one of those things and try to find something for her to look forward to. Her confidence may have taken a knock so be extra gentle.

Posted too early, sorry.

Sometimes it does take a while.

Something will come along to distract her sooner or later.

Surely she is no less your lovely teenager because she is unhappy and her heart is broken? Or are people only lovely if nothing bad happens to them?

The fact that she is 17 does not mean that her feelings are less serious or less real than if she had been 20 years older.

I was only 2 years older than her when I met dh and knew from the start that this was the relationship. When he did break off briefly a year later, it took me months to get out of the depression. As we got together again and have now been together for nearly 30 years I think it's reasonable to think that my feelings were valid; it was real love, not just hormones and lack of sex.

Give her time and acknowledge her feelings.

Goodness! I must sound like a harriden and an unfeeling and uncaring mother! That's not how I meant to sound at all so please forgive me. It's just that after nearly 2 months of this I'm getting just a tad fed up. I wouldn't mind if she cried and ranted and raved, but she just sits there staring into space.

Anyone, I've decided next weekend to take her shopping to her favourite shopping centre and am hoping that she might open up over a baguette and a chocolat chaud. We shall see.

Thanks for all your advice and support. Mum's Net is great!

When I split up with my first love it took 6 weeks of crying to get over him. Then suddenly i was OK. He decided to come crawling back, took him back briefly but then became strong enough to be without him.

I suggest lots of hugs, movie watching, shopping, hot choc as you have already said, tell her she will need to kiss a lot of frogs before she finds her prince. Also check there is no way she might be pregnant.

Thanks again for all your advice. There has been a lot of chill-axing, watching tv and shopping online. The suggested weekend of shopping and chocolat chaud received the thumbs down due to mountains of homework and the flu.

She is definitely not pregnant!

I got dd a kitten (she always wanted one) when her first love broke her heart. She soon started smiling again.

It just worked.

Good luck, it wasn't easy, I understand that, you feel every nerve of their poor little hearts.