MaryZ's support thread for parents of troubled teenagers

[MaryZcary]

I am starting this thread in the hope that it will become a safe space for those of us strugging with very challenging teenage behaviour.

I'm hoping that it will be a support thread, rather than descend as so many threads do into a "criticism of the parents". Those of us in this situation know that it is pretty much impossible to just "tell them to stop" or to "ground them", and taking away phones, money and gadgets leads to lying stealing and running away .

Sadly it seems cannabis is at the bottom of an awful lot of these children's problems, and I'm hoping we can talk about that here without having to defend ourselves against the "cannabis does no harm" brigade. So if anyone tries to turn it into an argument about whether cannabis is addictive or harmful, could you please just ignore them and hope they go away - or start another thread which I can hide where they can argue away happily.

Anyway, sign in if you are interested. I'll be back later.

Horse=perfect therapy.

Not my own unfortunately . Very calming though.

what a fabulous thread Maryz! I remember your kind words and handholding with my DD a while back. It makes such a difference to be able to vent to someone who will be non judgemental, and just to realise that you are not alone. My DD still has problems with drugs and alcohol, so we're not out of the woods yet, but time makes all the difference to a troubled teen, and I am 100% in agreement with Maryz that beating yourself up about what has happened is non productive and in fact destructive. Good luck everyone - there is light at the end of the tunnel, far away as it might appear at the moment.

I think a thread like this is a fab idea...esp if you don't have supportive friends. I'm lucky in that two of my friends have a teenagers who are VERY challenging and they has been a great support and help. However, another friend, who I previously thought I was close to and counted upon, I have grown away from a lot, as she judges me and my challenging teenager and is very superior over her 3 well behaved ones (little does she know one of them is not as well behaved as she thinks) As one of my other friends says, also in the same position as me, her time will come and her teenagers will rebel at some point.....

Horse riding is a great thing to do, doin! I hope you're having the same crisp weather we have atm, and you have a lovely time. :)

My son was away from home twice this year, once for 3 days and once for a week. The first time, I'm pretty sure he thought he was punishing/getting at me by staying away, and he also tried to tell me he would only come home if I did this and that.

But he underestimated how angry and concerned and desperate I was, and was totally gobsmacked when I said he couldn't come home unless he agreed to do and not do certain things, including not being violent or stealing from me again. Finally he made the agreements I needed, but I still don't think he believed I was serious, because he broke the agreement after a few weeks.

The second time, I was much more wary, and had really mixed feelings about letting him come home at all. In the end, I drew up a written agreement, which he has (more or less) stuck to.

I found it very hard that my only options were 'kick him out' or 'hang on in there'. There is literally no-one/no-where else he can go to. If his dad had been around, I would definitely have sent DS there.

Signing in after DH, DD and I going to see DS at uni. He is doing well, loves uni, and is working hard. The weekend was good, in parts. DS and DD argued which is rare. I think DS was embarrassed by DD smoking and her 'Chav talk' (his words), I tried to explain that it was part ofDD trying to fit in at where she is living, but he finds it difficult to understand. She told him to fuck off and stormed out of the restaurant, given her history of running away, our stress levels went sky high. I found her back at where we were staying, and we sat and talked. Six months ago, it would have ended up with her running away and/ or trashing the place and/ or attacking me. She told me she felt judged by DS, but did actually listen when I said his comments were clumsy but said out love. She then came down and actually apologised! They did patch things up.
Not exactly a relaxing weekend, but I felt that DD had made a real effort in managing her emotions, which is a significant step forward.
We dropped her back at the home, to my sadness andi think to DH's relief.
doin, you sound more positive, I hope you manage to get the counselling you need, carry on doing nice things for yourself, it does really help.

FFS Dd apologised on Friday and came home. She has done her homework and asked if she could go to bf's house for a couple of hours. I stupidly agreed. Now she wont answer her phone or my texts reminding her that she promised to be home before ten.

I feel like packing an overnight bag and booking myself into a hotel.

doin, that is a really familiar situation - I've been there many, many times. It's really stressful.

Firstly, you weren't stupid to let her go to her boyfriend's. It was perfectly reasonable for you to say yes. It's her who is being stupid, not you.

She knows she's getting to you. She's game playing. You need to find a way to stop the game, or your stress levels will be sky-high. It's kind of like attention-seeking behaviour from toddlers: you need to ignore it, or it just goes on and on.

Whatever you decide to do, I would very strongly advise that you stop calling and texting her. It just keeps the game going.

So... You need to work out what you want to do that gives you back the control over your own actions and reactions in this situation. You can't control her, but you can control you. For as long as you chase and text and call, she is controlling your responses. You need to stop letting her. I know (from bitter experience) this is much easier said than done, but it's what you need to do, if you possibly can.

Decide what your practical options are. They probably include:

• Sitting up waiting for her.
• Going to bed.
• (Maybe? - ) locking her out and telling her to go to her dad's or stay at her boyfriend's.

And if booking yourself into a hotel is actually practical, it might not be a bad idea. Add it to the list :)

There may be other things buzzing round your head, like calling the police and throwing her out forever. But they're (probably) not practical; they're things that are tempting because she's playing games and you want her to stop and it's maddening, so it's easy to get 'pulled in'... Try and ignore them, and focus on the things you really can do.

Which of the options work best for you - i.e. which will make you feel better rather than worse? That is the one that will give you most control. Imagine she was not your DD but your lodger... What would you do then? That is probably the best thing to do now, too.

Bloody teenagers!
It is 'just a stage'. It will pass, honestly! :)

Thanks for replying Flow. She told me she would be home by ten, then denies saying it when she eventually came home. I could scream with frustration.

I might write her a letter. I would happily lock her out but I have lodgers to consider and she would wake them up hammering on the door.

One of the few ways I can cope is by withdrawing from her- no cooking,washing,making packed lunch,no speaking, no telling her if I go out. I will seriously consider going to a hotel.

I am sure that I do love her but cannot dredge up any feelings apart from hate .

I know, my DS has done exactly the same.

Withdrawing is a way to protect yourself from exhaustion. It is exhausting dealing with the emotional roller-coaster of living with someone who is behaving like this.

I think the feelings of hatred are the flip-side of love. You feel so bad because you love her, and it is so upsetting and disappointing and infuriating. The feelings were overwhelming: I know that I felt betrayed by my son :( And it was also so painful that it actually felt like a bereavement - like my 'real' son, my sweet boy, had died :(

I am 9-12 months on from those feelings now. He seems to have grown up a lot in the last couple of months (fingers crossed) and he hasn't done anything terrible for a while. It will get better for you too.

With hindsight, I think the bad times are a 'natural' way of breaking the bonds between mother and child, so that they can leave home, and you can let them go. That doesn't stop it hurting, but at least it doesn't feel so personal...

She refused to go to school today . She had to do some prep for gcse science ( even though she said she had no school work over half term ) I asked when it was for and she said she didn't know . This morning she text me and said she wasn't going to school and she would miss her science assessment. I could scream. She tells lies to suit herself. I was so mad I told her I was moving out and she can get on with things herself .

I havent seen or spoken to daughter tonight. She's in her bedroom. Am i over reacting? I feel lost as to know what to do. Just fed up of being spoken to like dirt. I wish we could talk with some sort of referee.

May i join i have placed my backstory on a thread started by biffa88 my dds dont live with anymore i took the decsion when they were at there dads and packed the house up and left i felt and still do that a absent mum was better than dead one still have the after effects though i see my dd2. But had no contact with dd1 for two.years my mum who didnt belive me about most of the stuff i went through is supporting dd1 though dd1 lives at her best friends house she seems better behaved now did do college for nearly a yr but has a job now. My mum rarly speaks to me and when she does she never mentions dd1 she said dont contact her let her contact me i get all info from dd2. Am off ads now and not so stressed but do have flare ups if dd2 vists and raises her voice you all are so much braver and stronger then me.

I dunno about that stars... TBH I can't think of anything much braver than a mum leaving her kids because she thinks it's the best thing for them. Must hurt... :(

I feel for you stars. What a difficult decision to make. Sometimes we can't do right for doing wrong. If only the children realise how much we love them. But they seem to think we are the enemy. If I had my time again I would never have had my daughter, it's just too painful all round.

Haha, yes Maryz You helped me through the shittiest times, as you have helped so many other. Let me hand some to your [pround mentor emoticon]!

I have learned a lot, and knew a fair bit already... It can just be sooooo hard to actually remember it when you're nose-deep in chaos and anger and grief and confusion...

Thankyou all for your kind words. I understand what you say Doin. My youngest understands why i couldnt bring here ( in that last week she began abusing me verbaley too and all ready had a rough summer with her) but shes ok she knows to call when in a mess etc (like this weekend my n my dp finisjed a 12 hour night shift. i got a call saying dad was on a brake with his wife and a friend she was staying over with on the sat got time muddled and she couldnt be there till tea time and she was poorly) so she would of being home alone for 8hours we got dressed and rushed over to her a four hour round trip and took her back to ours xh not impreesed i think but my dd2 needed me shes looking to move here for college thankyou again for your kindness you dont know how much it means to me

I agree Mary, I have lost some of my anger . I swing from one emotion to another. I feel totally drained today. She has refused to attend school again today saying she won't go until this is sorted out. We are at stale mate.

Hooray!! Was going to put MaryZ into the search today but no need...the perfect thread at the perfect time!! Haven't posted for few months but so nice to see some familiar names...ladies who's thoughts and advice have really helped me when things have been almost unbearable.
Well DS2 now 15 and a bit and we're coming up to 2 years of shite now. Thought things were at rock bottom but on the way up just before the summer hols...in July taking class A drugs as well, asked to leave his pupil referral unit, violence, police, stealing....all the usual?! Then seemed to calm it down a bit...think the class A's possibly frightened him? Also found a girlfriend he was besotted with who doesn't approve of the drink/drugs.
But sadly deluded..again! Things really bad again after a breather in the Summer. ?? Back on other than weed, girlfriend on/off etc,etc.
Had to call the police for the third time last Friday...all got so out of control that was frightened DH would loose it...and he is the gentlest kindest man I know. Police wanted to know if we wanted to press charges for assault and criminal damage....have asked us before...we always say no. But this time all we wanted was for him to not come back...awful but true. We are so tired.
He was arrested anyway because it turned out that he was wanted for assaulting a local shop keeper earlier in the evening....drunk and out of it.
flow4 what happened and what were the repercussions from having your son arrested? The police are a little puzzled I think that we don't follow things through but my husband is adamant that this is the last time he will not press charges.
MaryZ how old is your son now? Do you think you have a light at the end of the tunnel yet? or at least a small flicker?! We keep saying "we can do this for another X years, keep calm and carry on. Our lovely boy will come back one day in some shape or form when he's older" but the time keeps rolling by..its all such a shame it has to be like this.
Sorry for rambling. Thanks again for posting Mary and Flow and all you other ladies out there....so nice to know we are not alone!!

blue, sorry to hear things are grim for you too :(

You asked what happened when I had my son arrested...

Practically, it was all quite straight-forward: he was arrested, charged with assault and criminal damage, bailed to report to the Youth Offending Team (which was a way of getting a bit of support from them), we had a visit from them, he went to one session with them, he received a final warning, and that was it.

It might not be quite so straight-forward for your son - I don't know - because the assault was on someone else, and I think the victim now gets some say in what happens...? Also, what happens depends on the attitude of the young person. If they admit it and are sorry, the outcome is better for them. If they deny the offence, it will go to court. And I think that if they do not say they are sorry, they cannot have a final warning.

Emotionally, it was incredibly difficult at the time and for several months afterwards. It felt like a really big deal to me, and to him too - not something I ever imagined I'd do - but I couldn't see what else I could do, that would stop what he was doing. I was angry and desperate and scared. He was absolutely furious with me. He didn't come home for three days, and I didn't want him. I wasn't sure I ever wanted him home. I asked for help from a social worker friend, so that I could work out a practical way forward. I would have used a 'mediator' for the first meeting between us, but no-one was available, and in the end, I was able to be calm enough to handle it myself. But it would have been better with an independent person to do that for us.

I also went to my GP and asked for counselling, so I had someone to talk to throughout. It took several months for me to stop feeling I wanted him gone.

One thing that was good was that the attending police officers at the time were great. They were very calm and supportive. They were also clear that I had been the victim of domestic violence. I felt like they took it very seriously, and recognised how desperate I was.

One practical thing that didn't go so well was the time immediately after he was arrested and charged. I didn't think past the point of arrest at all, and I didn't think about what would happen. So I was completely taken by surprise when the police phoned me to say they releasing him to my care. I hadn't seen him for three days, and the last time I had seen him, he had assaulted me, smashed up lots of things, and waved a knife around, so I did not feel safe to have him home without support. No support was available. I refused to have him home. The desk sergeant was awful and judgemental, and called me an irresponsible parent. She also (outrageously) said something negative about me in front of my son, which left him with the impression the police thought I was 'making a fuss', and definitely made it more difficult for me over the next couple of weeks. :( (I did make a complaint about that, in the end).

The very best thing of all - the thing that made it all worthwhile - was that it stopped my DS from behaving like that. He had been kicking off and being aggressive and violent for many months, but after I had had him arrested, it never happened again. He got angry once, and began to lose control, but because he then knew that I would call the police, he kept control, and went out, instead of smashing things up.

Hope that helps somehow...

doin, she is manipulating you. You already know that. Don't let her get inside your head. You can't control her behaviour, but you can control yours.
Take the focus off her for a bit. What are you doing with your days? Have you called social services yet? Have you seen your GP to arrange counselling? And more importantly, did you manage to go for a ride the other day, as you planned? :) Are you managing to do nice things for yourself regularly?

I did go for a ride flow. I'm paying for it now though, I can hardly walk. I loved it though. Came home today from work and ignored daughter . She came to my room and aggressively said she wanted to talk . I told her to say what was on her mind . She said she wasn't to blame for the situation. I said that's a shame because you ARE totally responsible, then refused to say any more apart from I will not tolerate her behaviour. She stormed out.

Received a text from her asking if we can sort it out. I again said there's nothing to sort out apart from your behaviour. I listed the things I expect from her and said I will call the police the minute she lays hands on me.

Had a reply from her saying" K"

I have s lady from YMCA coming tomorrow for a " chat" with us.

I went to the GP pretty useless. I asked for counselling but was told to try the school first. Same with SS who said until something happens they can't really do much.

Maybe you could say you are not interested in who is to 'blame' but rather what she thinks is going to happen to fix what has gone wrong? This will probably involve listening to her definition of what exactly it is that has gone wrong and maybe a good deal of tongue biting on your part. Try to keep her on track and away from the rut of blaming.

It's really easy and very tempting for someone who is set on scoring points to play the blame game (as your DD seems to be intent on doing) but you don't have to bat the ball right back to her and keep the silly game going.

Sounds like you are taking some steps to re-gain some control :) It also sounds like you are really angry, which isn't surprising. I hope the woman from the YMCA can help you talk to each other. It will help if you can both talk and listen... As a parent I think it often feels like you talk and DC don't actually listen, and presumably it feels the same to them

Did you ask the GP for counselling for you or for your DD? If the GP suggested trying school, it sounds like you asked about DD, or that's what the GP thought...?