I am starting this thread in the hope that it will become a safe space for those of us strugging with very challenging teenage behaviour.
I'm hoping that it will be a support thread, rather than descend as so many threads do into a "criticism of the parents". Those of us in this situation know that it is pretty much impossible to just "tell them to stop" or to "ground them", and taking away phones, money and gadgets leads to lying stealing and running away 
.
Sadly it seems cannabis is at the bottom of an awful lot of these children's problems, and I'm hoping we can talk about that here without having to defend ourselves against the "cannabis does no harm" brigade. So if anyone tries to turn it into an argument about whether cannabis is addictive or harmful, could you please just ignore them and hope they go away - or start another thread which I can hide where they can argue away happily.
Anyway, sign in if you are interested. I'll be back later.
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Teenagers
MaryZ's support thread for parents of troubled teenagers
MaryZcary · 28/10/2012 10:12
My DS1 is now put "in a box in my head". Because I can't deal with him any more. He uses drugs, lies, steals from me, has just got done for drink driving and has had his finger on the self destruct button for years.
Yes, I feel guilty. Yes, I always wonder what I could have done to change things. Yes, the others, all three of them have suffered and yes, I shouldn't have stuck up for him all the times I did.
BUT my Dad died, he came to the funeral. He had a one day "amnesty" from me, his stepdad who brought him up from 12 weeks, his Dad and his siblings. I hugged him and he was ok for a while.
he then went out to the "shop". He came back obviously high, to me and those who could tell.
He has broken my heart so many times.....I have texted him so many times and told him this, he doesn't seem to get it. Well, he does but just chooses to ignore it. On my birthday I got a txt at 2am, wishing me a Happy Birthday. I know that he txted me then because he never sleeps, cos he's high/drunk and just can't.
Whatever has happened, he is still my son but the love I feel for him is in that box with him, the box in my mind. I love him but I don't like him for the havoc, distress and the the way he has totally fucked up my other kids and me. he has virtually destroyed my relationship with his stepdad, my DH, because I have always tried to love him whilst defending his crappy behaviour, even tho I knew it to be so wrong.
It is hard to lose a child and I will just have to wait for him to grow out of it or die. That is my reality...I dread the phone ringing because one day I know, I just know, that I will have to identify my son's body.
Because I didn't have him here for Xmas and he was on his own...guilty mum
Because I didn't buy him food and left him to starve...guilty mum (although he always seems to find money for drugs)
Because I should have stopped him earlier and put my foot down...guilty mum.
I have three other kids, they are fine. That keeps me going, they are doing fine, great in fact and three out of four is not too bad.
BUT he's my son and I miss him. I gave birth to him and I miss him.
Yup, signing in too.
DS1 is much better since he went back to college... He's doing a course he wants to do, and he has to be up and out early most mornings, so he can't smoke week during the week :) But every time I get a phonecall from a 'withheld' number, I still expect it to be the police or other trouble :(
Thank god I also have a DS2 who is (so far) charming, high-achieving, polite and generally delightful, or I would certainly have believed I was a Bad Mother.
I can't stand those folk (often but not always ones who don't actually have a teenager 
) who come along and tell you that if only you would just do what they would do, and then you wouldn't have any problems at all. If we have any of those on your support thread, MaryZ, am I allowed to just tell them to fuck off?!
Yes, flow, do feel free to tell the smug ones to fuck off. But xx, parents like you are very welcome, as long as you can stand to be here - you might find it all a bit scary.
Ineed, I have found the combination of Aspergers and teenage hormones to be an awful one . If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about school or results, but concentrate on helping her to be happy if you can. Does your older dd have AS as well? Because trying to talk to ds about money is absolutely impossible - he just sees things he wants, he has no concept of saving and depriving himself of one thing in order to get another more important thing in the future.
sticky, you have had a shitty time, but I forbid you to feel guilty In fact, guilt and remorse and regret are banned on this thread. We are all starting from today, as we are now, and looking upwards and onwards [hopeful]
Oh xx, I just realise it may have sounded like I was implying I wanted to tell you to fuck off 
... 'Twasn't you at all: I had just been reading brighter's sadly derailed thread 
:(
nothing like as brave as Maryz, have namechanged in embarrassed manner. Oldest dc has battled against cannabis for a number of years, whilst it has eroded her drive and ambition. She was a talented sportswomen, got badly injured at about the same time as they start partying and started on the dope. Like others it is scary to see the blocked numbers appear, the middle of the night phone calls that don't leave a message (it's the cops folks)
thought we had sort of moved on a bit, finally found a HE course to accept her, and a vocational one with thought of a job at the end, but of course away from home is back smoking, on the dope, missing lectures, not cooking, losing weight.
was home this weekend and it was heartbreaking, she is struggling but may well get kicked off course.........
have other "normal" kids as well, but my god folk do judge
I'm not brave chicken 
. I'm just coping the best way for me. And being out in the open is helping me.
Cannabis is the curse of the struggling teen in my opinion. It may just be "a bit of fun" for some of them, but for those with SN, those struggling at school, the depressed ones or those with other mh issues, the unhappy ones it becomes an escape. A way of dulling life and enabling them to opt out and give up.
I'm sorry about your dd . ds1 has just gone back to college after nearly four years out of education and is really struggling, falling back on the joints to "help him sleep" .
knitted, has your dd seen the gp? Would it be worth going down the anti-depressant route? I know gps are reluctant to prescribe for teens, but I honestly believe that if ds's depression had been taken seriously earlier he might not have started on the self-medicating.
Ineed, ds1 was diagnosed when he was almost 9 - 10 years ago now. At the time I posted on mumsnet about it and there was no-one on mumsnet with a child with AS 
. We were lucky to get a diagnosis, but we mostly got it because he was threatening suicide - even after the diagnosis his behaviour at school was considered to be attitude rather than SN.
I hope he learns to manage money Flow. He is maturing (very, very slowly), so maybe by the time he gets to about 30 he might manage to pay rent
Signing in here too.
Mine are DD1 20 DS1 19 DD2 18 and DS2 15. DS1 has been my most troublesome teen, but the girls have encountered other types of hell too.. anorexia, self harm..
DS1 has smashed my home up, stolen (lots) from us , lied, smokes weed, been arrested....
His worst years were 12-17. He still smokes weed but now has a full time job, pays rent and is gradually becoming a lovely young man. He's not perfect (weed, overdraft!) but compared to where he was a few years ago he is an angel. His is finally on top of his anger problems and mostly is a loving son, fantastic brother and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Just wish he would stop the weed.
My eldest DD1 developed anorexia ( 6 stone at 5 ft 9) after a hellish first year at University.. on the mend now (yr 3) but still has some difficulties. Her younger sister also had eating problems tho not to the same degree, and self harm, depression but has also come out the other side and is happily in her first term at University now.
Youngest son has autism and learning disability and is a bloody BREEZE in comparison 
I'm not sure how I have got through the last few years..sometimes everyone was in crisis at the same time... but we DID... and I think MN is one of the best resources for support. Many a time I would have gone under had it not been for the wise ladies here!
We can all get through it..
Signing in too, flow4 and Mary thank you both for support when I needed the most, without judgment and all that bullshit, this was about the only place where I could really say how I was feeling at the time.
Things are brighter, DS is doing well, has a lovely girlfriend he passed all his AS and he's full steam ahead for A2 set for uni next year, no more weed and I hope it stays that way, I got my boy back but with a superhuman effort on all our part.
I still keep an hawk eye on him, but one day at the time it will take time for the emotional bruising to diminish and for trust to fully establish.
Love you ladies
Signing in. I've been off MN for a while as I have been trying to live more in RL ( with some success). But you've tempted me back MaryZ, you and Flow did a lot to keep me vaguely sane when things were at my worst. I don't need judgy comments, I'm more than capable of judging myself.
DD has been discharged from CAMHS this week, which is wonderful and scary at the same time. DD is working hard for college ( against a lot of prejudice and obstruction from the college) She is retaking a couple of GCSE modules, and our relationship is improving. But she's still not home
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