MaryZ's support thread for parents of troubled teenagers

[MaryZcary]

I am starting this thread in the hope that it will become a safe space for those of us strugging with very challenging teenage behaviour.

I'm hoping that it will be a support thread, rather than descend as so many threads do into a "criticism of the parents". Those of us in this situation know that it is pretty much impossible to just "tell them to stop" or to "ground them", and taking away phones, money and gadgets leads to lying stealing and running away .

Sadly it seems cannabis is at the bottom of an awful lot of these children's problems, and I'm hoping we can talk about that here without having to defend ourselves against the "cannabis does no harm" brigade. So if anyone tries to turn it into an argument about whether cannabis is addictive or harmful, could you please just ignore them and hope they go away - or start another thread which I can hide where they can argue away happily.

Anyway, sign in if you are interested. I'll be back later.

It's easier for them to have someone to blame.

ds1 didn't talk to me for three years . He hasn't hugged me since he was 2. But I love him and always will.

Thanks gem, appreciated [hsmile]

'Depression' is such a difficult word, because it means different things to different people, and takes different forms. I have also thought my DS1 might be depressed, but I'm not sure. What I do see in him, and in other children like him, is an issue with loss/abandonment/grief, which I think he then turns into anger.

Someone once said to me "unhappy boys 'act out' through anti-social behaviour, and unhappy girls 'act in' through self-half, eating disorders and depression". This is obviously a generalisation, but I think it captures something that's often true.

My DS feels the absence of his dad in his life very acutely, and has lost other important relationships too. For the last few years, he has also had 'short-term friends' (so it's interested to see other people saying the same about their DCs), and has not had the sort of close friendships he had when he was younger. I reckon he keeps things casual, because then if it doesn't work out, it hurts less.

He also does exactly what you describe, Maryz: "he seems to want to be the worst he can so that he can never be accused of trying and failing". He is terribly afraid of failure. We had a major breakthrough at the beginning of Sept where he pushed 'through the fear' and risked doing something he wasn't sure he'd succeed at, for the first time in many years... And when he did succeed, his self-confidence took such a leap... He is now back in college and re-engaged, and trying. I can't remember the last time he did that. :)

Yes, ds is also trying, which scares the living daylights out of me, because if he fails we are all screwed. And if I'm frightened, he must be fucking terrified.

ds was adopted, and feels abandoned. He also feels we are trying to impose our "middle class values" on him, whereas he suspects he comes from a more "working class" background. So he is rejecting us and our values, to add to his problems.

Oh blimey MaryZ, another layer of complexity to add to an already complex situation . (Funnily enough, my DS1 has also spent the last couple of years actively rejecting my 'middle class values').

My friend said something interesting about the fear... (She's wise, and a parent, and a former psychiatric nurse and youth worker...) If you fear failure so much that you never push through to success, then all you know is the fear and all the negative feelings associated with avoiding difficult situations and effort - you never feel the satisfaction and good feelings that follow. So you lose your motivation of knowing you'll feel good after trying. But worse, you also set up a sort of 'negative feedback loop', where every time you even begin to think about trying, you feel bad, and don't know about the good, so you pull even further away from trying... And you also never learn that failure doesn't feel as bad as you fear it will...

I don't know whether there's anything a parent can do about this. Though I do know that it helped my DS when I told him what my friend had said (all of that, above)... And not long after, he pushed on through and did something he'd been really afraid of doing...

Hi me again. Haven't heard from dd since Sunday. Her dad text me . She has told him a pack of lies and he believes her. He was violent and controlling so is loving that things are like this. What do I go?

What do you want to happen? Is she staying with her dad now? Would you be happy for her to stay there?

Maybe you should go for some counselling by yourself and try and sort your feelings out. I don't know if that helps.

She's not with her dad. I guess with friends. I have no numbers because they didn't transfer to my new phone . I feel numb and don't know what I want. How could she make up lies about me.

I don't know if my older two were troubled as such but they went through the horrors dealing with their father (exH) and things could really have gone either way. I feel sometimes that it was only the grace of god that kept DD1 and DS in the company of good friends who were very positive in their lives and away from other sources of comfort or distraction. I know there were times I didn't deal very adequately with it all so it wasn't down to my parenting that they turned out ok (still working on it of course).

I am at my wits end. Dd is manipulative. I think she's at her boyfriends. Should I contact his parents and tell them what's going on? ( theirs is the one number I do have) her dad told me she's depressed but she's fine as long as she gets her own way .

Thank you for replying Mary I feel so alone and out of my depth. I will call SS

I've found out where she is as per SS advice. Have text her but just got abuse back. I'll go to GP tomorrow. She is so angry with me.

She might not actually be angry with you, doin. My DS was actually angry with his dad and with school, but he took out all his anger on me, because I was the person who was there, and because he knew I was likely to keep loving him even if he was horrible to me.

It took over six months for DD to engage with CAMHS, even at the end (she is now discharged) she found it difficult to stay in a whole family session. It's not a quick fix by any means but they can eventually get results, rudeness and defensiveness doesn't phase them, they deal with it every day.
We are taking DD to see DS at uni this weekend, I veer between looking forwards to the family being together, but also a bit fearful in case it goes tits up , I think I need to try not to try too hard, if that makes sense.
It's awful that there are so many of us on this thread, but it's a relief to know that I'm not the only one to have more to worry about than uni applications and DofE etc. I've set the bar a little lower.
DD is still alive and she avoided getting a police record, I need to be happy with that.

It's good to know CAHMS persevered with your dd Brightspark1. Another appointment has been made for dd and she says she will go as long as she can take only her bf with her. Waiting to hear from them if that is ok. She is 18 in 6 months and sometimes I think I just have to get her there and then let her sort herself out - so tired of trying to be/do what she wants. I know it won't be a case of being able to just step away, but it gets me through the weeks to think like that.

Doinmummy - if SS know where your dd is and that she's ok, I'd spend this time really taking care of yourself.

Thanks to everyone for posting - it really helps to know there are others dealing with (and coming through) much more difficult situations than I am.

Am now in text contact with DD but she is saying that I am not allowed to say things that set her off. Which means I have to let her do whatever she wants basically. She cannot come home if she thinks this is how it is going to be. I wish the school was open to maybe have a chat with pastoral manager.

Doin your daughter sounds like my niece, who is here with us for three weeks, having dropped out of school, self-harmed, and broken off all contact with my brother, her father.

She is fine as long as nobody says anything 'that makes me angry'. She gets on well with me (probably thinks I am a pushover, tbh). I have tried to gently introduce the subject of her father and stepmother and whether any reconciliation can be attempted, but my efforts are rebutted. She refuses to see counsellors or psychiatrists, although her mother and father have tried to do this with her.

She is drifting, really. Although she still has plans to go back into education eventually, any talk of the future is met with a lack of interest. She lacks many social graces (I am sure your daughter does not have this particular issue, btw!) and that makes it hard for her to get along with people all the time (though she can be very kind to my daughter, who is two years younger).

My niece is essentially a nice girl so I am clinging to that for the time being. And to the fact that she is very intelligent and is still reading a lot. I just hope that a bit more maturity will make her see that my brother is not a bad person and she can still have a relationship with him. And that she needs to seize life by the horns and do something with herself.

For the moment we seem to be in a kind of limbo. But at least she is safe and, as far as I can tell, hasn't been self-harming while she's been here.

How can I have her back unless she agrees to boundaries?

Thank you Mary. I will phone SS again. I have never felt so helpless its so helpful to have you pointing me in the right direction.

Thank you x I'm treating myself to a horse ride later. Seems odd to do something like that in the middle of the turmoil but it's what I want to do! I will seek counselling . You are right about sorting myself out, I know I have issues with people pleasing which obviously affects how I deal with DD