MaryZ's support thread for parents of troubled teenagers

[MaryZcary]

I am starting this thread in the hope that it will become a safe space for those of us strugging with very challenging teenage behaviour.

I'm hoping that it will be a support thread, rather than descend as so many threads do into a "criticism of the parents". Those of us in this situation know that it is pretty much impossible to just "tell them to stop" or to "ground them", and taking away phones, money and gadgets leads to lying stealing and running away .

Sadly it seems cannabis is at the bottom of an awful lot of these children's problems, and I'm hoping we can talk about that here without having to defend ourselves against the "cannabis does no harm" brigade. So if anyone tries to turn it into an argument about whether cannabis is addictive or harmful, could you please just ignore them and hope they go away - or start another thread which I can hide where they can argue away happily.

Anyway, sign in if you are interested. I'll be back later.

I have such mixed feelings about the keeping quiet/not keeping quiet issue... On the one hand, I needed to talk and don't know how/if I would have coped if I hadn't had people - here and in RL - to tell. Also, I think breaking the taboo is good for struggling parents generally: since I started telling people what was going on, I have had several other parents 'disclose' the dreadful things that are going on in their lives too. Generally, we all keep quiet, and so we all think we are the only ones going through all this... It must be a good thing, surely, if parents know they are 'not alone' and their kids are not uniquely difficult?!

But on the other hand, if I am honest, I think I probably have damaged my DS's 'reputation' somewhat. :( Particularly, I made the mistake of telling a neighbour (one I have known for over 20 years) some things - and it seems she has gossiped to other neighbours. I had a truly horrible experience a couple of weeks ago, when another neighbour had an attempted break-in, and jumped to the conclusion that my son was involved. He told my DS to 'watch his back' and told me that 'everyone knew' my son had burgled our house, and other people's. In fact, he did sneak into someone's house last summer (a girl he had known for years but recently fallen out with) and took her phone, and that is the sum total of his 'burgling'. One appalling, stupid, criminal action has turned him into a renowned house-breaker, partly because I was so stressed out by it I didn't keep my mouth shut, and voiced my fears as well as the 'facts'... And people are always inclined to think "there's no smoke without fire".

I can't help feeling that many people think my DS is worse than he actually is, because I am relatively open about the problems we have had. With hind-sight, I think I would have been more careful to distinguish between 'friends' and 'acquaintances', and made sure I only told things to real friends.

But then again, that would maintain the taboo... :(

(P.S. I think all the judgy/naive parents are hanging out on the 'revolting bedroom' thread at the mo! )

And then again, my DS does the 'Jekyll/Hyde' thing too, so he is probably simultaneously both better and worse than everyone thinks!

No wonder my stress levels are often a bit high!

My life improved the day I stopped covering up for ds's behaviour and started admitting I couldn't cope.

Though there are still people who believe that there is nothing wrong with ds, I'm just a control freak. But I no longer count them as my friends.

Am I allowed in? I don't even come close to the issues that you are all having, I think our issues are just normal levels of pubity hitting, but bloody hell it's still hard.

I generally until a few weeks ago had a lovely 14YO DSS, quite immature and fairly late in developing, although we've noticed more spots, muscualr growth, voice deepening etc, and now he's just a nightmare (by our standards) back chat constantly, sneering at people, the whole you can't make me do what you want.

We have an amazing relationship with his mum and step dad and very luckily all sing from the same hymn sheet when it comes to discipline etc, but just feeling frustrated by the change in him, schools going downhill, homework is none exsistent or poorly done and an incident at a club he attends last night ended up making another member cry because four boys (inlcunding DSS) all started being nasty and took it well too far. He has realised this, but it always seems that when he's backed into a corner, "sorry" is an easy option, and if you tell him that you normally get sneered at with "well I've said Sorry, now what do you want me to do".

Anyway, sorry for the rant and can understand if you guys kick me out, but argh!!!!

No, no kicking out here, everyone is welcome, even if just to give us all a bit of balance and a sense of persepective. I think the teenage years are hard for everyone because they are such a shock.

I'm about to start moaning about ds2 who has "normal" teenage behaviour and is driving me slowly dotty.

I am giving myself lots of "pick your battles" and "stay emotionally detached" and "you can't control his actions, but you can control your reaction" lectures though .

Hmmm, I keep the "pick your battles" at the very front of my mind at the moment, and keep thinking he will come out the other side, I'm just hoping its a week and not 4 years :)

I don't get it, and I'm not a million miles away from my teens (well afew, but not as many as his dad) I'm sure I wasn't quite that vile. Oh well can't even crack the wine open as pregnant!!

I was just scanning these posts and realising, just like ratbag, that I am a very lucky mum of teenage ds15 and dd11. However, I was scanning because I do have some issues with my ds and was wondering whether to start a new thread in teens or to post here.

Ds is getting quite depressed. There's a bit of history; with a loving but difficult dad with (undiagnosed) AS so lots of roller-coaster emotional years, lots of anger and sense of disappointment from dad etc etc. Ds has had these dips before, during yr6 - yr9 at times. Got in with a great group of friends in Yr10 and what with GCSE choices, seemed to find his feet and confidence over the last 18 months or so. Also years in local scouting group has helped with friendships and confidence building and exta-curricular activities.

I don't think there's anything in particular that has happened or is bothering him, just a "what's the point to anything" sort of attitude and a complete disenchantment with life. He assures me he won't "do anything stupid" but does emphasise that he can't imagine things getting any better, and he is a very deep thinker.

I wouldn't waste everybody's time and post at all if I didn't think this was a little bit more than just a few casual words from him. It's not serious (yet) but I simply don't know what to do. Any ideas from your experience would be really welcome. I'd like to re-direct him before his low mood gets even more entrenched than it is. Thanks. ps, tell me if I should re-post elsewhere

You're more than welcome here mama, but you will probably get more attention and useful replies if you do start your own thread :)

maryz I hope your DS2 gets the support he needs following his diagnosis, ( and you!)
flow I know what you mean about the dilemma of who you disclose to and exactly what you say. I have been pleasantly surprised at the support I have got from unexpected places. That said, I can't bring myself to let it be known that DD was violent towards me, I know it's wrong, but I feel so ashamed about it. I fear people's judgement both of me and of DD. to the outside world she appears polite, kind and caring; at home it was a different story- Jekyll and Hyde again!
How are you all going to manage Christmas? I was looking forward to DD coming home but at the time gets nearer, I am feeling really apprehensive.

Hi garden, yes of course you are welcome, but I think we have frightened off a few parents of the more run-of-the-mill teenagers here, so you might get less scary advice if you start your own thread. But do feel free to come here and rant, that's why this thread is here

Having said that, my advice would be to take him to your gp. Have a chat with the gp first, then take him if he is willing to go. If he is depressed it is better to treat it before it takes over so much he becomes unwilling to accept treatment, which is what a lot of teens do. Also, have a look at moodgym which is a site set up for teenagers and is all about positive thinking and practising improving your mindset. If he is willing to talk about it, he might be willing to spend a few minutes a day on there.

Thanks Brightspark. But you know, you shouldn't be ashamed. You have done nothing wrong

Christmas will be fine for us. ds always behaves when my parents are around. Boxing day, now, might be another matter.

Hello All,
all quiet on the western front at the mo chez Doin . I have had a session with counsellor through work and already I feel better for looking after myself for once.

I wish you all a peaceful , stress free Christmas. Thank you for your support especially Maryz and Flow.

Hey, that's good Doin! :)

I am anxious about Christmas.

This time last year, DS had stolen my bank card and was on his way to blowing £800 on drugs and crap, but I hadn't discovered it yet :( He was having massive mood swings and violent/aggressive outbursts.

He is in a very different 'place' now, and swears he doesn't want to be "a dickhead like that" again... He has stopped taking m-cat, smokes less, and makes a reasonable effort to find cannabis that isn't skunk... And he hasn't stolen from me since Easter...

But I can't help worrying what temptations and opportunities he'll face this holiday, and whether he's going to give in to any of them...

Thank you all for your kind welcome. I will follow mary's advice and chat with gp, and maybe start a seperate thread. I know you all have bigger issues to attend to and I really hope you all have a peaceful and positive Christmas. Best festive wishes for 2013.

maryz thanks for your supportive kick up the arse, I know you're right, I shouldn't feel the way I do but it's difficult to think any different. doin you sound much more positive! I hope things carry on improving for you. Welcome mama, I find the 'what's the point' negative attitude really hard to deal with, there doesn't seem to be an answer to it, except keeping channels of communication open.
Just hope all of you have an event free Christmas and a better New Year

Christmas is an anxious time.

And for me, it is very difficult as ds1's birthday is near Christmas and he really hates his birthday (he is adopted, so it might be related to that).

This is the first year since he was 13 that he hasn't been psychotic/violent/arrested/suspended/expelled from school (pick any of those, or more than one) around the time of his birthday.

If it is stressful for us, it must be more so for our kids who are already stressed and unhappy [trying to be understanding emoticon].

But the best way to deal with it is the old mantra - detach, be unemotionally supportive, only stress about what is occurring, not what might happen.

And stick to the old "well, the worst might happen but it hasn't yet, so let's not worry about it until it does" mantra.

"And stick to the old "well, the worst might happen but it hasn't yet, so let's not worry about it until it does" mantra."

Amen to that but really difficult to do at times.

Best wishes for an uneventful for all of us.

Uneventful christmas

I hope you kicked yourself up the arse in a supportively hard way, Mary?!

"well, the worst might happen but it hasn't yet, so let's not worry about it until it does"

I need that tatooed onto my brain ! (Ds is off to an illegal rave to celebrate his 17th tonight with a pocket full of cash ) I am practising detachment, but am not very good at it yet...

I hope everyone has an uneventful and happy Christmas

This> "I hope everyone has an uneventful and happy Christmas".

I had a nice early Christmas prezzie last night: DS1 is off the police 'visit list'... This means we will no longer get a police visit automatically every time there is a burglary or other crime in the area, because they no longer suspect him of involvement in dodgy activity. :) It's an enormous relief.

Going thru same with my 14 year old daughter. Keep thinking it must be my fault, just taken her to her nans on the way she has thrown her mobile which she loves and smashed the rear view mirror. Verbal abuse throwing things banging her head when angry is this normal. If she does not get her own way or is told off this is the response, uncontrollable anger,verbal abuse. I was no angel as a teen but have we changed so much.

Exhausted. My 18 year old has broken me. I have 2 grown up boys & 3 grandchildren. My older boys have normal difficulties, which, of course I wish they didn't have, but I am out of my depth with S. i am an elderly single parent (58) & am too tired for this.
He is currently doing Unpaid Work - 150 hours - for stealing my car. He has borrowed money from Wonga. He lets boys into the house expressly against my wishes, so I am not in control of my own home (stuff gets damaged or stolen)
I had him arrested last week for being drunk and abusive.
He is not vile to me personally; but he lies, and drinks and takes drugs. I am about to move to a new house & don't want to take him because his bedroom is like a squat & I want to live in my new home & have a normal life.
I strongly suspect he is dyspraxic, & has trouble processing information (he has other indicators) but at the moment I don't care as I want to protect myself.
My parents live in the same small town & don't know any of this, & my sons don't know either as they have little babies, & my middle son is having a rotten time of his own.
He's just come in & gone straight upstairs. I assume he's drunk as he made such a racket, but I'm afraid of drink men. I hope he's asleep now.
My worst fears are that he'll:
A) die of drink or drugs
B) kill himself because he's so lost
C) end up in prison
I used to be a youth worker so perhaps I know too much
I also fear that
A) I'll die of a heart attack
B) get attacked by him
C) Get attacked by one of his mates
I know he's a lost boy, but I'm lost too

Dear people, I do not have a difficult teenager but I caused a fair bit of worry when I was one and I wanted to say what a brilliant thread (I've read a lot of it but not everything).

I hope you won't mind me mentioning Alanon Family Groups as things have been said about alcohol and cannabis use. The way the 12 step for family members approach works might be worth a look. I particularly remember the idea that "their behaviour reflects on them, my behaviour reflects on me" whether about a drinking alcoholic or any other member of the family whose behaviour is unacceptable.

I'm just off to bed, so can't type much but didn't want to ignore you.

You aren't broken. You are bruised, but you will bounce back.

Your fears are valid. But (and this is a big but) there is little you can do, so stop worrying until they happen. This is the lesson I have spent years learning. Me lying awake at night and making myself ill won't stop ds dying or killing someone or ending up in prison.

You need to prioritise yourself. If he attacks you (or if is mates do), the police will help, so stop worrying about that too.

You won't die of a heart attack - though I also remember wishing I could die so I didn't have to wake up tomorrow .

I have come a long way. In a few years time you will also have come a long way.

I'll be back tomorrow. Stick around. Be nice to yourself. Distance yourself emotionally. Ignore as much as you can.

And do try to talk about it in real life. Who are you defending by keeping it all a secret? You or him? Just think about it. Talking helps, really it does.

Chin up. Talk tomorrow [hsmile].

Tore, does he know you are moving? Have you told him you do not want him to move with you, or have you told him he is NOT moving with you? There is quite a difference.