DD16

[Hedwig06]

Hello x

I have 4DC 2 DD & 2 DS.

My DD16 is the eldest. She is extremely bright and is currently studying for 5 A-levels.

My problem is she is very antisocial. She has never really gone out and about. She has been invited but can't be bothered and makes some excuse up at the last minute not to go. As a consequence she doesn't really get asked much anymore.

But she does become attached to various groups. Last year it was a group of 5 boys. She was texting all the time late into the night. This stopped after the boys all started to "fancy" her and there was fighting between the group. And in particular one boy became a bit too attached turning up at the house uninvited and ringing the house phone all the Time.

Fast forward to 6th form. We sat DD down explained that we wanted her to try and form some friends paeticularly girls as she's never had that, but no we are back to the same old routine. Texting a couple of boys who are best friends going round every night to study. Telling silly lies to get to go round when we say no.

She's currently upstairs sulking after telling me lies that one boys mums had asked her to go for a meal with her, her son and his best friend. When I checked it was the three of them who had organised it and his mum didn't know anything about it. So I said she couldn't go.

Add to this that she never involves herself in family life just appearing at meals times to moan about what I've cooked and never doing a stoke to help doesn't make her very pleasant to live with at the moment.

Does anyone have any advise please I'm very down about it today

Not much advice but I do have a 16 year old DS, also very bright and just started 6th form. One thing about doing A levels is that at last he is free to specialise and be geeky. He has met one or two new people who he has more in common with than his old school friends.
It's early days but could it be that your DD never fitted in with the girls at her old school because she didn't have much in common with them? What subjects is she doing? I there some reason you don't want her to be friends with these boys? DS1's best friend is a girl (albeit a very science mad girl).

When I was that age, I hated other girls my age. There was far to much bitching, in-fighting and general nastiness.

My best friends were boys. There was a group of about 7 of us.

Even when I did make a couple of female friends, I still retained the male friends; and now I would say that I have more male friends than female.

Have you asked her about her friends, and possibly set group rules for the visits and texting?

Secret: thanks for replying she has stayed on at her school to carry on into 6th form. She's doing - maths, physics, chemistry & double ICT. .

All she does is hang around with boys, she makes no effort to get to know the girls and seems to like being the boys centre of attention. It doesn't seem to bother her that the girls don't like this and gossip about her, but we have other children in the school and they hear all this and get upset.

Usual: I'm worried as she seems to enjoy the attention much like a tease and doesn't even care what people think and tells lies about silly things so we aren't sure we can trust her.
If it was A boy, who she was best friends with and she had a wider social group as well we wouldn't be so worried.

Carpe: I agree with your comments on girls that's what she has put up with most of her school life, she's very attractive (biased). Very small, so in consequence the boys who are her friends seem to be protective of her, which puts the girls backs up even more.

What rules would you suggest?

Thanks everyone x

Probably off the mark, but could you encourage her to go to a mixed-gender froup activity such as Duke of Edinburgh?
My DD did her expedition with 2 boys and 2 other girls - plenty of scope for sciency stuff - they have to choose an aim for their expedition eg studying the river, vegetation etc and plan the expedition very carefully in their group over several sessions.
Great for her personal statement too.

DD1 used to get in with boys better than girls although she did have a couple of girl friends. I would just let her be herself and not insist she makes friends with the girls. Also not joining in with family stuff is a normal teenage thing.

If she's doing maths, physics, chem and double ICT are there even many girls in her peer group with whom she could socialise?

She may not really enjoy being the boys' centre of attention. There just may not be very much competition for boys' attention in her classes, and the boys if they are maths, chem and physics nerds students in the main may not feel up to approaching other girls. They may at the same time be quite pushy when it comes to girls they feel are approachable though (you have already seen this in the case of the boy who got a bit obsessed). This may be a bit of a generalisation about maths types but my memory of the honours maths types when I went to school (Irish Leaving Cert) was that they seemed to pair off a bit, making one wag say one day, "There really is someone for everyone, isn't there?"

It may also be that the sort of drama she encounters with boys is easier to deal with than the kind girls dish out.

I like the D of E idea. I think getting involved in some sort of charity volunteering might be a good idea too -- teens can get very wrapped up in themselves and the drama of their lives and seeing others who have a bleak existence can be a welcome encounter with reality