Help desperately needed.........

[Jatzo22]

Hi, I am a single parent with a 13 yr old son and also a 9 yr old daughter. For the past six months my son's behaviour has been very hard to handle. He is frequently rude and swears at me, he calls his younger sister awful names. The last time he was rude I told him he was grounded to which he replied "screw you, I'm moving to Nanna's" and off he went. This was three weeks ago and he refuses to speak to me. I have tried to make contact with him to let him know that I want him home but the only time he has replied to me is to ask for his clothes (which I have refused to hand over).

Now, me and my Mother do not get on AT ALL and there is absolutely no way that she will encourage my son to return home, just to spite me. In fact I would go as far to say that she would enjoy him being there just knowing that it upsets me. Therefore there is no way I will receive any cooperation from her at all in aiding my son's return home.

His Father has also tried to speak with him with no success.

I am desperate for my son to come home but feel I'm completely powerless. Has anybody else been in a similar situation?

Thanks x

Is he attending school? Is your mother ensuring he's turning up at her home on time, doing homework etc? Is your mum likely to be setting ground rules for behaviour etc?

If she's doing this then I would call his bluff. Tell him (and your mum) that it's a great idea and let your ds get his clothes. Tell him you love him, would like to see him regularly but that you think a break from each other would help you both. I bet you he'll get bored of life with grandma very quickly if it's not forbidden fruit.

Yes he is attending school, although his behaviour there isn't great either (as has been for the past 6 months).

I would prefer him to come though I think you're right and that he will come back in his own time (probably when he wants a school trip to be paid for to be honest!!).

Thanks

Oh no, if he's living at his grans then she pays for the school trips. She may get bored of having him very quickly too.

Seriously, I'd have a word with school and ask for a meeting with them and your mum to discuss and 'formalise' the new living arrangements. That way school can agree the rules with your mum about homework etc and get back to her if ds doesn't do what he needs. If she's the one nagging him he wont see her as the soft option.

What happened six months ago that could have kick-started this behaviour?

It sounds an awful situation and I feel for you.
All I can suggest is to make sure at all costs you try to keep the communication channels open with your DS in a firm yet non-judgemental way - probably easier said than done. Also look out for your 9yr old at the mo (I'm sure you are already) as she's probably feeling a bit in need of extra stability right now.

Hoping this is resolved all round soon.

Thank you both! I feel his behaviour stems from his relationships with people at school, especially a girlfriend. It seems that he wants to stand out as a 'hard boy' within the group and it's evident from facebook that his friends find his attitude towards teachers very comical. I have left him a message to let him know that he is always welcome back home and hopefully he will come round soon!

So sorry to hear you are having a terrible time with your son, my DS turned into a child I didn't recognise at 13 - constantly in trouble at a very strict school to the point she was suspended for a week and I had to beg for her place back in school. She spent a lot of time on MSN chat at that point and I discovered the most horrendous conversations on there. I was a single mom with a younger child and life at that point was horrendous. After lots of upset, grounding her, removing computer but replacing it with activities out of the house (sport mainly) she seemed to come out of these awful moods and terrible behaviour and gradually came back to the daughter I adored. She is now 18, achieved fantastic grades at school and is at uni having the time of her life. I truly believe sport and the outlet it gave her to release pent up energy and aggression on a sports field was the turning point and so my son who is now the same age as your son has been involved in judo since he was 10 and I have had none of the trouble with him as I had with DS. Hope you find something that may help you and your son and I promise you it does pass.

I think making this arrangement "formal" at this stage is too soon. I think he will see it as you being glad he's gone.

Just keep telling him you want him to come home. That you want to chat with him about how you can live together and for it to be nice for all of you. Maybe get his sister to send him a card saying she misses him too.