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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenagers bf/gf sleeping over?

23 replies

idobelieveinfairies · 21/10/2012 11:21

Do you let your teenagers (17/18 yrs) bf/gf's sleepover?

My parents never let mine sleepover at that age, dp's parents let me sleepover at his, so I guess there are different views on the subject!

What are the rules in your house?

Is quite bizarre but even though I slept at Dp's house he doesn't like the idea if it here, but I think I'm ok with it.

The dc think he's a bit mad with his views, are they old fashioned now?

Would love some views before we make a ruling in the matter!!!

OP posts:

imperialstateknickers · 21/10/2012 11:26

Nothing practical to add, haven't had this bridge to cross yet. Except that when we were teenagers, a lot of boys parents let their son's g/f sleep over in their room, but virtually no girl's parents let the b/f sleep in their dds room, and we all accepted that as the status quo.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 21/10/2012 11:30

My dd has slept over at bf's house. like ISK says, but he hasn't here yet. he has stayed with us in holiday accomodation and they have slept in the living room tother (on sofas) though.

The occasion hasn't arisen yet for him to sleep here, but I reckon if there is a good reason for it the answer would be yes.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 21/10/2012 11:30

*together

chocolatespiders · 21/10/2012 11:32

My dd is 15 so not there yet...

What is the concern is it the sexual relationship between them if so they can do that at any time not just middle of the night.

I am of the thinking that if they are going to do anything they will do it anyway whether they are together in a room at 1pm or 1am and I would rather that than some hideous secret place..

This may come from that the fact that my parents were so anti my boyfriend at 16 and I ended up moving out at 16 and never went back.. Went on to have DD with him after being together 5 years but when DD was 1 we split and he has not seen her since (but that's another story)

DameEnidsOrange · 21/10/2012 11:33

I've a while to go til we get to that age, but I'd like to think I would be ok with a long term bf/gf staying over.

Like other have said, it seemed the norm that parents of boys would be ok with it, parents of girls not so. DH was allowed to have girls stay over, but I was not.

I think DH will be ok with DS having girls over but I think he will be very unhappy with DD having a boy stay over

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 21/10/2012 11:38

oooh, Dame, you want to discuss that with your H, some blatant sexism going on there

my H knows DD is having a sexual relationship and he does that "lalala, don't tell me I don't want to hear" thing (lightheartedly) but he does acknowledge that what is good for the goose...

chocoluvva · 21/10/2012 14:27

My DD (16) has stayed over at her BFs and he's stayed over here a couple of times, he's 18. I'm not at all sure that it was a wise decision.
I hate it when BF stays over.
Oddly, I was the one who thought it shouldn't be too much of a big deal - I don't think having sex with a long term GF/BF at that age is immoral and I didn't think that not letting DD and BF stay over was worth the effect on our relationship with DD, but I really hate it.

chocoluvva · 21/10/2012 14:29

Posted too soon, whereas DH doesn't seem to mind now!!!

flow4 · 21/10/2012 16:06

choco, why do you hate it? I'm not implying that you shouldn't, but I'm genuinely interested... When I was 16/17/18 my mum also really hated my boyfriend staying over, and I never understood it, and thought she was being unreasonable. As I have got older and had kids of my own, I have of course realised she will have had her reasons for most things , but I have never understood that one, so maybe you can help? :)

OP, I'd positively welcome a girlfriend if DS ever brought one home, because I'm pretty sure any girl would be a good influence! My rule about friends staying overnight (boys too) is that they must at least have had a conversation with me, over a cup of tea or a meal, because I don't want to feel I have 'strangers' in my house.

happygolucky0 · 21/10/2012 16:39

I think (though I am not there yet!!!) That at that age it would be ok with me. as long as it is a long ish term relationship.
I don't know what to do as Ds has asked to sleep over his girlfriends in a couple of weeks time as it is her Birthday. In differant bedrooms!! It seems harmless but I dont like to put temptation there if you know what I mean.

happygolucky0 · 21/10/2012 16:43

ah forgot to add that by then he will be 15!

SilverThreads · 21/10/2012 16:47

DD is 20 and has been allowed to have her longterm boyfriend stay over since she was 16. The first time he stayed, it was on an airbed in the lounge but we then found that she was staying in his room when she stayed over at his house. I talked about it with DH and we both agreed we were stopping nothing by making them sleep apart. The first time he stayed was a bit awkward for everyone but we all soon got over it.

DS is 17 and has been with his girlfriend for 2 years. We have said that we are happy for her to stay over if she wants to, but her parents are not happy with it so that is fair enough.

Viperidae · 21/10/2012 16:57

DS never had a long term girlfriend before uni so it never arose but DD asked if her BF could stay when she was 17. They had been going out over 6 months and she had already stayed at his so we allowed it.

I think if it is a steady relationship and they are respectful of the rest of the family it can be fine. You have to be happy with it yourself though.

Bigwuss · 21/10/2012 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strictlovingmum · 21/10/2012 17:39

Perfectly OK with us, DS 17 and his DG 17 they have been together for 6 months, she regularly stays with us for the weekend(she is a lovely girl) and DS stays over at her's, us parents know each other, so I don't have a problem with it at all.
I know they are sexually active and they are the first to each other so in that respect, I rather they are "together" in a safe environment then doing it elsewhere, but I understand if my view/stance maybe little too liberal for some.
Worth adding, transition was gentle and not sudden and as I say it does help, we really like the girl, she is lovely and DS is very lucky, but he is lovely too.
They are smart, beautiful young couple and I would feel rotten if I was to cloud their relationship with my narrow and prudish views, so I don't.

ohthedandy · 21/10/2012 22:24

What I need to know is if I should check with the other parents. DD and her bf have been together over a year and are both 17. He has stayed occasionally (in a spare room), but dd has asked if he can share her room. I have no problem with this, but have a strong suspicion his mum would not be happy about it.

I don't feel comfortable going against what I think would be her wishes, but I also feel like his private life isn't something I should be discussing!! Just burying my head in the sand at the moment and hoping dd won't ask again (in vain I guess!)

StaceeJaxx · 21/10/2012 22:38

DH finally agreed to letting DSD's boyfriend stay over when she was 18 after them being together for nearly a year at that point. She stayed at his house all the time from the beginning though although he's 2 years older than her. She's 20 now and he's like part of the furniture. I do think they should be in a long term relationship for them to stay over at that age though and not just a random one night stand.

GroupieGirl · 21/10/2012 22:45

For me it depends in part on whether there are younger siblings who may be confused by a parade of more than one partner spending nights. At least that was always my mum's excuse.

GroupieGirl · 21/10/2012 22:47

NB: my daughter has agreed no boyfriends before the age of 21. (She's two).

achernikov · 21/10/2012 22:49

My DS is 15 but I do let his gf stay over. They've been together just over a year and we started to let her stay this summer. She has his room and he goes on the sofa. That's how they are when I get up anyway! I know they might be moving rooms and having sex but me, DH, and her Mum all agree that if they want to do it, they'll find a way and we'd rather them do it here than sneak off and end up somewhere dodgy!

LeChatRouge · 21/10/2012 23:03

My boys are 20, 18 and 18 and are all allowed their girlfriends to stay in their rooms.

The rules are:
I have to know them, have shared a meal, had a chat etc like flow4 said, they can't bring randoms back, they have to be in some sort of relationship or at least intend to be
The girls parents are ok with it, no lying about staying with their mates when they are really shagging here (obviously an amount of trust with this one)
Absolutely NO compromise about contraception. There are ample amounts of condoms in their bedside drawers and we have a good open relationship, they literally tell me everything.

It really is interesting see the girls they choose, their personalities, how they interact with my sons, how they talk to me, how shy (or not) they are....

Two of them have had the same girlfriends for nearly two years now, the other likes to chop and change, it can be a challenge when you aren't quite sure if you like her or not.......

Bromptonaut · 22/10/2012 23:36

DD, now 19, has been with same lad since 13, he's 18 months older. His Mum's DP's oldest friend so they'd been familiar and in and out of bedrooms and baths together as toddlers. As we knew his parents well we had and took opportunity to discuss the 'situation'.

Advice was proffered and pill organised after she was 15. Made very clear however that, while one thing might lead to another and we were not judgemental, sex pre her age of consent was not approved.

Post her 16th they were allowed to share a room in either house. Both quite happy for either M&D to bring them tea together in morning.

If relationship does not endure then it's been made clear that 'numero due' is welcome to stay provided we've met and broken bread on a previous occasion.

I'm not willing to meet strangers on my own landing!!

Same rules for DS.

Original poster

idobelieveinfairies · 23/10/2012 18:41

Thanks for all your replies!!!! It's always handy to get other people's opinions in these things!!!

Will definitely be checking her mum knows she is staying here. I live in town and ds girlfriend lives in the country so a night out prices to be expensive with huge taxi fares.

Thanks again!

OP posts:

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