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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Help - Should I Read Teenagers Diary

16 replies

canireally · 02/10/2012 11:31

My ex-husband recently found a letter written by my 15yr old, where she was ranting and complaining about him. She has a tenuous relationship with his new wife so he decided to speak to me about it. Should I tell her he has found this letter? Should I even get involved or leave it to him to speak to her? Should we forget we have read it and deal with her concerns in other ways?

OP posts:
needanswers · 02/10/2012 11:33

do not read her diary, how absolutely invasive.

Numberlock · 02/10/2012 11:34

Could you give us more details on the relationship with her dad's new wife? Was the letter just letting off steam or were there any causes for concern?
How did he find the letter, eg had she left it out to be discovered or did he go on a bag/drawer etc without her knowing?

Sorry for all the questions but I need a little bit more information before answering.

Numberlock · 02/10/2012 11:35

Sorry just re-read title. No way should you read the diary, irrespective of what's gone on with the letter.

Original poster
canireally · 02/10/2012 13:39

It was a note he found when cleaning out her room, so guessing he wasn't meant to find it. She stays at his house for a couple of days a week, but recently she has found ways to stay at mine....probably because we live nearer to her friends!!!
No obvious concerns came out of the letter and to me, it sounded like she was just letting off a bit of steam. Moaning that he doesn't appreciate her, moans at her too much, expects too much of her with her school etc. It has really upset him, but he does tend to tread on eggshells around her and I think she plays on this a bit.
I've been thinking a lot since I posted and I think we shouldn't mention the letter, but take what she has said in it on board. I will have a chat with her tonight and try and get her to talk to me. Maybe I will suggest she gets a diary with a lock!
What do you think Numberlock? Do you think this is just a normal teenage strop?

OP posts:
Original poster
canireally · 02/10/2012 13:41

Sorry..the title of the thread is mis-leading. Had it been her diary, I would not even think about reading it. This was a note

OP posts:
Nagoo · 02/10/2012 13:42

I used to write very bad things about my SM when I was 15.

It wouldn't have helped anyone if they had read them. Leave your DD alone.

needanswers · 02/10/2012 14:05

I did this to my dad when I was a teen - it meant nothing.

chocoluvva · 02/10/2012 14:39

My 15YO DD writes notes about things like this too. (I know as I've found them in her bin :( ).
I think she does it as a way of letting off steam.
Teenage girls have a tendency to be drama queens :)

TakingTheStairs · 02/10/2012 14:42

Do not read her diary.
My Mum read mine and I was so crushed by the betrayal of trust that I have never ever trusted her since.

Teenager write things down to vent them. They don't always mean it the way it's written and with the same intensity an adult would.
I would tell your Ex to leave it if he can.
It will destroy their relationship

Ponders · 02/10/2012 14:50

She stays at his house for a couple of days a week, but recently she has found ways to stay at mine....

Do you think he is unduly harsh on her sometimes? You could maybe use this as a starting point for a bit of very gentle probing - if you think she would tell you if she was really angry with him?

If not, I agree with the consensus, just leave it

(I am confused by the letter/diary thing btw)

Original poster
canireally · 02/10/2012 15:07

Thank you all for your replies. This is the first time I have used this site....very helpful to find other peoples opinion.

OP posts:
Numberlock · 02/10/2012 15:12

What are the issues with her dad's new wife, canireally?

Original poster
canireally · 02/10/2012 15:33

From what her dad says, I think they get on ok but his new wife leaves all the discipline etc to him such as nagging to tidy room etc (I must point out here that my daughter is a lovely, polite child....who I think is just is in the midst of hormones, GCSE etc...I have absolutely no trouble with her at all). Not sure what the short hand is...DD(?) has never complained to me about her...I get the impression that they rumble along fairly easily, but its a relatively new relationship so its hard to say.
The issue is that my ex doesn't like to talk to his wife about problems with my DD as he feels she will be too judgemental (and be cross with DD). He is protecting our DD, but sometimes I think you have to face things head on as a family...dysfunctional or not.

OP posts:
Numberlock · 03/10/2012 14:26

Your daughter sounds great, canireally, I don't think there is any cause for concern with the letter you found.

However, perhaps her dad could have a think whether there is any truth in what she has written and if their relationship could be improved in any way:

he doesn't appreciate her, moans at her too much, expects too much of her with her school etc. It has really upset him, but he does tend to tread on eggshells around her and I think she plays on this a bit

I don't think he should mention the letter but he could use it as a cue to start to improve their relationship. Does he spend much time with her daughter on her own or is the wife always there too, for example? Perhaps your daughter is feeling a little pushed out at the moment.

sieglinde · 03/10/2012 16:10

DO NOT read her diary or letters. My mother did this, and I really never forgave her. (She also caused herself some needless pain; I loved her (she died two years ago), but I vented there, as teens do.) I'd also suggest you might ask her for her view on how things stand with your ex. If she doesn't want to discuss, let it go.

sashh · 04/10/2012 08:46

I thought someone was reading my diary as a teenager - so I wrote a lot of things about how much I hated the person I thought was reading it.

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