Taking in a 16 year old girl (DH's cousin) who is moving from the USA and who we have never met before. HELP!

[bluebellsanddaffodils]

I can't believe I've typed this title, it sounds utterly insane, but somehow it's starting to seem like the right thing to do.

DH's aunt (along with her husband and two DDs) moved to the USA 13 years ago and ended up staying illegally. The girls have grown up, the eldest is early twenties with two kids but can't go to college or work without a social security number. It's not a good, productive or happy life for her. The younger DD2 (16 years) is part way through high school and doesn't want to end up like her sister, finishing school and having no future.

Her half brother, here in England has offered her a home if she wanted to move home and do her GCSEs and start a new life, while her parents and sister scrape and save enough for passports and airfare back to England for them all to start over. The family saved for her passport which arrived last week, and under the impression that she had a new life lined up and ready to go, we paid her airfare so that she could start school ASAP, as it's already nearly the end of Sept.

It now emerges that the DD2's half brother has been in touch with the family and said that they haven't actually sorted a school place yet, they won't be able to help her financially, they work 60 hrs a week each so won't be able to help her study/spend time with her and she'll have to walk everywhere as they'll be out with the cars. They also are really tight for cash and can't help with allowance - not even toiletries. She's expected to get a weekend job immediately and fund anything that's not rent & food.

She is 16, is leaving her family not knowing when she'll see them again, she hasn't been in the UK since she was 3, she has no friends, and I think it'll be really hard for her to balance a new education system, a new school, being behind with study AND work at weekends. I also think it'll be really hard for her to find a job.

I can't believe the adults taking care of her allowed this situation to develop. Perhaps her half-brother didn't think this would actually happen, and he made empty promises?

Either way, even though her parents and half-bro have been terribly foolish, at the end of this is a scared teenage girl with no friends, no money and a lot of work ahead of her. I have never met her, and neither has my DH but we're seriously considering taking her in until her family can get back to the UK.

ARE WE MAD??

I have two DSs (22 mths and 12 weeks) and my husband works away a lot. We have a healthy household income and a spare bedroom. We have good local schools and good transport links into 3 cities. From the online contact we've had for a few years she seems a good kid, really into her sports, very popular, hard-working.

HOWEVER, I am worried that I don't know how to deal with a teenager, particularly one who isn't mine. I.e. what if she moved here, fell in with a bad crowd and started skipping school/breaking curfew?

Basically, I think what I'm asking is....if you were going to take in a teenager who was far away from her parents (a good kid, polite, will probably find it terribly hard to adjust, but hopefully not too hard to make friends) and help them improve their life and prospects......what rules/conditions would you put in place? And would you also expect them to contribute to chores - and to what extent?

I know this is a strange situation and you will probably have more questions for me.... but I need to start seeking advice from somewhere, and where better than mumsnet?

I don't even know what I'll do about school, if we decide to take her in. Can I call a local school and explain the situation and expect them to take a student 5 weeks into an academic year?

My mind is boggling at the amount of admin this may require....
thanks for listening.

You sound like the most grown up one in this whole situation. Well done for taking decisive action and not letting the bad situation drag on.

Its great you are willing to home tutor her. I guess she should get a little job that gets her out and gives her some spending money, if she can't go straight into education. It's probably good if you are not her only anchor.

I hope it works out for you - it sounds like you are doing a good thing

Oh well done. Are you sure you have thought this through?

I don't think she'll be eligible for any benefits or financial support at the moment.(Presumably at least for 6 months as per the education.) If she's not in education and over 16 then she wouldn't be eligible for child benefit etc even if she was your daughter.

I would get some legal advice or go to CAB urgently and find out how to get some kind of guardianship/ legal responsibility for her as she is an unaccompanied minor. (Who is responsible if she god forbid has an accident and needs consent for medical treatment?).

Discuss with her how on earth she intends to spend her time with you before she starts college. She'll be bored out of her mind. A bored and unhappy teenager is not a goood thing to have mooching round the house. Can she get a job? Help you with babysitting? Volunteer?

From the sounds of it her background may not have been too settled so she may benefit from really clear house rules, expectations and explanations of the most blindingly obvious things (how we wash up, make a cup of tea, change bedclothes.)

Update us when you can!

I think you need to double check whether she is eligible for schooling as I think she would be eligible as she has a UK passport. You should contact UKCISA The UK Council for International Student Affairs. I read it that your DH's cousin would be applying for further education at a Collage of Further Education (ie school or 6th Form College etc) with a UK passport which makes her eligible for 'home fee status'. Home fee status = free!
If you open the link I have given above the relevant part is towards the bottom of the document under the section headed
Students on courses of further education (FE) and, in Northern Ireland, courses of higher education at an FE college.
And in the paragraph headed
Study in 2011/12 in England only (for people who are 16-18 years old)

She is possibly too late to start A'level's although it may be possible if she is bright and very determined. Alternatively, she could at least start some fast track GCSE's which she could complete this year.
I don't know if what I have suggested is correct but it would be worth double checking what you have been told.

It's pretty easy for a 16/17 year old to get a job in a shop - it's a good time to look now as many will be wanting to take on extra staff for the run up to Christmas so if she looks keen she'll make a good impression and they might want to keep her on longer. Minimum wage for under 18s is dire but it will give her some spending money and she can contribute a little towards bills then etc if you want her to.

Or you could leave job hunting until after the Christmas rush, because she'll probably be expected to work a lot of hours over that period and retail jobs aren't that hard to find any time of the year. Plus she'll be more familiar with public transport, British money etc and things like clothing sizes or legalities over age restrictions etc (depending on the kind of shop!) by then.

Volunteering could be good, if she likes sports she might be able to help out at a children's sports club or scouts/brownies or something like that perhaps?

I think you need to find some way of getting her meeting people her own age, otherwise she's going to find it all very hard and isolating. You could google youth clubs and sport groups. (Plus side here as well is that kids who are seriously into their sport tend to be less likely to be into stuff like drinking and drugs etc)

For clothes I'd try Primark, supermarkets and H&M. H&M are good quality for the price, their stuff wears well.

If she did some gcse's this year then she could do A'level's for the following two years after which she would have just been resident in the UK for the three years required to be eligible for being eligible for 'home Fee Status' for University. ( or at least those whose courses start after the date she arrived in the UK)

If she doesn't have an entry stamp in her passport you may want to get proof of the day she arrived in the Uk. Maybe a copy of her flight details?? If this all works out and she does want to go to University in three years time the Universities will send her forms to confirm whether she is eligible for 'home fee status' so you might as well keep this information to hand.

What area are u from?

How lovely of you OP.

I don't have a lot of practical advice - others have posted some really useful information, though - but this could work really well for your family. She will be able to help you with the little ones, particularly while your husband is away. And she will be like a young, fun, aunty to them.

I am sure you will all benefit from the situation.

Good luck!

OP you sound really kind to do this.

There will be a few things to get sorted, but a few phone calls will getyou on your way.

As other posters have said, it could turn out even better - with teenage babysitter on hand :) And it is only likely to be for a couple of years or so until she gets some qualifications.

Good luck OP - I hope you find that your new family member brings as much to you, as you're giving to her.

If the plan is still that she going to stay with her half brother, but you feel the arrangement will break down, what you could do is have her to stay for weekends to begin with and in that way get to know her before you commit to having her full time. If you end up having her fullltime make sure that you set out clear guidelines that you are comfortable with because otherwise there will come a time when you will feel very resentful especially as you have very small dc to look after as well. I would also consider asking her to help you out in the same wqay that an au pair wold (although obviously not the same hours as she will be going to school/college). You may find that it is an excellent arrangement because you'll have a ready made baby sitter. What you don't want is a stroppy teenager who treats your house like a hotel. She will probably be very homesick so needs emotional and practical support

Thanks for all of the advice.

I'm shitting myself now. Oh gawd, what have I committed us to?!

What if her folks never turn up???

Well, just have to get on with it now. Poor kid. Just have to focus. Keep focused

Wish my husband wasn't leaving for a month the day after she arrives wobble

If she has a British passport then she is British and therefore entitled to an education. Time is of the essence now at her age. Yes, you are entitled to child benefit as she will be in FTE and under 18.

Honestly, unless she is a complete nightmare I don't think you'll regret this. She could be a huge help with the dcs while your Dh is away - and this time will give you a chance to get to know each other. Dunno why but I have a good feeling about this. Give it a whirl. :)

At my DS's 6th form college they have a handful of students that come from overseas. While they are in the UK they stay with local host families. My friend had a boy from hong Kong stay with her and her family and it all went real well as do most of the placements. Admittadly, this isn't quite the same situation that you are in but it shows that it can be ok to have an unknown teenager in your house. Maybe there is a 6th Form College in your area that has experience in foreign students.

Really not real. ( I sound American )

SecondhandRose, thanks for that - will still look into it ASAP just to make sure as I would hate her to miss out if we were misinformed.

My husband is going to sort her a phone today on a cheap contract.

I'm feeling quite nervous about it - not so much on the practical side now, but more about the length of time this could turn into. She said she wants to sort herself out with independent living when she turns 18, which is something positive.... but I know it will be really hard. Will she end up always relying on us to bail her out? I know there is no way of really knowing, but that's what I am nervous about this morning.

She'll also need a bank account - I wonder how easy/hard that will be..

Also in the spare room at the moment is a single bed and a small chest of drawers and that's it. DH is going to but a blind on the window today but what else would make it nice without breaking the bank? Bedside table, lamp and maybe some empty picture frames for her to fill? Do you think that's enough?

She's been wearing pretty much all the clothes she bought since she arrived, she says she's freezing here. I suppose a hot water bottle might be a good buy, to go with the fleecy dressing gown I got at Tesco (£14, which i thought was quite good!) Suggestions welcome, thanks again everyone

Would there be room for a desk in the spare room? She might need somewhere to study, and it's also good to put any bits of 'stuff' she has to remind her of home, her friends, family etc.

I'd get in touch with Social Services for some support. Essentially you are fostering her,mand she could benefit from a young person's social worker to support her with a lot of this practical stuff. It may help her A LOT to be officially in the care of the local authority (this is quite possibly a legal requirement anyway), as she will get extra financial help, extra priority in terms of educational placements, and possibly access to grants. I could be wrong, as I don't work for SS, but if you are able to speak to them about fostering, you may be entitled to financial help too.

I have been following this with interest. A friend does private fostering of 16+ year olds and currently has two boys with her. she has found connexions really helpful. Definitely get in touch with SS as they can be very helpful in these sorts of situations but i still think this would be a private fostering as you have not been officially cleared.

good luck to you - i think you are doing a lovley thing, you could really turn her life around and change her future!

Is there a clothes rail in that bedroom or space for one on the landing? They are relatively cheap but means she can at least hang her clothes neatly. If she's feeling the cold, perhaps an extra blanket for her bed she can snuggle under if she doesn't want to wrap up in her whole duvet.

Sainsburys are really good for clothes (seem to be better quality than Tescos) and they have a 25% off their clothes this weekend. Might be worth hitting for basics at least. (buy her some thermal underwear!).

I'm not sure about the financial situtation but I agree you should get in touch with social services - they should be at least able to guide you.

Get her registered with a dentist and GP as soon as you can. Particularly if as a family they haven't had much money she might need dental work, it's very expensive for people without insurance in the States (and if they've been working illegally, they probably won't have insurance).

I agree she could get a job, and at the run up to Christmas, particularly if she's prepared to do late shifts, most shops will be hiring.

For chores, you could draw up a list of everything that needs doing for each day (like emptying/reloading the dishwasher, hoovering, cleaning the bathroom etc), family rule, she picks at least on chore each day, she can pick which ever one she likes.

Make sure she knows how everything in the house works (washing machine, heating etc), and if likely she'll be alone in the house, where thing like the fuse box are.

I'd also explain she can't call internationally on her mobile unless it's an emergancy, and put a weekly time limit on international calls that go via the house phone (you don't want any scary bills), but if you can set up skype for chats with her parents/friends that would be good.

Good luck, you sound lovely!

There is loads of good advice on this thread.

I have taken in various kids over the years.

The main thing is making her welcome, talking to her - communication is vital - and letting her know you are there for advice and help.

The culture shock will be huge, and she will be feeling lost, scared and missing her family.

You are doing a really good thing.

Op, good for you!

You are doing something amazing to help this young woman,

Please keep us all informed on how you all get on,

Good luck and best wishes