Help I can't cope anymore

[lesleybeer]

My 17 daughter has been diagnosed with anxiety, low self esteem and depression after I found out she was self harming and took her to the doctors for help. She is having cbt therapy and is on anti depressants. But i spend every day with her telling me it is all my fault and that her therapist says I should be the one in thearapy. She has no respect for me, swears at me, tells me to get out of her face etc etc I am at my wits end after year of this. I am trying to be understanding and help her but it is taking its toll on our relationship obviously but also my relationship with my partner and also it effects her sister

That sounds very stressful. lesley. :( It can hit families hard when one person has depression (or any mental health problem). Are you getting any support yourself?

no I am not

Sorry to hear that. It sounds like you need it. I know it helped me a lot when I was going through some of the same things with DS. Perhaps you can ask your GP to refer you for counselling? Or this website might help: www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents Or Mind run a telephone helpline for parents who have children with mental health problems: 0808 802 5544 (Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 4pm).

Also, someone else started this discussion thread at the weekend, which might ring some bells for you... It seems like there are some similarities in your situation. You're not alone.

I hope some other people will be along soon to share their views too...

Am in a similar position, from what I have read ( and been told by CAMHS professionals) depression in teenagers often expresses itself as anger, and she is taking out on you because you are her mother, you are there and you are probably the one person she is closest to.
You need to find support for yourself as coping with a depressed teen is a hard, long and lonely road. I have accessed counselling from my GP, and it hasn't made things OK, but it has made it easier to cope with the fact that things aren't OK. ( not sure that makes sense).
This might sound trivial to you, but try to build in little things into your life that give you pleasure, coffee with friends, a long walk, exercise anything that can take you temporarily out of your situation.

Hi I've made a lot of posts on the thread flow4 linked take a look and feel free to ask away after you have read it x

Have you considered the possibility of family therapy at all?

I don't like the sound of the therapist saying that you should be the one in therapy. It doesn't sound very professional although I suppose it could be your DD twisting what was said. However, if you were able to have family therapy you could work on your relationship and be part of your DD's recovery. It would probably be in addition to her solo sessions and perhaps yours but it might help you to understand and deal with the issues that are coming out of your DD's counselling.

Sorry I don't know much about the practicalities but I felt compelled to answer as I was a bit like your DD at 17 with the depression and anxiety and low self-esteem although I don't think I took it out on my parents the same way as your DD is doing. It is only now, that I have a nearly teenager myself, that I am starting to think about what I put my mother through. It would have been good to have had the opportunity to work through things together with somebody who could effectively referee or coach us through some of the conversations we probably should have had.

The thread I linked to has just been deleted :( What a shame... Hiho and others gave some good advice...

thank you I have tried to look at the discussion thread you linked but it says it has been deleted

Yes, the original poster decided she'd revealed personal info about her husband, so asked for it to be removed. Here are some other discussion threads you might find useful:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1310400-advice-needed-desperately-regarding-social-services

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1427668-Do-I-let-15yo-go-into-care

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1514662-15yo-daughter-is-out-of-control-and-Ive-no-idea-how-to-handle-this

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1562479-An-update-of-sorts-on-the-annorexic-self-harming-suicidal-12-year-old

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1478631-How-do-I-help-my-13-yr-old-DD-who-is-showing-all-signs-of-being-depressed

Have you been able to talk to your GP or a helpline yet, lesley? (Fingers crossed)

I was HiHo - I'll email Mumsnet and see if I can get my posts from that thread sent to me - if I can I'll send them to you op.

If I can't I'll pm you our story xxxx

That's good :)

(And I know you're talking to lesley, not me... But I do think your posts could be useful to her :) )

Hi there has been lots of good ideas and sharing of experiences already. The only thing I would maybe add is to maybe contact your local family intervention and support service or parenting support service as they should depending on the structure work with both parent and teen, individually and then eventually or together, contact your local council for more details. Also ask to see a different GP to your daughter to get help for you.
Good Luck
Gemma

Having had CBT and anti depressants myself in the past it is interesting she is having both at the same time, my CBT counsellor said no point in having CBT whilst i was on AD's as my symptoms would go away and she was right.

How long has she been on the medication? Surprised that nothing has started working yet? How many mgs is she on and is it Citalopram?

Does the CBT counsellor know how aggressive she is? If not you need to speak to her about it. The CBT counsellor needs to know what is going on at home.

I hope the medication has the effect of stopping the self harming.

hq are looking into retreving my posts for me - thanks flow x

hq are looking into retreving my posts for me - thanks flow x

I very much doubt the therapist said op needs to be in therapy - but seeking help as a parent can be hugely beneficial - mine gave me permission to be a "parent" again.

Rose, my dd is having CBT and ADs at the same time. Her symptoms haven't gone away with ADs and we were warned they might not: they are just bringing her anxiety down to a level where she can access the CBT. There are only a limited number of ADs you can give to adolescents and they don't always work effectively with that age group.

OP, if I were you I would consider that "you should be in therapy" is probably your dd's interpretation of something the therapist said, not her/his actual words. Even healthy teens often hear things in a very odd way, and your dd is both unwell and angry. Most likely the therapist said something totally different.

Might not be a bad idea to ask for family therapy, or even for a regular 5 minute chat with her therapist for advice on how you should manage the situation. We are having family therapy atm and that is mainly about how we should go on parenting dd when she is ill and unhappy but still needs parenting; we have spent time talking about boundaries and it has been very useful.

Hi Cory, when I took the AD's my anxiety disappeared really quickly but the depression took 6 weeks of tablets before I could 'see clearly'.

I found CBT absolutely brilliant and I hope it works for your and Lesley's DD's too. You are right there is not way the counsellor would have said that to your DD Lesley.