DC bringing drunk friends home

[GoldandOrangeAnnunziata]

I was going to go for AIBU, but I don't dare! I have a largely open house policy. I don't mind bringing a friend home if they have accidentally got totally rat arsed or some such, but DD's best friend does it every week and I can't take it any more! DD is physically carrying her up the stairs most of the time, she is normally crying and weeping and just generally being drunk. Plus she normally throws up in the bathroom.

I think she has a problem, and I don't want to enable it. Her dad is very strict, so DD doesn't dare take her home in the states she gets into. But I can't understand why she doesn't just have a few drinks??

AIBU to tell DD I won't allow it again? But realistically I'm not going to stand on the door. What do you think?

doesnt it annoy your daughter. Her friend sounds tedious.
Personally I would say no.

How old are DD and her friend?

Tropicalfish, it doesn't seem to. It would annoy me too tbh. I want to say no, but I don't think it's practical plus I don't want to get the girl in trouble.

Flow4, they are 18, nearly 19.

I had a best friend like this. She used to get absolutely hammered and I always tried to smuggle her into our house. One night my mum caught me and I begged her to let my friend stay over. She didn't realise just how drunk she was as I didn't let them speak. DM rang her DF and cleared it with him. Then friend passed out and I couldn't rouse her. DM had to phone her father again and he went absolutely mental at the thought another parent had lied to him, eventually he accepted that she hadn't known the truth.

I think the long winded point I'm making is this girl is not your responsibility. Wouldn't you want to know if it was your DD? I think the next time this happens you need to ring her parents as god forbid she chokes to death on her own vomit some night. You'd never forgive yourself. Fair enough if it was genuinely an unusual occurrence but this seems to be happening a lot?

That is what I'm utterly terrified of, lucidlady. It is weekly almost. Her dad is just so strict with her though- he thinks she is having a sleepover. I couldn't forgive myself if he flung her out or something. I would want to know, but him and I are very different.

lucidlady,
I agree with you. And to op, I think it is all too easy to glaze over the fact that drinking to excess may cover up a deep seated problem, and then as the friend,just to do what seems like the kindest easiest thing.
I have a friend (who is almost 50) and everytime we get together she has too much to drink and normally ends up a paranoid crying wreck and ends up throwing up. Ive never spoken to her about this because it seems awkward and embarrassing. But I do think maybe her drinking extends beyond binges and maybe she is an alcoholic. So I do understand these situations arent easy. However maybe when teenagers do it, they do it for different reasons!!

If she has a serious drinking problem you are in fact enabling her. If her parents know then maybe she will get help before things get too out of hand.

Alright, it seems like everyone agrees then. No more staying over drunk. I think I will catch her and DD and talk to them myself first to make it absolutely clear. If she turns up again, I'll take her home.

Any more advice would be great.

OK, I don't quite agree and I'm going to raise a couple of "yeah buts" here...

You do accept some responsibility for her when you allow her to stay in your house, just as you would if you allowed a drunk friend of your own to stay. But the girl is 18, so legally an adult (that's why I asked) and ultimately, she's not your responsibility or her father's - she's her own responsibility. Your 18yo DD has some responsibility for her drunk friend too, which it sounds like she recognises.

I think talking to her is the right thing to do: it's what you'd do if this was one of your own friends... Something along the lines of "You've done this several times now and I don't like it. I worry about your safety. I don't want the responsibility. Please don't come to my house so drunk again".

I'm not at all sure talking to the 'strict' father is a good idea. I don't think I'd do it. I agree the drinking to excess may be a sign of a serious problem (though a lot of young people seem to be doing it), but what if that serious problem is domestic violence? What if her father beats her up? I know this sounds over-dramatic, but it's a genuine possibility...

If you do let her stay again, and you are ever worried for her safety, I think you/your DD should place her in the recovery position and keep an eye on her. Call an ambulance if you think she's in danger.

I kinda agree with Flow4. i'd be inclined to have a sober discussion one on one with DD and then with DD's bestie. In fact, i kinda have done. Different situation, but DD1's best friend (same ages) lost her father earlier last year, and her management of that involved a lot of drinking. She was drunk all the time, to my observation. i pulled DD aside over a coffee and asked her how she felt about the situation, what she thought was happening. she was really worried, and didn't know how to handle it. she didn't want to talk to bestie and isolate her further. So I then pulled bestie out for a coffee, and said that I was really worried about her drinking, and concerned about how she was managing her grief. We had a good talk, she cried a bit, she said how empty and scared she was feeling and how she couldn't talk to her mum because she had enough going on and wouldn't be able to cope with more problems. I hugged her and we went together to talk to her mum. her mum was already worried about the situation, but had been struggling with not wanting to drive what she saw as a further wedge in between them (there had been some conflict over the funeral arrangements) and ultimately they both got some councelling and things improved. My point being, this girl isn't your responsibility, but maybe your daughter needs your help to manage the situation, and not in a "I am putting my foot down kind of way". i just asked DD what she would have done if I had said "stop bringing bestie here drunk, I am sick of it" and she almost burst into tears just thinking about it!

Thanks all. I'm definitely not talking to the father, sorry if I implied that somewhere. I really don't want to send her home to him- although I don't think he would be violent- but I don't want to enable her any more, and I don't want her to swap to going home with someone else.

I don't think she has a bigger problem, because she is quite loud when she comes home. DD certainly isn't too worried about how much she drinks, most of their crowd are just as bad, but have less strict parents. Aargghh. I am going to catch them both today for a chat though- I'm more than happy to have her staying, but not legless.

I think your DD will be pleased that you have relieved her of this responsibility (although she might not say so).

Your daughter is putting you in an awkward position if she is doing this every week. Has she asked you if this is alright for her to constantly stay??

I can remember doing this occasionally when that age but if it had done it regularly my mother would certainly not have been too chuffed!

It is alright for her to stay, just not drunk. Honestly I don't mind.

Talked to DD, who did actually look a bit relieved. But then she said, 'what if she gets drunk anyway?' And I don't know what to do then. :(

I would talk to them both (when sober) and say this has to stop. Tell DDs bestie that she needs to take responsibility for herself now, she is an adult. And that she is welcome to stay if she's sober, just not drunk. That if she turns up plastered again you will ring her father to collect her as you are not prepared to be responsible for someone who may choke on their own vomit. On the question of 'what if she gets drunk anyway?' I would say briskly that in that case, having told them both what your actions will be, that you will assume she is happy for your to ring her father and do so.

Well I suggest you give dd the choice either she can say something to her or you can, I would just say that she is always well however the level of drunkenness is not acceptable and you do not wish to see her in that state at yours again. As an adult she can decide what to do but that the next time will either be the last time she stays or you will be driving her home. You may or may not need the last but. I think as a cool mum you will get the respect from her regarding this unless of course she does really have a problem