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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS, 20 & approach to money

53 replies

RoseWei · 29/07/2012 16:16

DS is 20 - at Uni - has 18 yr old gf who is clearly considerably better off than him. He's reluctant to work in holidays - preferring to be available to hang out with his mates - who also don't work (some can afford not to). Trouble is - we have major expenses ahead of us on his behalf - accommodation retainer/first month's rent as loan won't cover these. We've shelled out a lot - and it seems to be taken for granted.

Most times, he's a loving lad - can be enormously helpful in the house but so tardy about looking for work that it's unlikely he'll get any now (though we keep encouraging and helping). Soon, he wants a few days away with gf and can't believe that we're suggesting they youth hostel (not unless, he says, they can share a room - but that's much harder to find in a YH than dormitory spaces and, far more expensive). Now I've identified some reasonably priced hotels (she's abroad on holiday so unable to look for anything ...), and DS is b....y annoyed that I can't book till my salary is in end of the month. He's going up the wall, loud, difficult, swearing as doesn't want to loose face with gf who assumes he's booked somewhere.

Sorry if this all sounds so trivial - but I'm bugged by the thought that he feels in hock to richer people. I want him to be himself and happy that's part of a loving, if not terribly rich, family. I don't mind helping out a bit this time but on condition he continues to look for work (been half hearted to date) and understands that you can have a great time on a budget.

I'm not 100% happy about his insistence they share a room - I know what goes on (obviously) but his gf's parents haven't met DS and I'd be concerned if I were them - oh, I must sound like an old grump. I'm not! I'm just worried he doesn't understand the value of money or that you can holiday with your gf without sleeping with her (esp as they'll back at Uni in a few weeks ...). Perhaps you have to earn money before you want to protect it .... Support/thoughts would be welcome! He's left to meet a friend, gone out the back to avoid me and having to say 'Bye' .....

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 29/07/2012 16:22

I can't get away from the fact your son is 20!!

He should get a job and pay for it himself, it's just that simple.

I can't believe how rude he has been to you!! Are you seriously going to pay once you've been paid?

You're a total pushover honestly (trying to be gentle)

GnocchiNineDoors · 29/07/2012 16:22

Why are you paying for him and GF to.go on holiday together?

Naoko · 29/07/2012 16:24

Well, I can totally understand him not wanting to spend his (presumably first?) holiday with his gf in a youth hostel and not sharing a room. I'd have hated it too, and I was that 18 yo with 20 yo boyfriend not actually that long ago. They're both adults, if they were 5 years older you'd not even be suggesting it.

On the other hand, you are paying for this? If they want to go on holiday they can pay for it, and how they sort that out between them (if she has more money than he does) is their business! If that means they can't afford more than a youth hostel then that's how it is and they can either live with it or not go. My parents would only have payed for me to go on holiday as a gift, for example for my birthday (and in fact did, a few years ago, which was very generous of them), not just because I wanted to go on holiday. If you want to give him a gift of a holiday, then that's kind of you, but he does not get to act like he's entitled to it. You should perhaps make that clear to him.

Naoko · 29/07/2012 16:25

Oh ffs paid. I can spell, honestly.

mumeeee · 29/07/2012 16:57

Why are you paying for his holiday. The only time we pay for our DDs holidays is if they come on holiday with us. At 20 he should pay for his own holiday and look for work to cover it, I've learnt as my DDs have grown up that you need to just let them get on with things and try not to worry about their attitude to money, DD2 is now 22 and has just finished uni she does have a part time job and aprreciates all that we have done for her while she's been at uni but I'm sure she doesn't budget like we do.

WildWorld2004 · 29/07/2012 17:03

Im with everyone else. Why are YOU paying for it? Your ds sounds quite rude & unappreciative towards you.

I dont want to sound harsh or cause offence but hes 20 years old ffs. I had my own home, job & a 2 year old when i was 20.

brightermornings · 29/07/2012 17:10

He doesn't want to get a job because he like hanging round with his mates. Back to the real world I think. Being grown up is great you can go on holiday with your gf as long as you pay for it. He needs a reality check.

noddyholder · 29/07/2012 17:15

my ds is the same.PITA We paid for him to go away last year but said it was a one off. He has made noises re this year and we said get a job or forget it so he has forgotten it!

fussychica · 29/07/2012 17:20

My DS on Uni break looked pretty hard for work during the first month of the hols but couldn't find anything and slowly stopped looking. However, he is paying for any trips away he is taking to see Uni friends and generally entertaining himself. We are all going away together for the last couple of weeks of his break but although we are paying for his flight we made it very clear his spending money is down to him. Much to my suprise he managed his money well and has had enough to get him through the holiday without working.
I think you are being very generous and he clearly doesn't appreciate that you aren't in the position to pay for him all the time. I'd make a stand on this otherwise it will just continue. Sorry - hope you work it out.

lauratheexplorer · 29/07/2012 17:26

I honestly can't believe you're paying for this! He is 20 and wants to go on holiday so he should pay for it himself. He doesn't want to work? Tough shit. When he comes out of uni he'll have to get a job that works holidays...he knows that right? I can't believe he is shouting at you like a spoiled brat!

I am not much older than your DS but would never ask my parents to pay for a holiday. I understand they want to be together though. Regardless of whether her parents have met your DS, they are adults and their sex life is none of your or their business. Just because they'll be back in uni soon doesn't mean they're not entitled to a sex life elsewhere.

hattifattner · 29/07/2012 17:29

if he's not working, why are you looking up possible holidayss for him, and why are you offering to pay? ARe you a helicopter parent?

SchmancyPants · 29/07/2012 17:36

I too am shocked by your DS but for me it's more about his attitude. I am 32 now, an only child and have been very lucky in that my parents have always supported me financially when I needed it. However, I went out and found a Saturday job as soon as I was able to aged 16 and went on to work continuously every weekend until I had my gap year aged 18. My dad agreed to pay half my gap year cost (£1000) but I worked full time from when I left sixth form in July to when I went away in the January to pay the rest and have spending money while I was there. While at uni I worked every holiday, as my parents agreed to pay for my tuition fees only, while I paid my living costs.

However, at no point would I have expected my parents to pay anything. I was always, and still am, very grateful for their help. It would never have occurred to me to get in a strop as your DS appears to have done if they couldn't or wouldn't pay for something for me. I find this sense of entitlement very shocking in a 20 year old and if I were you, I would be refusing to pay anything for my DS until he sorted out his attitude.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 29/07/2012 17:40

Another one here wondering why you're paying for his holiday. I think it's incredibly rude of him to be on your case because you can't book his holiday right now, he sounds very entitled.

noddyholder · 29/07/2012 17:43

My ds has looked for a job all summer but no luck Of his group of about 11 mates who do everything together 2 have jobs! It is dire. But I wouldn't pay for him to have a holiday unless it was with us.Seriously he needs to fund teh extras himself if you are providing the essentials Thats the deal here with a few treats thrown in

BackforGood · 29/07/2012 18:01

Have to agree with everyone else. Why on earth would you pay for his holiday with his girlfriend ? . Or, come to that, do the research and booking of it ?
Have we misread his age ?
Fair enough, I understand parents supporting dcs at university to help with rent but there's no way I'd be paying for holidays for any of my dc once over 18, if they are going off somewhere on their own - why would you ?

TheCunningOlympicBMXStunt · 29/07/2012 18:05

^^
What they all said. He won't get a job because you are enabling him not to. He sounds like he is acting like a 13 year old child, not a 20 year old man.

Trills · 29/07/2012 18:08

Why are you paying for and organising a holiday for another (non special needs) adult?

lady24 · 29/07/2012 18:22

I know e/o is criticizing you for paying but they are 100% correct. I am only 23 so i clearly remember what its like to be 20 and expect everything from my parents. but my mom and dad were VERY firm and clear about being an adult and budgeting etc. mom took me at 18th bday to the bank to open a bank account taught me to be careful with credit cards and said from now on your on your OWN!! was mad as hell then, but now am so appreciative.

i am 23, married, with a baby, to a wonderful man (3 yrs my senior) and have already completely my masters degree in speech language pathology (completed a rigorous accelerated masters program in UC in Ohio, US) . both DH and i work VERY hard to pay off our student loans and support ourselves. whenever we ever wanted to go on holiday we sat down and made a CLEAR estimate of how much it would all cost and if the numbers didnt add up we changed plans. and it worked cuz NO ONE EVER PAID OUR BILLS and surely not HOLIDAYS. listen you've gotta just let him grow up even if he makes mistakes on the way. its the only way he will become a real adult.

flow4 · 29/07/2012 18:22

Sometimes I think they live in a parallel universe! I offered to pay for DS1 (17) to have a short break away cos I got so desperate for a break from him. I was thinking camping/youth hostel/budget accommodation for 2-4 nights, somewhere like Wales - with me paying his share, and his friends (or their parents) paying for themselves. But when I spotted somewhere that looked nice to me and showed it to him, he was incredibly rude and dismissive: "I'm not staying in a sh*thole like that!" I stayed reasonably calm and asked him what, in that case, he had had in mind... It turned out that he thought I'd pay for him and a friend or two to have a week in Magaluf or Ibiza It took me about ten minutes to stop laughing!

When I could breathe again, I pointed out we haven't, in fact, had a family holiday abroad for 3 years, and that when my budget stretches to that again, I will be paying for myself and DS2 rather than his mates! He did take the point, but he hadn't worked it out for himself. Really, sometimes they have no idea!!

On a more serious note, I do think it's sad that some kids seem to have acquired a kind of snobbery, despite very low incomes. When I was young, I didn't let a low budget get in the way of going interesting places - I stayed in low-cost accommodation so I could still do lots of travelling. These days kids like my son seem to expect to stay in much more expensive accom... And since they can't actually afford it, they don't go away anywhere :(

AnnunziATTAGIRL · 29/07/2012 18:28

The only way to help your DS is to stop paying for him.

lady24 · 29/07/2012 18:32

back to the same point op. im not from the UK so i dont really know what is acceptable there but i know what works. tell either he gets a job and pays and decides on his own where to go, or you pay and you decide...wont work any other way. but either way he's got to learn to be responsible on his own even if he is in uni (is that short for college? im american obviously...)

whatsapussycatdoll · 29/07/2012 18:46

people who want to go on holiday have to have the money to pay for it, or they dont go. simple as that.

I would never have thought it was ok to demand money for a holiday at that age.

Tell him to get lost, If he loses face in front of his GF, so what, he wont do it again hopefully. He should have got a job to pay for a holiday, i presume you have been funding his day to day lifestyle.

I think them wanting to share a room is the least of your worries.

Wigglewoo · 29/07/2012 22:46

Don't pay for him to go on holiday. That's a luxury. At 20 he neeeds to provide for himself. He is an adult. As is his girlfriend. It doesn't have anything to do with her parents whether they share a bed on holiday or not. At 18 I was working full time and seeing whoever I wanted mostly without my parents knowing a thing about it.

I think its time to cut the apron strings. I know its hard but he will never grow up otherwise.

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 29/07/2012 22:54

My DD1 is back from uni..aged 20..and has also struggled to get a job. In the end she has managed to get a week working as a live in carer and when she returns she is going away with her GF for the weekend..and she is paying.

We are not well off..and she is a med student amongst some very wealthy students but she doesn't moan.. she gets £30 a week to feed herself in term time and manages on her loan..just..and works as and when she get work in the holidays.

Your son is taking the piss frankly. He needs to either get a job...or not go on holiday! And most students do YH if they do go away.. DD1 went to Barcelona last summer for a few days and it was amazingly cheap... but only after she had worked in MacDonalds for most of the holidays.

Be firm.. he is a grown up...

LeandarBear · 29/07/2012 22:56

I wouldn't pay for him if he was so rude. The fact that he is worried about what his GF thinks is very immature. However, if you go ahead, then I would make him work for it around the home, doing something like redecorating or gardening.

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