DS, 20 & approach to money

[RoseWei]

DS is 20 - at Uni - has 18 yr old gf who is clearly considerably better off than him. He's reluctant to work in holidays - preferring to be available to hang out with his mates - who also don't work (some can afford not to). Trouble is - we have major expenses ahead of us on his behalf - accommodation retainer/first month's rent as loan won't cover these. We've shelled out a lot - and it seems to be taken for granted.

Most times, he's a loving lad - can be enormously helpful in the house but so tardy about looking for work that it's unlikely he'll get any now (though we keep encouraging and helping). Soon, he wants a few days away with gf and can't believe that we're suggesting they youth hostel (not unless, he says, they can share a room - but that's much harder to find in a YH than dormitory spaces and, far more expensive). Now I've identified some reasonably priced hotels (she's abroad on holiday so unable to look for anything ...), and DS is b....y annoyed that I can't book till my salary is in end of the month. He's going up the wall, loud, difficult, swearing as doesn't want to loose face with gf who assumes he's booked somewhere.

Sorry if this all sounds so trivial - but I'm bugged by the thought that he feels in hock to richer people. I want him to be himself and happy that's part of a loving, if not terribly rich, family. I don't mind helping out a bit this time but on condition he continues to look for work (been half hearted to date) and understands that you can have a great time on a budget.

I'm not 100% happy about his insistence they share a room - I know what goes on (obviously) but his gf's parents haven't met DS and I'd be concerned if I were them - oh, I must sound like an old grump. I'm not! I'm just worried he doesn't understand the value of money or that you can holiday with your gf without sleeping with her (esp as they'll back at Uni in a few weeks ...). Perhaps you have to earn money before you want to protect it .... Support/thoughts would be welcome! He's left to meet a friend, gone out the back to avoid me and having to say 'Bye' .....

Wow, I'm shocked and it must be so upsetting for you. I think you need to make sure he knows that this behaviour is completely unreasonable and you will not tolerate it. If you put the money aside (for now) and focus on his reaction - he has made a bad situation 100x worse by swearing at you. He needs to learn that he can't get his way by intimidating you or anyone else.

I think his attitude needs serious adjustment - Lots of people will be richer, smarter, more attractive than him..he has to get over it - quickly.

It's awful you feel scared and I would it be best if your dh got back from work before confronting him?

I would suggest not asking for the money but to be a bit crafty....make sure DH is in on it but I would run the cupboards down to the last tin (while having a secret stash for the grown ups if needs be), tell him the tv needs to be switched off because u have not paid the licence and to save on electricity, tell him washing has not been done to save on gas and tell him to use clothes again...etc literally act as if there is no money in the house at all. When he moans tell him why there is no food/luxuries etc and suggest it is because the bank account is empty and then maybe suggest it is because u have overspent on luxuries for him before making sure the bills are paid for. Make sure it goes on for a few days until he cracks and will finally realise things cost money and he might be more inclined to give you the money when he realises the seriousness of taking money from his family with no regard for their own priorities. It would take everyone to knuckle down for a few days and then maybe ask him to use the money he owes to do a family shop (with a list) so he can see how far money actually goes!

He is a spoiled brat.

Stop paying for him.
Don't mention a job.
Don't do any nagging.
Sit him down and outline what will be paid for his uni costs (accommodation retainer/first month's rent) and tell him the rest is entirely up to him.
Tell him you are confident a bright and resourceful young man like him will figure out how he will keep body and soul together, pay for his mini breaks (from what ffs?) and his books and toiletries and entertaining his girlfriend.
Then get up from the table and tell him that is all you have to say on the matter
AND MEAN IT.

Do not pay one penny more. In the end you will be doing him and any future gf or wife a major favour.

He will have severe growing pains and you will be cursed and sworn at plenty. Think of it as a tantrum on the part of a seriously immature individual, which is what he is.

If you want him under your feet sponging off you until you drop dead then go on paying for his self indulgent lifestyle. He has no respect for you because you have no respect for yourselves.