How can I get her back?

[chocoluvva]

DD has spent two nights at her boyfriend's home and is going to stay tonight again. She's nearly 15 and he'll be 18 next month.
I agreed to the 2 nights, knowing they were going to the cinema with his mum and older sibling on the first day and thinking they had something nice planned for yesterday after I'd taken them along with one of DD's friends to the airport to say goodbye to a dear friend of theirs who is returning home to the other side of the world.
On the way back from the airport I asked DD's BF what his plans were. He was very vague. I offered to take them all back to our house for lunch. We had to pass the end of our street to take DD's friend home anyway. BF thought his mum probably had lunch organised so he thought they should go straight back to his house (3 miles from our house).
5pm. DD and BF arrive at our house asking if DD can stay over for a 3rd night (which will be tonight). I wanted to say no, you're very lucky to stay over at all etc etc but thought maybe DD's mum had something nice planned (it seems that she organises DD and BF's dates quite frequently!) and DD and BF would be bitterly aggrieved so I invited BF's mum who was waiting outside in the car in for a cuppa in.
She came in a bit reluctantly - needed to get back to take the washing in. She'd been pottering about the local shops with DD while BF had been at his drop-in sports thing and explained in great detail how they were going to spend the evening and today working on making a photo CD montage thing of BF's life up to now to have for fun at his 18th birthday party in four weeks (and give copies off to his birthday guests) and they really needed to crack on and get this done for reasons XYZ.
DD is really giving IMO. She went to BF's gran's funeral in May at his mum's suggestion/request though she'd only met her once. (They started going out with each other in December of last year), went to several of his hobby events (which she's interested in, in a slightly different field - but she was really busy at the time. Once, BF's mum got DD a ticket without asking me first). She chose him as her friend to come on our holiday at the start of July (scottish schools etc). He got back and spent all his money on equipment for his hobby. He's doing two weeks work in August and nothing else before he starts uni - here, in our home town. He does almost nothing on his own with DD except go to the cinema and go out for occasional meals.
He appears to have no close friends. He doesn't like DD's best friend and she doesn't like him. He didn't go to his school leaving prom. They bitch about everybody - not something my DD is usually guilty of and rarely say thankyou for anything. DDand BF prefer to spend more time at his home than ours (I think because I expect higher standards of manners and don't tolerate swearing in our home). Also BF is a fussy eater - though I take pains to cater for him.
DD is about to start her most important year of school and completely distracted by BF and his family. I feel miserable and helpless about the whole thing. What can I do?
.

She is only fourteen could you be brave and just say no. Could you not pick her up in the evening? Just try not to slag of the bf too much as she will want to know him more. This happened to me with my daughter. Make out you really like him.

Aagh - I meant to say she's nearly 16.
Thankyou for your post.
How did things work out with your daughter

Oh nearly sixteen is harder. Well she had a boyfriend who wasn't great and did not ever want to be in our house and she used to stay there all the time and say what a lovely family they were and was very hurtful to us.

Looking back I did nothing but moan and make snide remarks till eventually she spent more and more time there. As soon as I stopped making remarks she started moaning about him to me and I sort if stuck up for him and then two months later she realised all his faults on her own.

They finished and she now has a lovely bf that actually wants to come in our house.

Good luck I am sure it will pass.

Oh, thankyou Redglow. Most unfortunately, DD knows I don't like her BF as I've criticised his behaviour in the past. Though I've managed to avoid criticising him IYSWIM and she can see I cook for him, run them about, let her spend a lot of time with him.
I'm trying not to be hurt by this - thank you. I hope she sees him for what he is soon. I feel this might take a long time as his mum seems to think it's fine to take up my DD's time trailing about after her son :(

You really don't like this boy, do you? :( That must be tough for you. So far, I have liked the few girls my son has been out with and felt that surely any girl would be a good influence on him

You asked "how can I get her back"... The sad truth is you can't. Your daughter is growing up and it's natural for her to move away from you, physically and emotionally, at least for a while. IMO, the harder you try to hold on to her or 'pull her back', the harder and further she'll pull away.

Looking in on this relationship from the outside, what I see is a boy who is going to university, has a hobby that really motivates him, has a holiday/summer job and also does sports activities, goes out with your daughter to the cinema and for meals, and has a mum who is obviously caring and involved (and maybe keeping an eye on them)... To be honest, he sounds OK... More than OK, actually.

I agree with Redglow that if you are negative about him, you are likely to drive her towards him. Could you try to be positive about him? There are plenty of things for you to be positive about, really and truly... :)

Sorry if this is going to upset you but is your Dd on the pill??
If not be very aware that this boy could end up as the father to your grandchild.

I know that is brutal but it happens to lots of people all the time, including me

I was your daughter about 30 years ago, and I honestly think it will fizzle out next year when he's at uni and she's doing highers - especially if she does all the other fifth year things like school show etc, that take up a lot of time. My oldest DS did his Highers this year, and there's a huge jump in the amount if work needed for standard grade and higher.

TBH my teen relationship went in for longer than it should have mostly because my mum made it clear that she didn't like him and never made him very welcome. I stayed with him for months because I didn't want to break up with his family.

Next year the boy will be more interested in nights in the student union than being with your DD. honestly - it will pass. Plaster in a smile and be as welcoming as you can.

I meant I stayed with him, as in kept going out with him. Not lived with him for months.

His hobby comes and goes. He seems to go through spells of going to the club once or twice a week then not going at all for weeks on end. He does no other sports and spends a TERRIFIC amount of time in front of various screens. He almost never walks or cycles anywhere and wont get the train to our house or walk DD to the railway station from his - 5mins. DD herself will tell you he's lazy. :(

His summer job is work experience for two weeks.

But I think I know what you mean - it's not like he goes out drinking every night and lies in bed till the afternoon.

Everthing seems to be on his (or his mum's terms).

Are you worried that she likes her BF and his family more than her own?
You don't mention a partner, or other children for either of the families involved.
Perhaps she's enjoying the difference in setting as well as her BF.
What's she like as a student? Is she set to get good GCSE grades, and then on to A levels and uni herself?
If that's her goal, she's going to need to allocate her time properly or she won't achieve it.

What subject is he planning on studying at Uni?
DD spends a lot of time in front of screens too. He sounds very laid back and unpressurised, does your daughter like that or does she get impatient with him because of his apparent lack of vavoom?

Sorry, that last post was in response to Flow (and I should have said thankyou).
BF's family is not big on thankyous..... :(

Fallen, she's bright but not interested in anything academic.
She hopes to make a career out of one of the performing arts - highly competitive. She goes to a specialist school where she's done very well up to now. Obviously she needs to keep on with her training.....
She achieved a very high mark in a (performing) exam a while back at a very young age. I can't help thinking she's resting on her laurels now.
BF has an older sister s0 his home is more interesting to her than here with her younger DC, although she still likes to lark around with DC and DC's pals sometimes. BF, according to her, "Doesn't do silly".

You're doing it again, chocluvva! I say "He has a hobby", you say "His hobby comes and goes". I say "He does sports" you say "He does no other sport... and never walks or cycles anywhere"... I really think you've got to FORCE yourself to look on the bright side with this boy. Maybe try it as a personal challenge: every time you catch yourself criticising him, force yourself to add a positive "but on the bright side, he..." :)

I know it goes without saying he'll never be good enough for your daughter but honestly, really and truly, compared to my own son and all his mates the dozens of teenage boys I know, this young man is almost heroic not a bad lad at all.

And if you can be positive enough, you'll probably be able to put your daughter right off him!

So she's possibly slacking off, and has a BF who puts no pressure on her to do otherwise. Plus an older girl to chat with, a BF mother who likes her and is happy to have her around. Very relaxing!
Jobs in performing arts are very rare and need a lot of commitment,so if she doesn't pull out all the stops she is unlikely to get something she can make a living out of.
It's tricky, you can't get her back now she's almost independent, she has to see the value of what she has, and the reasons for any pressure you are putting on her to succeed. It's not the fault of the BF or his mother, your DD needs to take charge of her own life and make some serious decisions about what she's going to do for the next few years.

BF sounds a very easy teenager. No drugs, abusive relationship with DD, arguments with his mother, heading to uni but not abandoning his home.
DD was shocked in her first year by how many students said they were never going home again, and how many actually hadn't gone home at all in their first year.
Several haven't been back home to their families in two years. By choice.

This is a difficult one. My DD is almost 18 and has an 18 year old BF. They spend a lot of time at his house and stay over often. He does also come here and stays over but much less often.

In our case, the home situations are very different. He has brothers and sisters and parents with a stable marriage. They have a large house and garden. They are all sporty and active, as is DD.

I am divorced and DD has lived with me, and apart from her own brother and sister. I appreciate that it must be much more fun in BF's house. However, I like him greatly and DD says he likes me a lot. He is always welcome in our home and I chat to him when they are here.

It is hard because DD will leave home to go to university in a few weeks. I keep my own feelings subdued because to try to persuade her to be here more would only result in being sensitive to what she would see as criticism.

Incidentally, DD's previous BF was lazy and cheated on her. At weekends he stayed in bed until late in the afternoon, then went clubbing and drank a great deal. The current BF is the polar opposite. DD is very happy now and I am pleased to see it.

There are other issues in my life which colour how I act - I am nearing retirement (this is extremely hard to contemplate) and have had no man in my life for many years. I have given up with that. Making DD feel guilty or unhappy is not an option for me - if my life isn't particularly happy that's my problem. Not suggesting that you are in the same situation as me. I do have sympathy with how you feel.

Yes, she needs to think really carefully at this particular stage of her school/life.
And I take your point that it's not the fault of BF - who knows how things would be going if he wasn't in the picture? Ultimately she's responsible for the choices she makes.
My difficulty is in getting her to be sensible NOW. This is such a bad time to have her head turned by a boy....
I was thinking about getting her to do a list of things she needs to do before school begins in mid-August as she likes making lists.

I think as soon as you don't like someone you look for faults. Step back be pleasant about him and his mother and eventually she will sort herself out. I know that's really hard but try.

I was hurt when my daughter finished the relationship and then kept saying how much she missed the lovely family .

What a fantastic post hippyhat.
I'm impressed with you prioritising your daughter's happiness over your own worries about loneliness, but perhaps once you've retired, you will have time to develop your own hobbies and interests more than you can whilst holding down a job.
My DD comes home reasonably often, and phones just for a chat. If I'd tried to hold on to her, she'd have never left home.

Thankyou for your posts. I'm so sorry - I was in a panic about the mistake I made with this original post so I started, basically the same one in Chat.
I'm sorry I don't know how to link so I will just continue this now in Chat.
I'm really sorry for such bad form on MN :(
I've had lots of good advice and food for thought on MN over the past year.

It's not the bad form that I was fussing about, more that posters will only have part of the information and responses, depending on what thread they are reading, which is less useful to you and everyone else.

I can't find the other post in Chat (I think because there are about 7000 post an hour there!)... Anyone got a link? :)