How can I get her back?

[chocoluvva]

DD has spent two nights at her boyfriend's home and is going to stay tonight again. She's nearly 15 and he'll be 18 next month.
I agreed to the 2 nights, knowing they were going to the cinema with his mum and older sibling on the first day and thinking they had something nice planned for yesterday after I'd taken them along with one of DD's friends to the airport to say goodbye to a dear friend of theirs who is returning home to the other side of the world.
On the way back from the airport I asked DD's BF what his plans were. He was very vague. I offered to take them all back to our house for lunch. We had to pass the end of our street to take DD's friend home anyway. BF thought his mum probably had lunch organised so he thought they should go straight back to his house (3 miles from our house).
5pm. DD and BF arrive at our house asking if DD can stay over for a 3rd night (which will be tonight). I wanted to say no, you're very lucky to stay over at all etc etc but thought maybe DD's mum had something nice planned (it seems that she organises DD and BF's dates quite frequently!) and DD and BF would be bitterly aggrieved so I invited BF's mum who was waiting outside in the car in for a cuppa in.
She came in a bit reluctantly - needed to get back to take the washing in. She'd been pottering about the local shops with DD while BF had been at his drop-in sports thing and explained in great detail how they were going to spend the evening and today working on making a photo CD montage thing of BF's life up to now to have for fun at his 18th birthday party in four weeks (and give copies off to his birthday guests) and they really needed to crack on and get this done for reasons XYZ.
DD is really giving IMO. She went to BF's gran's funeral in May at his mum's suggestion/request though she'd only met her once. (They started going out with each other in December of last year), went to several of his hobby events (which she's interested in, in a slightly different field - but she was really busy at the time. Once, BF's mum got DD a ticket without asking me first). She chose him as her friend to come on our holiday at the start of July (scottish schools etc). He got back and spent all his money on equipment for his hobby. He's doing two weeks work in August and nothing else before he starts uni - here, in our home town. He does almost nothing on his own with DD except go to the cinema and go out for occasional meals.
He appears to have no close friends. He doesn't like DD's best friend and she doesn't like him. He didn't go to his school leaving prom. They bitch about everybody - not something my DD is usually guilty of and rarely say thankyou for anything. DDand BF prefer to spend more time at his home than ours (I think because I expect higher standards of manners and don't tolerate swearing in our home). Also BF is a fussy eater - though I take pains to cater for him.
DD is about to start her most important year of school and completely distracted by BF and his family. I feel miserable and helpless about the whole thing. What can I do?
.

It's called, "double aargh- miserable and etc"
Sorry I can't link and thankyou for your interest.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1528273-Double-aaagh-miserable-and-frustrated-about-DD-and-have-started-a-new-thread-in-teenagers-with-an-important-detail-incorrect

Thanks Caryatid :)

BF's exams results came (scottish results were out on tuesday).
He didn't come near to getting what he needed for uni so is off to college soon. DD cried as she knew how much he was hoping for a place at uni.
I actually feel sorry for him. Turns out his prelim results were nowhere near the standard required either so I don't know why he was so hopeful of uni.
I know this will sound not nice, but I hope DD might start to take what he says with a pinch of salt from now on.
Hardly anyone has said they will go to his party.
He stopped his work experience after one week instead of two.
DD has spent a small fortune on a birthday present for him. She bought him a garment at christmas, which he's never worn and a top, as a present from a trip she went on, which he's never worn.....
Thank goodness for MN. It's soooo difficult to watch her invest so much time and thought in someone who I don't feel is good for her at all instead of spending time with her lovely, fun friends or doing her hobby/school stuff like she used to.

Just hang in there choccaluva. She might be slow let getting the message. Keep praising him up. Is she still round his house a lot?

They go to his rather than here but there's been no more mention of sleepovers. DD's school starts next week and his college the following week.
I really appreciate your posts Redglow. Thankyou for your encouraging posts.
(DP thinks I'm obsessing.) Which I suppose I am - every other day there's something to do with him it seems. It annoys me that I don't manage to be completely consistent in my reaction. Mostly I manage to not criticise but not always :(

I know my husband is like that too. Thing is when it was my daughter I just could not switch off and little things used to wind me up but I do think I looked for them.

Thank goodness my daughter has really settled with a nice boy that I like.

Thanks again Redglow. It sounds like your experience with your DD and her BF was really like mine. I'm really pleased she's happy again now. How long did her thing with her first BF last? (I wonder nervously).
It's so nice of you to be so understanding. As other posters have said, It's not like my DD's BF is a monster. I've made a mental note of your point about 'looking for things'.
I actually feel quite annoyed with DD's BF's mum for thinking it's okay to have my DD spend so much time tagging along on shopping trips etc. On one of these she bought her a small gift. I'm sure partly out of guilt.

it probably suits her choco, as it keeps her precious boy busy doing exactly what suits him, am sure she wouldnt like it if she was in your shoes

Ssd you are so right if my sixteen year old son found a nice sensible girl, I would make her very welcome. He's a handful and needs a nice girl to sort him out.

Chocco their relationship lasted a year when they split up she said she really missed the lovely family. I asked her about this recently and said why were they so much nicer than us she said they were allowed to sleep together and smoke and her mum was so much more laid back than us.

Funnily I really like the boy now he is not with my daughter.

Thanks ssd. I feel bad for feeling like that about her and I'm aware that she's had a tough year. And for DD it's a novelty to go to our (boring local) shops with someone else's mum. She's good fun and she's crafty so she probably has a good eye for clothes (which I don't). But she's condoning the idea that it's fine for her son's girlfriend to just hang about while he does his things and she seems to EXPECT that DD "support" him in the various ways she has. DD's a busy 15YO who is also impressionable. We'd rarely even heard this boy's name until the end of last year.

That's it isn't it? The other family seem so nice to DD because they're relaxed about swearing etc. I'd have been up the wall if my DD was allowed to smoke at soemone else's home. No wonder you were upset about it at the time. I think I'll like DD's BF when he's not going out with her too. I hope so much that she'll look back on this time and think, 'I can't believe I thought he was so cool).
It's so annoying when some random other family suddenly seems to have this massive, unhelpful influence over your own child.
You sound like a great mum, Redglow - is your DS in Scotland.....? :o

Your DD is involved with a lazy mamma's boy and social loser who is seriously up himself, as is his mother.

I hope for her sake that she will break free. The small gifts from the mum are bribery to keep her thinking she is appreciated for herself. They are not big enough to give her any ideas, just enough to keep her working for more.

I don't like the way he doesn't like your DD's best friend and the way they monopolise her time, which keeps her away from friends.

What alternative activities are you able to provide for your DD? Classes, hobbies, activities you and your family could do together? What sort of part time job could she do without jeopardising her studies?

Lucky for your daughter we are right down south chocca.

BF cancelled his eighteenth birthday party on weds. (it was going to have been tomorrow). Hardly anyone was able/wanted to go...
DD and lots of BFs friends were in a public performance on Tuesday (but not BF). Did he go? To be sociable, if nothing else. No, of course not. (unlike DD who went to all his things that none of their friends were in and sat beside his mum.
At what point will DD see how selfish and inconsiderate he is? How can she STILL think he's so marvellous?

Why does she not mind that her BF still lets his mum make his bed every day?

Chocoluva calm down, I think most teenagers would let their mums make their bed if they could get away with it.
yes he sounds selfish not going to watch her. Did he give a reason? I think all these little things he does will make her realise how unreasonable he is. Try to stay calm as she will defend him all the time.

It concerns me that she might feel sorry for him. (I feel a bit sorry for him!! - His ONLY really solid reliable family support is his mum - his father has not been a good parent from the sound of things and several of his relations have had their troubles, which have made it very difficult for them to be the type of relation you would hope for). Most unfortunately IMO, his mum mollycoddles him, sings his praises excessively and condones his immature behaviour which probably feeds his resentment/jealousy though, more to the point possibly influences DD's beliefs in an unhelpful way.
Do you think she defends him to me - I know, I know - I MOSTLY manage to not criticise, but maybe secretly agrees with me about some of this? Or will she feel it's them against the world type of thing?
I feel a bit nasty about my last post actually. Thank goodness for MN. It just does concern and annoy me that DD has this constant 'bad influence' and by her own standards (her and her friends) on several fronts he's just not up to much.
Eg - DD was disappointed and annoyed at being passed over for a good opportunity at school. So I agreed - disappointing, but there's still next year,X, Y and Z weren't picked either, last year you were disappointed too but it worked out really well in the end, do your best with the things you're doing etc. Whereas I STRONGLY suspect that BF (and his mum) would agree with DD- that's not fair, don't co-operate then, it's all very well for A, B and C with their money, etc etc. They are very negative :(

I was just like you it did not work. Make a point of getting him a present for his birthday, the more you slag him off the more she will defend him. It's a bit like with your children it's ok for you to do it but you would defend them to other people.

Be very sweet and ask her in a concerned way why nobody wants to go to his party.

Thank you so much for your patience Redglow. I keep resolving to be sweet as you say and often succeed, but I frequently am just too annoyed with him and his mum (and DD too) to keep it up :(.
Sometimes I doubt this strategy in case she believes my niceness, IYSWIM. (She is possibly a bit confused herself.)
A fortnight ago I nearly had a disaster - DD was rude before going out with him and his family, so in a temper I told her to either come straight home from the family shopping centre/cinema trip (with or without him) or get the train back from his - as it was likely to be the last of the light -till-late-enough- nights before the autumn and would for once save a car trip(even though DD had said that BF's mum wasn't happy with letting people walk from theirs to the station- although she'd never said that directly to me.) DD texted later from BF's mum's car to say she was going back to theirs so I replied, reminding her about my train 'directive'. (This sort of thing is not usual). Anyway she didn't reply. Instead, to my horror, BF's mum phoned the house, clearly annoyed with me. She wasn't shouting or swearing but she was quite confrontational , "Why, when I SAID etc?". "Are you saying I'm wrong? etc". She insisted on running DD home, so I made a point of apologising for 'my misunderstanding' later and it was all sorted. It was pretty nerve-wracking (for me).
I did give BF a present - which he apparently liked- and have been VERY nice about his eighteenth.

Ooh you was good to keep your cool with the mother how you bring your dd up is up to you not her. It's so hard.

If I'd responded to her the way she was speaking to me there would have been a downright argument. It was not nice (maybe she didn't mean to sound quite so aggressive....). Another family we know who live one street away from BF's family agree that the path to the station isn't very nice, but they use it. Even DH agreed that BF's mum was probably annoyed at not having complete control over the situation - she could have driven DD to the station and seen her onto the train instead of telling DD not to answer my call and angrily phoning me. Especially as I've been really relaxed about vague arrangements, with no phone calls from late morning till late evening.
Unfortunately I went mad at DD the morning after this incident (though I did say to her later that BF's mum being ANGRY on the phone wasn't DD's fault ). I was also cross with her for spending MY money on crisps and sweeties at the cinema, having recently commented to her that it was just as well the hols were nearly over as I was skint and been disappointed that she'd spent a fortune on cinema snacks the previous week; something we've NEVER done as virtually everywhere else is so much cheaper- turns out this was for BF's mum's lunch - DD probably felt dead grown up at buying this for an adult.
I don't think DD understood why I was angry - she probably thought BF's mum was being nice to her as she's too young to understand the context.
BF's mum was very slightly sneaky about the party too. I told her I was quite reassured to have heard that she had had a party for BF's sister's 18th, as a house full of teens with alcohol isn't something I've done myself and DD -through her own choice hasn't been to much in the way of teen parties. Later BF mentioned that his sister's party had been a family/rels/neighbours type of party NOT a party for teens (BF didn't ask his relations, extended family or neighbours to his party so not the same at all).
And I've never told her that DD had said how once, after she asked me in (when she had just kicked out her DH) and encouraged me to talk about DD that she had gone straight to DD and BF to tell them what I'd been saying (in what I just assumed to be in confidence) that I was "just being overprotective".
This is great therapy for me at least! :o

My own mum isn't around and I do actually realise there are many, many more serious probs with teens. I feel like BF and his mum are unfairly taking over and feel powerless to wrest things back. I think they are quite unfair and would undoubtedly NOT like it if I treated BF like this - even though he's now 18 (for goodness sake).
Rant, rant, rantetty rant.
At least we're having chicken pie for dinner - if I get off here and into the kitchen :o

Hi Op.

Your problem has really struck a chord with me. My own DD is only 13 but I would be gutted if she had such a serious boyfriend at such a young age as yours. Especially one who appears to treat her as his sidekick.

I agree with others that I wouldn't go all out saying he's revolting (she'll just like him more) but I would be drip feeding the message that she has far more interesting thinsg ot be doing with her life, than playing second fiddle to this Mummy's boy. I'd also be drip feeding the idea that he's not much of a boyfriend. Perhpas by making sneaky comparisons to other more attentive boys.

Hope you enjoyed the chicken pie. My daughter once spent her birthday money on him I was so angry. Not being funny but as he is eighteen why could he not walk her to the station.? Also it his still none of her business how you bring up your daughter.

I reckon when the dark evenings come and school and college startS it might naturally fizzle out.

The mum sounds like a real stirrer be really careful what you tell her.

Thank you again for your kind words. It's just struck me that DD has a friend's birthday in two weeks and a proposed two day trip planned with another friend in four weeks. Hopefully that will help with things fizzling out with BF..... :)

Also, it's her own birthday in six weeks. I'd be very surprised if he spends as much on DD as she has on him....... if it hasn't fizzled out by then of course. That should help too.
What a shame that your daughter spent all her birthday money on her ex Redglow! I'd have been soooo mad too. (DD did remark sadly today that she has almost no money at the moment - a useful observation in my opinion).
Oh yes, I've come over all hopeful that he will soon be an ex :o

It will be horrible for a brief spell and then she will study etc like a demon!!!!
And be glowing with a renewed joie de vivre. As she skips along with her nice, fun friends.
Or something like that would do very nicely!!

I think you feel annoyed because BF and BF mum are not behaving particularly well yet are getting the "more laid back" reputation.

Seems to me BF mum is a bit manipulative and likes having your DD around as she is a nice girl and a good influence. I imagine BF gets his own way quite a bit.

It's frustrating but just be kind, positive and nice but with definite bouts of "interested concern" re his lack of mixing / taking part and see how it pans out.