Teenage daughter groomed and now married

[julizh]

My teenage daughter of 19 has been groomed on the internet and has now married a bengali man without my knowledge. Coincidentally his visa is soon expiring. There are a number of twists to this case so we have reported to the authorities but in the meantime I am so worried about what will happen to her when he gets his visa. The authorities may not investigate and if they do they seem to be pretty tied up with the Olympics and this is likely to get pushed to the back of the queue. I really need to talk to someone about this - is there anyone who has experienced this who can offer some advice or has any knowledge of how these people operate?

So why doesn't she come home to you?
Then if he tries to force her back, the police can get involved.

YY you could speak to Women's Aid about this, or a local domestic violence helpline (google for one) just for advice. You wouldn't have to give your name and they would not contact your DD directly (in case her H saw the contact first). But they have experience in these matters and can help you with the best way to support her.

If she is "allowed" to visit you can you & your family not persuade her to stay & whisk her off somewhere safe where he can't find her?

If she wants to leave but isn't strong enough it sounds to me like she's asking for someone else to take control regardless of her age.

That sounds like good advice Bertie Botts. Relationships board might be the most useful place.
I've known several relationships where the couple have been happy but the parents have done everything in their power to break up a relationship they disapproved of on race grounds. So only hearing one side of a story can be misleading, even if the OP doesn't intend it to be so.

I cannot give full details of the case but I know for sure that documents have been falsified for his visa application. There was a 3rd party immigtation consultant involved - she was told to sign the form and she did. The conversations have been conducted in bengali and when she asked them to speak in english she was told everything would be ok. He is not here illegally but his visa runs out at the end of September.
the money she is giving him is on top of the rent she has to pay. He tells her that he cant get any work at the moment and that he has had to borrow money from a friend and he has to pay him back.

My daughter doesnt like it that he wont me meet but just keeps saying next time I will meet and the next time never comes because he makes an excuse.
My daughter is vulnerable in that although she is 19 she is very immature. She thought this was all about the fairytale love affair although she is now beginning to see that things are amiss and that this is not a normal relationship.
My problem is getting her to realise this before her mind gets messed up even more. she came home last weekend and spilt the beans. She had shown us documents on her lap top and was prepared to go to report him. Her only problem was that she said she had feelings for him. When we woke up on Monday morning she had gone. We think she had been picked up during the night. the mistake I made was not to take her phone away from her overnight. Now she is back with him again and the only messages we get from her when we try to communicate is that she is fine.

Bertie - We're not being fools for asking why cant she "just walk out" we are asking because OP has not explained herself very well and this is really just to help her explain a bit better. At the end of the day, none of us are experts so we can't just jump to conclusions without getting a bit more facts.

OP what area are you in? have you thought about trying to ask for help from within the Benglai community, either online through Muslim forums, or through Bengalis in your area that you may know, other mums, GPs, business men, at the mosque etc?

The majority of people find this kind of behaviour disgusting and will want to help. Even if you get them to help on the premise that their marriage is not valid islamically etc then it is still help to get your daughter away from him.

You can't just whisk her away, though, she is an adult. She has to want to leave, even though that's heartbreaking to watch.

All you can do is be there for her when she wants to leave, especially if she needs to leave in a hurry. I don't think you can say that to her in so many words - it sounds like she is already worried that she's told you too much. So just keep making blanket statements like you will support her always whatever she chooses to do and how you will always be there if she needs you, there will always be a bed for her at home and to call if she needs anything at all. Don't bring up the subject of leaving unless she brings it up, or expresses unhappiness. The worst thing to do would be to scare her away.

I don't think it was a mistake not to take her phone from her. If you did that would make you as controlling as him. She needs to leave of her own free choice. Sin is legally an adult and unless she has special needs then you need to treat her as one.

She might not be ready to leave yet and so you will need to wait supportively until she is.

Nothing you have said yet makes me think he has any intention of abducting her if she leaves or harming her physically yet you mention repercussions. What do you mean by that?

True Gunz :)

You can't apply for marriAge visas after the event in this country

thanks everyone for your your suggestions.

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I'd phone the local police station if you're worried and ask and see what they make of the situation. I think they'd be sympathetic. But any complaint would have to come from her. Does she want to leave. I am assuming she does want to leave but cannot get up the courage at the moment.

I think this is one for Legal, and for Relationships.

What a frightening situation for both you and your daughter, OP. 19 is so young; it's going to take her a lot of courage to accept that she married a controlling man, and to step away.

The best thing you can do is to listen to her, and encourage her to talk. Do not give advice, do not tell her how awful you think he is or how vulnerable you think she is. Just keep asking her open questions ("who - what - where - when - why" rather than "yes - no" questions), as realisations are easiest to come by when they come out of our own mouths: so the more you ask your daughter about her day to day life, the more she is likely to realise that it is not healthy or normal, as she hears herself describe it.

When she is talking to you, validate her feelings. "Oh poor you!", "That must feel so lonely", etc. Show her that it's ok for her to feel bad about her living conditions: she is being made to normalise things, to think that all this is normal and ok. If an outside person validates her hidden, niggling doubts that her living conditions right now are not ok, it will strengthen her resolve to eventually leave.

The key thing here is that she has to choose to leave for herself: tempting as it is, you can't swoop in and save her. The first barrier to ending an abusive and controlling relationship is the victim's vested interest in believing it's all ok, and hanging on to the hope that it will get better. The mental work of accepting that it is a controlling situation that won't change and that she can't tolerate is work that she will have to do for herself, in her own time. The best way you can help her get there is just to listen, and validate her feelings.

Legally, there is probably a lot more you can do re: the bogus visa application, but that is not something I have any knowledge of, sorry. Do try Legal though.

Bertis -

Besides hasn't the law changed so that if you want to marry a foreigner, you have to marry the person in their own country and live there for 6 months first before you can come to the u.k as husband and wife ??? I may have this mudfled up a bit but im sure you to get married in the other person's country.

Im sure someone in the know will correct me soon.

Sorry for the typos! Ipad syndrome.

thanks this is really good advice - its the realisation that it is not normal which is the key then hopefully she will get the strength to get out. I cant save her - this is the nightmare for me. When your child is under the age of 18 you have a certain amount of control - I could swoop in and save her - now she is passed this I have no control. this is very hard to accept.

I feel like the fact that he is Bengali, may have married her to stay in the country and has falsified some documents are a bit irrelevant at the moment.

Perhaps focus on the aspects that do matter such as that he is controlling and a cocklodger and that she isn't happy.

If you go on about how he is Bengali and shouldn't even be in the country you might drive her away as she might just think you are being unfair or bigoted towards him.

I think the fact that he has "falsified" documents to get married is a very big part of all this and part of the key to freeing OP's DD, if it can be proven.

But i don't think it should be what is focused on when dealing with the daughter. Try to free her all you like but if she doesn't want to be freed it will be seen by her as her mum splitting up her marriage.

Its being talked about on here as though its a foregone conclusion that the daughter is waiting to be rescued. So far all has happened is that she one day told her mum that she wasn't that happy but then went home to her husband in the middle of the night. Perhaps she changed her mind? We don't know as of course we only have her mums side of it. And that side includes wanting to take her daughters phone from her so that she has to stay, behaviour which is as controlling as the husbands.

It would be very interesting to be able to hear this from the daughters perspective.

It doesn't sound like a relationship i would want to be in but then Im not the daughter and she is not me.

Foreign nationals (ie non-EU) can get married in the UK and apply for leave in the UK without going home, provided they were legally resident in the UK on a visa which allowed them to switch status. Eg a Tier 1 worker could, but not a visitor.

It's not the police who need to be involved, it's the UK Border Agency.

Poopoo- yes i agree, OP has to be careful she also doesnt divulge too much info. here, never know who might be online reading bearing in mind he found OP's dd on the internet in the first place.

There's been some very good advice by some posters here OP, are you perhaps clearer what your next steps should be ? Someone asked you to PM them, perhaps this is someone with first hand experience, please check your inbx if you haven't.

I also have a very good indian muslim friend, i could ring her and ask her advice. Be careful.

thanks very much everyone for your your messages. Most of what you have said has already been said to me. If anyone does come accross a support group that would be good. there is nothing worse than knowing your child is desparately unhappy and possibly in danger and having to put your faith into the system to sort it out.

Why is it that you think she might be in danger exactly? Do you think he might became physically abusive? What makes you think that, because he is controlling or something else? Or because on the people he is surrounded by?

I don't really understand that.