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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage daughter groomed and now married

52 replies

julizh · 15/07/2012 17:45

My teenage daughter of 19 has been groomed on the internet and has now married a bengali man without my knowledge. Coincidentally his visa is soon expiring. There are a number of twists to this case so we have reported to the authorities but in the meantime I am so worried about what will happen to her when he gets his visa. The authorities may not investigate and if they do they seem to be pretty tied up with the Olympics and this is likely to get pushed to the back of the queue. I really need to talk to someone about this - is there anyone who has experienced this who can offer some advice or has any knowledge of how these people operate?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 15/07/2012 17:49

What makes you think a crime has been committed at all ? Confused

Original poster
julizh · 15/07/2012 17:52

my daughter has given me information about falsification of documents.

OP posts:
TheMonster · 15/07/2012 17:53

Have you met him?
Does she live with you, or with him now?
How old is he?

LaurieFairyCake · 15/07/2012 17:55

Are you saying that you think he has only married her to get to remain in this country?

What does your daughter think? Does she think she's in love?

Original poster
julizh · 15/07/2012 17:56

he wont meet us. he is 29 she is 19 she lives with him. when ever she comes home she gets a call and she has to go back. He has got into her head and he is controlling her. We need to break the control.

OP posts:
Original poster
julizh · 15/07/2012 17:56

my daughter thinks shes in love.

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 15/07/2012 17:57

If she lives with him can't go go round and meet him?

FamiliesShareGerms · 15/07/2012 17:59

What advice are you after? Immigration? Abuse?

GailTheGoldfish · 15/07/2012 18:00

Julizh, I saw your post on the other thread and saw the that you referred to your daughter as 'vulnerable', do you mean that in a legal sense or just that you feel she is in a vulnerable situation right now? Do you think that she is able to understand the full implications of getting married? And which authorities have you contacted?

FallenCaryatid · 15/07/2012 18:00

She was groomed on the internet? Does he not live in the same area as you?
How long have they known each other?
Does she have a job, and money of her own?
If you have reported any illegalities to the authorities, that's all you can do as she's an adult.

Original poster
julizh · 15/07/2012 18:04

I just need a support group to talk to people who have been through the same thing. It is difficult to understand unless you have been through it. All the suggestions people have made I have done thought about. She has to give him half of her salary month she has no control over her life and she wants out but doesnt have the strength to do it. We cant snatch her back. She would have to be protected these people are not going to let her go lightly. This could have implications for the rest of the family. This is why I need to speak to anyone else who has been through this.

OP posts:
FallenCaryatid · 15/07/2012 18:05

I think one of the problems that you have is that 'Forced marriage' usually refers to situations where the girl is unwilling but is forced to marry through pressure exerted by family. So groups set up to support those women have a somewhat different agenda.
If your adult daughter is married, there is little you can do about it unless there is evidence of fraud.

FallenCaryatid · 15/07/2012 18:07

'She has to give him half of her salary month she has no control over her life and she wants out but doesnt have the strength to do it. We cant snatch her back.'

So she could leave and come back to live with you. She is free to do that, she cannot be held captive. Why would you need to snatch her back? Confused

Original poster
julizh · 15/07/2012 18:08

yes you are right but if he gets his visa then whats next? Does he dispose of her or does he use her for other things?

OP posts:
Original poster
julizh · 15/07/2012 18:10

because she is being controlled in some way.

OP posts:
FallenCaryatid · 15/07/2012 18:15

You aren't making a lot of sense to me.

Gunznroses · 15/07/2012 18:16

OP Why do you think your DD wants to leave this man ? If she does, why can she not just walk out and come and live with you like someone already suggested ? OR are you insinuating that there could be "serious repercussions " for doing this ?

SoggySummer · 15/07/2012 18:19

God how awful.

Maybe once he has his Visa he wont want her and then she'll some running home???

How long until his visa comes through?

Also how do you knoe she was groomed?? Over the internet?? Do you still have the computer??? I am thinking about evidence.

Sorry I have no practical advice - what a horrid situation. Am very sorry for you and yoiur DD. Hope someone more in the know can offer you some practical advice soon.

FamiliesShareGerms · 15/07/2012 18:21

julizh - have PMed you

PooPooInMyToes · 15/07/2012 18:23

Is he harming her emotionally, physically?

In theory her giving him half her wages could just be seen as her paying her way.

If you feel he is controlling and abusive then Im not surprised you are worried about her.

So he is here illegally and you have reported him is that right?

Have you asked your daughter why he won't meet you? Does she think that is a normal way for a newlywed couple to behave? Does he give her a reason for that?

Gunznroses · 15/07/2012 18:24

Julizh - you sound very very worried, but unless you explain the situation properly we won't know how to help or what advice to give.

Original poster
julizh · 15/07/2012 18:25

there could be serious repercussions. My daughter has told us how unhappy she is. she is being emotionally blackmailed she has no friends. she comes home from work sits in her bedroom listening to music because the rest of her housemates and her husband sit and talk in bengali. she is told off for not doing enough housework and cooking for the others and when she complains about the mess the others leave she is told to be quiet and that she is being rude.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 15/07/2012 18:26

If she is unhappy then perhaps she will leave him? Is she aware that she is welcome home any time?

Does she have low confidence and self esteem? Friends?

Gunznroses · 15/07/2012 18:28

Now this makes more sense! So it sounds like she's being help captive almost. Is she followed when she leaves the house ? How do you know this is happening, can she call you ? Have you though about contacting a Woman's refuge ?

BertieBotts · 15/07/2012 18:30

It's not easy to "just walk out" of a controlling relationship Hmm

Sounds like you're in a really difficult situation OP. It's important you don't alienate yourself from your DD - keep up contact as much as you can even if she does have to go home in the middle of a visit, and express that you are worried about her if anything comes up, but don't keep telling her how awful he is as you will just push her away.

There are lots of souls on the Relationships board who have experience of controlling/abusive relationships and who may be able to help from that side of things, and I suggest posting in Legal issues about the marriage issue if you believe it to be fraudulent.