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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Think my 15yo ds is gay and having sex

51 replies

WingingItBadly · 30/06/2012 13:01

He is very close to a lad who is a year older. I've posted more elsewhere but not sure anyone reads that thread.

He has changed (for the better) since J had been around. They seemed very intense last night. This morning I found poo tinged sex stains on his sheet.

I have no problem with him being gay or bum sex for that matter, but I am worried that he is too young. The fact that he has not told us that he is gay yet makes me think he is not ready to be penetrated, even if J is a lovely lad. I'm worried that he is going further than he is ready for, to keep in with J or maybe under presure from him.

How do I raise the subject when I cannot be really certain that he is gay. Dd might know as they are very close, but I don't think she would tell me even if she knew. Dh is useless, immediately in denial the moment I raised the possibility. Says it is just a bromance, but do bromances include anal sex?

Should I just ask outright or wait for him to say?

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningForNow · 30/06/2012 14:09

As a bisexual, I suggest you have a gender neutral safe sex chat with him. DO NOT push him about his sexuality. I cannot stress this enough.
It will drive him deeper into the closet if he is indeed gay. It's a very personal choice to 'come out,' and you want him to come to you when and if he does. If you push too hard he may not. I speak from experience.

TheSpokenNerd · 30/06/2012 14:09

your son should also understand that anal sex is not an expected and usual part of gay life...many gay men do not indulge. They do other stuff. It's all down to preference and this is where a youth support group can really help.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 30/06/2012 14:10

But if he does enjoy anal sex that's okay too.

LynetteScavo · 30/06/2012 14:12

Yes, I am aware condoms are contraception Hmm but he won't need contraception, he's unlikely to get anyone pregnant, he will need condoms. Preferably extra thick safe ones.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 30/06/2012 14:15

I think the point is condoms ARE contraception. Against STI's, not pregnancy obviously in the case of gay sex/anal sex.

Original poster
WingingItBadly · 30/06/2012 14:31

Justfabulous no it's not about me. It was with dd to some extent. I don't want to know the details or to interfere, just to be sure he's sure and knows I'm here regardless.

All - stupidly I'd not thought about contraception even though it was my obsession with dd. I'm thinking he is Js first too but am also thinking I can't put off a conversation if some sort.

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningForNow · 30/06/2012 14:35

I strongly, strongly suggest...No I beg you not to push him about his sexuality. It happened to me (not by my mum) and it took me so much longer to accept who I was because like all young teenagers, I was confused, experimenting and not sure. Being pushed (even though it was from a kind place) only added to my confusion and made me feel as though I was being labelled.

Definitely have the safe sex talk though.

AMumInScotland · 30/06/2012 14:40

You can always start conversations with "I was just realising how much you've been maturing recently and it made me think we've never really talked about...." and then pick a topic. STDs are a biggy, even if this is a first for both of them. And "don't feel pushed / make sure it feels like your own choice"

I'm loving the definition of condoms for gay men being contraception, it just shows how much more people read into the word than the technical meaning "against conception". But yes its something that he neds to understand about - random leaflets or a teenage book are ways of getting it across if he doesn't seem able to listen to you saying it (or you find it hard to say).

It is weird to have a whole area of your "child"'s life that dosn't include you, but he is still 15 and legally a child, however much he might think otherwise, so you have to do what you can to keep him safe same as when you bought him a bike helmet etc.

Original poster
WingingItBadly · 30/06/2012 14:58

Thanks for all the advice. Safe sex and not forcing him to label himself before he is ready are such important points. Am bracing myself for the conversation. Ds had texted dd about whether she thinks I'd let him go to Spain with J - just J no parents. Surprised she told me but it is a clear no. Know I need to have the full chat now. Don't want him to think its no to J, just no to Spain.

DH and dd have been ordered out and am awaiting his return! No doubt dd has warned him. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
WandaDoff · 30/06/2012 15:08

WIB

perhaps, even, show him this thread.

Say you are ready when he is, & before if nessecary (SP?)

Just let him become comfortable being himself.

Be there to catch him if you can. Let him know that he has your support. x

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 30/06/2012 15:25

I wouldn't show him this thread. He'd be mortified.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 30/06/2012 15:35

If you have found sheets like that, then he is likely having unprotected sex and you need to talk to him. As soon as you can.

Original poster
WingingItBadly · 30/06/2012 17:19

Talk over and on my second glass of ' rescue remedy'. Will need to open the red at this rate!

Ds made me proud. He came in saying we needed to talk. As some of you suggested, he's not sure if he's gay but I made it clear he didn't need to decide. He's clearly very much in love with J. Raised the sex issue. Seems they've been experimenting. Made my feelings clear re his age boundaries and condoms. He has promised to come back alone tonight. Tomorrow we'll pull our wellies on and take the dog out for a long walk and talk some more.so proud of my little boy!

Thanks all once again for your advice

OP posts:
UnChartered · 30/06/2012 17:25

you should be proud of yourself too Winging

it's a bit of a shock sometimes when we realise our 'babies' are young adults, but sounds like you're doing a great job there

well-deserved Wine later for sure Smile

SardineQueen · 30/06/2012 17:26

Wow that's great wingingit

What a great son, and you're a great mum Smile

scentednappyhag · 30/06/2012 17:27

Only just caught up on this thread, but wanted to say well done for handling it so sensitively, and for bringing up what sounds like a lovely and mature son Smile
Glad it's worked out so well for you both OP!

trockodile · 30/06/2012 17:36

Hi, I have just recommended these books on another thread today, but thought it may be worth doing so on here too!
TJ Klune and Jay Bell have both written some really good teen novels which deal with love and relationships as well as sex. I really enjoyed them (although am neither gay nor a teen!)
Jay bell has also done some interesting YouTube videos about all sorts of things including his books, coming out and life with his husband Andreas in Germany. -they seem to have such a lovely relationship and talked about such things as monogamy. Here is us website which links to his YouTube etc. www.jaybellbooks.com
Good luck to you and your son, he sounds lovely and it is good that he can talk to you!

Original poster
WingingItBadly · 30/06/2012 18:55

Thanks trocadile

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningForNow · 30/06/2012 22:51

Winging that's so wonderful! So happy for you and your DS Grin

Original poster
WingingItBadly · 01/07/2012 15:54

Quick update. Had nice walk and talk with ds. Had a restless night worrying about it but turned out fine.
Joy number 1 - third time he's worn his £70 wellies!
Joy number 2- he really opened up.

He's agreed that he's probably gone further with J than he intended. Also has taken the safer sex message on board.

He thinks he probably is gay but hasn't had much experience of girls to be sure. The girls in his year only go for older lads. Admit I was a bit shocked to hear that he is by no means the only lad to go with another boy as a consequence. But he can recognize the difference between sex and feelings.
Feel better that J is bot exploiting him. Actually J is in a more difficult place, his parents are religious and he is very afraid of them finding out. Relaxed my views about boundaries a little as a result. But I did make clear that at 15 there were rules!

Overall my love and respect for ds gave only grown Smile. He'll turn out to be twice the man dh Sad who has been a big let down of late. He seems to think a good shag can make up for being a complete dick about his son!!

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningForNow · 01/07/2012 16:02

Wonderful update, I'm so happy for your family!

Your DS sounds like a confident, balanced young man. He will grow to be so, so, so strong.

Original poster
WingingItBadly · 01/07/2012 16:07

Thank you. Yes he will

Shame his dad isn'tAngry

OP posts:
nannyof3 · 01/07/2012 16:55

Ok, just talk generally about sex with him..

Most important think is condoms..

Buy some for him or leave them in his room

nannyof3 · 01/07/2012 17:08

Sorry didnt read all the thread...

Glad u had a chat Smile

Still buy the condoms tho

custardismyhamster · 01/07/2012 20:27

Well handled, OP. Your son is now even more sure that he can speak to mum about anything-I wish I'd had that with my parents and I hope my kids feel that way about me, when I have them.

And how grown up of DS :)