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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Think my 15yo ds is gay and having sex

51 replies

WingingItBadly · 30/06/2012 13:01

He is very close to a lad who is a year older. I've posted more elsewhere but not sure anyone reads that thread.

He has changed (for the better) since J had been around. They seemed very intense last night. This morning I found poo tinged sex stains on his sheet.

I have no problem with him being gay or bum sex for that matter, but I am worried that he is too young. The fact that he has not told us that he is gay yet makes me think he is not ready to be penetrated, even if J is a lovely lad. I'm worried that he is going further than he is ready for, to keep in with J or maybe under presure from him.

How do I raise the subject when I cannot be really certain that he is gay. Dd might know as they are very close, but I don't think she would tell me even if she knew. Dh is useless, immediately in denial the moment I raised the possibility. Says it is just a bromance, but do bromances include anal sex?

Should I just ask outright or wait for him to say?

OP posts:
WandaDoff · 30/06/2012 13:06

Wait for him to say, my love.

My DB was doing this kind of crap at 15 & we all knew but we just had to wait until he was ready to talk.

Just make it clear that you are open & loving & let him tell you when he is ready.

Just make your unconditional love & support clear to him. Thats the best you can do.

Speaking 15yrs on from that point, he'll let you know when he's ready.

braindeadfred · 30/06/2012 13:08
Biscuit
WandaDoff · 30/06/2012 13:13

Don't want to mince words but,

Fuck off braindeadfred

If you can't say anything useful then just don't bother.

braindeadfred · 30/06/2012 13:27

"Poo tinged sex stains/ bum sex/ penetrated" - just seemed a bit...explicit. Sorry.

If genuine...maybe start a conversation about someone you know or a celeb who is openly gay (and in a relationship) and how lovely it seems? Without making it too obvious or contrived.

tittytittyhanghang · 30/06/2012 13:34

^^ how the fuck will starting a thread about some one she knows, or a celeb who is openly gay, help the op deal with her son???

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 30/06/2012 13:37

It's no more explicit than any of the thread about heterosexuality sex FFS.

braindeadfred · 30/06/2012 13:38

Not a thread! A conversation! Like, in real life?

nearlythereyet · 30/06/2012 13:39

I think she meant to have that sort of conversation with the son.

What Wanda said, OP. just be there for him.

fivegomadindorset · 30/06/2012 13:41

OP be there for him and let him tell yu in his own time, but, and not sure how you will go about this, have a general chat about safe sex?

AMumInScotland · 30/06/2012 13:44

I think you can talk about relationships and the pressure to go further than you really want because you don't want to lose someone, without talking about what gender that "someone" might be.

And you can consider whether you'd allow him to be alone with a partner (of either gender) with the door shut while he's still 15 - parents vary in whether they are ok with turning a blind eye rather than have them doing it elsewhere (whether penetration or other activities) or whether they put limits on the possibilities. Though if they're going to, at 15, they'll find opportunities anyway!

I don't think you should talk in terms of him being gay - it may not be as "all or nothing" for him as that and you risk seeming intrusive. Keep it about more general relationship advice, which will help whether its a guy or a girl now or in the future.

(titty - I think Fred was suggesting a conversation with her son about celebs, not a thread about them)

SardineQueen · 30/06/2012 13:53

I agree with AMIS he is at an age where a conversation about relationships / not being persuaded to do things you don't want / that sort of stuff would be good anyway and you don't need to mention the gay thing at all.

i guess in a funny sort of way - the things you are worrying about are the sort of things you would worry about with a heterosexual daughter - think what you would say to DD if at 15 you were worried about a boyfriend who you thought might hold the power in a relationship. Not saying gay men are like women of course Grin but the concerns re older / predatory males and the higher risk of STI are closer.

You need to talk to him about the importance of protection - if there were sex stains in the bed I assume you mean semen and so it doesn't sound like they used a condom. If he is gay then safe sex is a v important message.

Original poster
WingingItBadly · 30/06/2012 13:54

Dropdeadfred I'm sorry you think it's explicit to talk about sex. I did the don't think the words and it will not be happening stuff when dd started having sex. It's crap, unhealthy crap. When ds is able to talk to me I will not shy away from using real words and not crappy euphemisms.

Thanks all though. I guess patience is the real message. It is so difficult though. I love him so much and hate the fact that I don't know about that part of him.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 30/06/2012 13:54

Well safe sex is very important for everyone but anal sex is high transmission risk for all sorts of things.

TheSpokenNerd · 30/06/2012 13:58

I agree that a warning of grossness migt have been appropriate on this thread...but OP that's not because it's gay sex you are discussing but the details.
I agree tht you need to talk about the risks and make sure he is using contraception...maybe find a local gay support group for teens too.

tittytittyhanghang · 30/06/2012 13:59

oops Blush sorry sorry

PurplePidjin · 30/06/2012 13:59

Make sure he's got access to decent protection!

Google your local youth service to find info on local LGBT support groups for teens. If he goes to youth club he may be aware already, but it wouldn't hurt for him to find a leaflet that's just happened to come through the door and be waiting on the mat for him...

Your dh needs to get his head around the fact that your son is your son. From an outside point of view, you might be better supporting him to come to terms with the possibility than in trying to force your ds out of the closet and risk alienating him. He will tell you if there's something he needs you to know, and when he feels comfortable doing so.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 30/06/2012 13:59

Interesting how the 'eww it's gross make sure there's a warning' only ever pops up on gay sex threads.

But no one here has an issue with gay people. Nope, no way, no how.

JustFabulous · 30/06/2012 13:59

You think you should know about your child's sex life? Confused Surely he is allowed privacy? This isn't about you, though, is it?

TheSpokenNerd · 30/06/2012 14:03

Lurking poo stained sex stains would have the same reacion if it were straight sex...I promise you love...it IS gross to come across that.

LynetteScavo · 30/06/2012 14:03

If he's gay he won't need contraception, he'll need condoms.

This would be my first concern.

UnChartered · 30/06/2012 14:03

if you think your DC is having penetrative sex with anyone, i think it's really important to have the safe sex message out in the open

it's worth a 10 minute 'most embarrassing chat ever' than 30 min clinic appt and then perhaps a lifetime of having to explain and talk about an STD?

make a tub/box available in a discrete (sp?) place and even take some out yourself (if you don't use them) so it won't be obvious they can be counted?

i agree, name-dropping positive stories about gay celebs and gay friends might be a conversation starter for you, but easy on the hints if you're not too sure if he's ready to talk or not

LynetteScavo · 30/06/2012 14:05

And yes, if he is 15, and still a child, the OP should know about her child's sex life.

Especially if he can't be bothered to change his own sheets.

PurplePidjin · 30/06/2012 14:06

"I think my 15yo is having sex" should be quite enough warning for anyone with half an ounce of sense Hmm

WandaDoff · 30/06/2012 14:07

WingingItBadly I know it feels odd, but it is good that you don't know everything about DS. Did your parents know everything about you?

Just make sure he knows that you will be there for support if needed.

Its healthy to go & discover your limits out of your comfort zone.

It's also healthy to know that there is somebody who loves you no matter what, & that is where you come in.

You are MUM. You play it right with the support & he'll get the security he desperately needs.

Play the long game my love x

Please feel free to PM me, I could ramble on indefininely on this matter.

Much love & support xxx

TheSpokenNerd · 30/06/2012 14:08

Lynette condoms ARE contraception. OP there are all kinds of things your DS should have education about regarding his sex life...things you won't' know about necassarily....did you know for example that gay men sometimes use Dental Dams? For oral sex? not only gay men...but straght people....because of the risks of injury which are involved in gay sex, dental dams are sometimes advised for oral sex.