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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

publicly humiliated on FB - devastated.

61 replies

hattifattner · 17/06/2012 09:48

Last night my DD, 15, announced that we were to collect her from a party at 11.

We had previously told her she could go to the party, but needed to arrange lifts too and from, as we frequently end up playing taxi to everyone elses kids, and we felt she needs to take responsibility.

She said she had arranged a lift there, but we had to collect her and her friend back.

Of course its very easy to be the parents that take them at 7:30, not so much when you have to collect them at 11. We declined, she threw a wobbler, but arranged something.

ALso, DH was away all last week, and is away all next week, so I wanted a night in with him with a couple of glasses of wine - i didnt want to have to stay sober to go and get her at 11, (as if Im driving, I dont drink.)

She wrote on facebook that we were staying in to get drunk while making her walk home 35+ mins. Broadcast to all her friends, many of whom are my friends and relatives. Only her grandparents and parents restricted from this post. We saw it at around 9:30/ 10ish

She claimed she had a lift home and would be leaving the party at 11. By 11:30, no sign, so DH went to fetch her.

As a point of order, we have an alcohol meter at home, and both of us were under the legal driving limit. SO hardly a drunken night in.

So now all her friends and many of my friends think Im a negligent drunk. WHile I know my friends will ask me what the story is, her friends will just accept her version of events. Im so embarrassed and humiliated.

If this wasnt bad enough, last week we finally decided to pursue our dream of becoming foster parents, and sent the forms off on Friday.

I feel very strongly that she must accept the consequences of her actions. I dont know what to say to her or what I will do now.

Thismorning she left the house with a backpack at 7:15 and went running off. I have no idea where she is, and have text her to say she must be home by 10am. Ive had no response.

She writes a GCSE tomorrow morning.

WHat do I do?

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 17/06/2012 09:52

Laugh it off if people mention it?

I'm sure she'll be home soon.

I could be wrong, but I'd be surprised if Fostering Services would take much notice of Facebook daftness.

PurplePidjin · 17/06/2012 09:56

Re the facebook, i would either ignore it or comment "Wow, drama llama much!" preferably with much lolling and other "old person tries to be cool" stuff that teenagers just love so much...

Re the running off, start phoning parents of friends. Make it clear she's having a silly teenage strop and that you want her home so you can discuss it rationally.

You haven't been "embarrassed and humiliated" because none of your friends will believe it, and none of her friends will give a shiny shite Wink

Alurkatsoftplay · 17/06/2012 09:56

No one will think you're a negligent drunk. Well, her teenage friends might but they think that about all adults surely?

Hold your line. It's not publicly humiliating you - she's showing herself to be a stroppy teen i.e normal.

Llareggub · 17/06/2012 09:59

I have no experience of 15 year olds, but to me, granting permission to stay out until 11 at that age is tricky. Too young, really, to get home alone and totally reliant upon adults for lifts. I'd also be concerned about her getting a lift with an older teen and getting herself into a difficult situation. Yep, I've been there.

I think you should have been willing to pick her up or just not allowed her to go.

TheProvincialLady · 17/06/2012 10:01

Good grief, she's the teenager not you. Who cares what a load of 14 year olds think of your parenting? And on that subject, if I was you I would be stopping her from going to these parties if she can't be trusted to come home on time and posts offensive stuff about you on facebook. As for her running off at 7.15am with a backpack, what exactly is she so aggrieved about? Your husband collecting her from the party when she was already late? Don't be drawn into her drama. I would imagine she will start to feel pretty silly soon.

NiceHamione · 17/06/2012 10:01

I don't know why you didn't just pick her up.

How odd to have an alcohol meter at home.

savoycabbage · 17/06/2012 10:02

I don't think people will think you are drunkards! Just laugh it off (with other people) and tell dd not to say stuff about you on FB or you and dh will pick her up in matching nightclothes next time.

Rabid · 17/06/2012 10:03

Gah.
The parents will know it's crap.
I'd speak firmly to her abd remove Internet privileges.

Rabid · 17/06/2012 10:05

You do sound a little up your own though. If you never drub abd drive why to you need an alcohol meter ?

FizzyLaces · 17/06/2012 10:06

Ask her to delete the comment. No big deal. Most of the people you are worried about having seen it won't even have logged on and the rest will have missed it. You are worrying too much about this.

You need to track her down, though. Her running away is very serious.

And if you let a 15yo out until 11pm, you are responsible for how said child gets home even if it means getting them a cab.

Toughasoldboots · 17/06/2012 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BonnieBumble · 17/06/2012 10:10

Nobody will take any notice of her fb statuses, they will just think she is a little immature.

My brother has an 18 year old, she is always harping on about her parents staying in and getting drunk whilst she has to try and get a taxi (poor her). She also writes about her parents having hangovers, we all know it's just her being a drama queen, my db and sil have 1/2 bottle of wine at the most.

ledkr · 17/06/2012 10:10

Can i just say that if you are going to foster then you will probably find that having to pop out to pick up a teenager at 11pm will count as a quiet night Grin just saying.

ledkr · 17/06/2012 10:12

bonnie My ds thinks he has it hard because "other parents buy their ds a car and give them a job in the family business" Disclaimer-we do not have a family business Grin

BonnieBumble · 17/06/2012 10:12

I agree with the posters who say that you should have ensured she had a lift home first.

If you can't pick her up I would prebook a taxi, she can pay half out of her pocket money.

hattifattner · 17/06/2012 10:13

nicehamione, it was bought as a gift last year as a laugh - but they are remarkably handy to have, as you can determine if you are safe to drive if there is any doubt.

Clearly you wouldnt drink half a bottle of scotch and then drive, but after a couple of glasses of wine, you might think you are OK, but really you could be over the limit? You can buy them in halfords for about a tenner.

As for why we didnt pick her up: We had already told her that if she wanted to go, she needed to arrange lifts as we were not going to come and get her. When she didnt arrive home, we checked if we were over the limit and DH fetched her. Her lift arrived at the same time as DH did. We were concerned that she had lied about the lift and was walking home.

I guess I am very hurt and angry at her.

OP posts:
flow4 · 17/06/2012 10:14

Goodness, Hatti, don't waste any energy at all worrying about teenage gossip on Facebook! You said 'no' to your daughter, she didn't like it and tried to 'get back' at you. Don't let her succeed!

Anyone who matters will take FB gossip with a pinch of salt, or will ask you, if they really need to know what happened. Anyone who believes your daughter's lie without talking to you doesn't matter.

If it were me, I might find myself coincidentally unable to take her to the next couple of parties she wants to attend. I might joke about it: "Sorry darling, I cant; you know me, I'll be drunk by teatime!" Wink

But more likely, I'd give it to her straight: "I didn't like being lied about, and I don't feel like doing you a favour right now. When you have apologised and shown us you respect us and appreciate the favours we do for you already, we will be happy to start giving you lifts again".

Rabid · 17/06/2012 10:14

But you never drink drive.
Odd. Plus you're way over reacting

AgentProvocateur · 17/06/2012 10:15

Refraining from drinking so you can do a party pick-up (or paying for taxis) is part and parcel of parenting a teen, IMO.

BonnieBumble · 17/06/2012 10:15

I can understand you being hurt but honestly her fb is mild compared to what a lot of teenagers write on there. People really won't think anything of it.

PurplePidjin · 17/06/2012 10:15

If one of my mates' teenagers posted that i would find it hilarious and rib the dc unmercifully about their budding career in Hollyoaks, btw Wink (i'm a youth worker and have been roped in by a couple of people to help keep an eye)

Actually, the yp at the club i work at would take a fair bit of piss out of someone who turned up with your dc's tale, OP :o

Rabid · 17/06/2012 10:16

And so is saying "it's not convenient this week". IMO

Plus. She's going exams. Why partying ?

Chubfuddler · 17/06/2012 10:18

I think you should be a bit more concerned about where she is now than feeling all aggrieved about some silly fb status. It may well be annoying playing mum taxi, but you (or Dh) should either have agreed to pick her up or she shouldn't have gone. Would it have been ok if the lift she had arranged for herself was a half cut 17 year old who had been driving for six weeks? I can't understand why you would want to risk that.
Get off mn and find your daughter.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 17/06/2012 10:18

I think you are over-thinking this whole thing to be honest. No-one with half an ounce of sense takes too much notice of Facebook statuses, especially those written by teens.

RedBlanket · 17/06/2012 10:18

Don't all teenagers complain about how awful their parents are? Laugh it off