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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

publicly humiliated on FB - devastated.

61 replies

hattifattner · 17/06/2012 09:48

Last night my DD, 15, announced that we were to collect her from a party at 11.

We had previously told her she could go to the party, but needed to arrange lifts too and from, as we frequently end up playing taxi to everyone elses kids, and we felt she needs to take responsibility.

She said she had arranged a lift there, but we had to collect her and her friend back.

Of course its very easy to be the parents that take them at 7:30, not so much when you have to collect them at 11. We declined, she threw a wobbler, but arranged something.

ALso, DH was away all last week, and is away all next week, so I wanted a night in with him with a couple of glasses of wine - i didnt want to have to stay sober to go and get her at 11, (as if Im driving, I dont drink.)

She wrote on facebook that we were staying in to get drunk while making her walk home 35+ mins. Broadcast to all her friends, many of whom are my friends and relatives. Only her grandparents and parents restricted from this post. We saw it at around 9:30/ 10ish

She claimed she had a lift home and would be leaving the party at 11. By 11:30, no sign, so DH went to fetch her.

As a point of order, we have an alcohol meter at home, and both of us were under the legal driving limit. SO hardly a drunken night in.

So now all her friends and many of my friends think Im a negligent drunk. WHile I know my friends will ask me what the story is, her friends will just accept her version of events. Im so embarrassed and humiliated.

If this wasnt bad enough, last week we finally decided to pursue our dream of becoming foster parents, and sent the forms off on Friday.

I feel very strongly that she must accept the consequences of her actions. I dont know what to say to her or what I will do now.

Thismorning she left the house with a backpack at 7:15 and went running off. I have no idea where she is, and have text her to say she must be home by 10am. Ive had no response.

She writes a GCSE tomorrow morning.

WHat do I do?

OP posts:

Whatnamethistime · 17/06/2012 10:19

You are over reacting to a typical teenage rant - she will be back soon enough.
I'd make her delete and take Internet down for a whole to make the point.

weatherrain · 17/06/2012 10:20

I think it's selfish to tell your 15 year old child to find her own way back. Why let her go in the first place if you can't find a solution. YABU.

Rabid · 17/06/2012 10:21

I think the op was suggesting she arranges a lift share that she then informs the parents of

Original poster

hattifattner · 17/06/2012 10:22

flow4, thank you, thats good advice

Rabid I dont intentionally drink and drive. I do, however, drink occassionally, and if for whatever reason I needed to then drive, I would know whether I am capable, rather that relying on how I feel. I am not Teetotal.

agent, We had established that she had a lift home. WHen she didnt arrive at the expected time and would not answer her phone, we were concerned enough to find her. In case she had lied about the lift. SHe hadnt lied, there was a lift for her, but it was later than she had told us.

OP posts:

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 17/06/2012 10:23

Are you not more concerned about where she is now than your hurt feelings? I know I would be.

confusedpixie · 17/06/2012 10:24

She's 15, having evil parents is part of what makes her look cool and was also to guilt trip you. You shouldn't have picked her up. At that age my friends wouldn't have let me walk home and offered me somewhere to kip for the night, or one of her friends parents would have dropped her home.

Don't let it worry you :)

FallenCaryatid · 17/06/2012 10:29

'She wrote on facebook that we were staying in to get drunk while making her walk home 35+ mins.'

PP's response would have been similar to mine, I'd have laughed about it.

'But my darling whinge poppet, you said you had a lift. We are planning a drunken orgy BTW, so turn up the iPod and avoid the living room.

Chubfuddler · 17/06/2012 10:31

Where is she op? Have you made contact with her?

FallenCaryatid · 17/06/2012 10:32

'WHen she didnt arrive at the expected time and would not answer her phone, we were concerned enough to find her. In case she had lied about the lift. SHe hadnt lied, there was a lift for her, but it was later than she had told us.'

That's the bit that would really annoy me, if she's not prepared to stick to agreements and answer her phone, she's not up for late night activities.
That's a serious talking to and reassessment of her maturity levels in my book.

magentadreamer · 17/06/2012 10:32

The joys of parenting unfortunately. This made me think back to the time DD aged about 5 did a peice at school about me. It went like this; My Mummy is a nurse and she likes to go to the pub. I was mortified, convinced that the teacher would think poor DD had a drunkard for a Mother. The best of it was I don't think I'd been near a Pub for months!

usualsuspect · 17/06/2012 10:34

I would have just laughed at the fb comment.I would have also made sure she had a lift home though.

usualsuspect · 17/06/2012 10:35

Yes I would have been annoyed about the not answering the phone though

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 17/06/2012 10:36

Don't make a big thing of it.
Do you really want to let her know that she can wind you up to this extent just by posting on FB?
Ledkr is right you know, if you are going to foster you are going to be dealing with a Lot of froth and fury from kids of all ages.
Don't get sucked into the endless pit of teen drama.

flow4 · 17/06/2012 10:58

Running off with a backpack is another attempt at manipulation. IME they get ridiculously dramatic for a little while, until they realise you mean 'no' when you say it.

'Running away' was one of my son's favourite tactics until I stopped chasing. I'd be frantically texting, phoning, worrying about whether to call the police... While he was generally at a mate's house watching tv, and probably being highly entertained... Teens feed off drama, like vampires feed off blood. Do your very best not to give her any!

It's Sunday morning. She's 15 not 5. Unless you live in downtown New York, I'd suggest you take no action at all until teatime. NONE. Not even a text! Then an hour before you eat, if she isn't home, you text and say "Tea will be ready in an hour, at /time/". Nothing more. Then if she doesn't turn up - tho I think she probably will - text again again to say "Are you still alive? You need to call us immediately, or we will start contacting all your friends and the police". And do. But I don't think it will come to that :)

And meantime, practice (or develop) your stress management techniques!

Tortington · 17/06/2012 11:03

"teens feed off drama, like vampires feed off blood."

so true.

tbh, i wouldnt give a shit what her friends and their parents think.

but if i did and i were in your shoes, i'd remove phone privilages for a week

Original poster

hattifattner · 17/06/2012 13:56

Just to let you know we had contacted her friends in order to find her (was not just idly sat on MN hoping the pixies would return her...) - she is with a mate, and has declined to come home at this point. She is aware that consequences will be in place when she returns.

We have been out for a lovely walk in the forest and had a scrummy lunch with summer berry sundaes for pudding. Now sat stuffed to the gunnels and watching pokemon with DS2.

Thanks for your kind words...Now the dust has settled, Im annoyed at her FB post rather than as upset as I was thismorning....mainly because many of the people I know, such as scout collegues, a toxic family member or two...

I am hoping to foster under 5s, so teen tantrum vs toddler tantrum.....I'll take a toddler tantrum any time!

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 17/06/2012 14:06

Blimey, if this is the worst she does, you are a very lucky mum!

A teenager who goes running at 7.15am? All sounds very wholesome to me.

But I think you should have checked exactly how she was getting home. If I didn't want to pick her up, I would have spoken to her friends parents that I'd given a lift to before and asked them to do it.

Heavensmells · 17/06/2012 14:34

I think humiliated is a bit strong but she did disrespect you in a very public way and I would make sure she knows never to do that again or there will be consequences (i.e removal of laptop/computer).
I also wouldn't let her stay out that late unless it was convenient for you to pick her up. Let her know that she has shot herself in the foot messing you about last night.
Hope she comes home soon and that you can sort it all out.

empirestateofmind · 17/06/2012 15:24

I would be extremely upset if either of my teens put something so disrespectful up on FB.

I think DD should put a public apology up as a reply to her original statement then after 48 hours she should delete the whole sorry saga.

flow4 · 17/06/2012 16:01

Empire, I thought about that too, but I decided it wasn't actually a good tactic, tho' it's very tempting. Hattie didn't like the public humiliation, but by insisting on a public apology from her daughter (and assuming she could get it), she'd be exposing her to public humiliation in turn. There's a certain sense of justice of course... But it's like the age-old 'toddler taming' controversy: do you bite them back if they bite you?! In the end, as parents and grown-ups, we're supposed to be showing our kids the way we do want them to behave, not repeating the behaviour we don't want...

empirestateofmind · 17/06/2012 16:11

Why is a public apology humiliating? Surely teenagers should be learning how to act as grown ups. If I get something wrong I apologise.

If you acknowledge what you did wrong you can draw a line under and move on. I think it is an important life lesson.

VivaLeBeaver · 17/06/2012 16:16

You could do what that American dad did and video yourself shooting her laptop.

DreamingofSummer · 17/06/2012 16:20

Two points

1 I think you were wrong to choose alcohol over your daughter
2 Take no notice of FB comments

flow4 · 17/06/2012 16:42

I would absolutely expect an apology from my child, if I were Hatti...
If you do something wrong, Empire, you presumably apologise to the person you have wronged... But do you also go and stand in the High Street or take out an advert in your local paper, and apologise to that person in front of several hundred others? How many times have you issued a personal apology on Facebook? I've never done it, myself, and I wouldn't expect my child to either...
But I recognise that we may have to agree to disagree :)

TheMonster · 17/06/2012 16:52

You are massively over-reacting about her FB status.

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