DD who wants to leave home when shes 16

[jnmka]

I wonder if anyone else has had a dd whos left home at 16 because they thing they can cope on their own............My dd turns 16 in 3 weeks and from listening to people she hangs around with(who are usually 18,19 20 or older) thinks she can leave home,get a job,a flat and still have all the luxuries she has now.she was going to college but thats now changed,she just wants a job,which im not againt,but as we all know they not easy to come by these days........... ive told her to keep her options open,but she insistant she no longer wants to go to college no matter what........ive told her that child benefit,maintenace payments with stop end august and that if she doesnt get a job there will be no money coming in for her,but she still says i will get a job!eldest dd whos 22,has a fairly good job,bf and a flat tried to talk to her and tell her how much it actually costs to run your own place, needing bonds deposits,but she didnt seem bothered,just kept saying she will do it.anyone any advice on how to handle this situation or do i just let her do it and see how long she can cope for.

Personally I'd go with a little bit of reverse psychology.... instead of telling her it's not possible/that easy.. go with 'that's fab darling, I'm sure you will work it all out for yourself, have you found a flat/means to pay for it yet?'

I suspect she will find out all too quickly that it isn't viable..and probably knows it deep down, but by not playing into her demands she will get bored of the idea more quickly. At worst I would imagine she'd try staying with these older friends and will find out quickly that life without home comforts isn't that amazing! (Just finding somewhere that would rent to a 16 year old would be pretty difficult I imagine)

My DS1 was adamant earlier this year that he was going to move out and share with his friend.. (he has just turned 19) I made encouraging noises and suggested he and friend checked out flats, rent, worked out likely bills just for the basics... and he changed his mind! I'd have been genuinely happy for him to try but know that he isn't really mature enough yet.. and he has a job but soon worked out that if he was paying a real rent he would have nothing left over ever. Amusingly he has now offered to pay me extra as he has realised how good he has it at home.. :D

On college.. I think you have sensibly made it clear that you won't be funding her if she doesn't go.. hold to that and she will either find a job or realise that maybe college isn't a bad idea after all..:D

Thanks medulsals for your advice.Ive said to her this morning that if its what she wants then thats fine,and that we will have to sit down and work out how much money she will need and that she will have to look for a job that will hopefuly cover it all ............to be honest i think she just wants to get out so she can do what she wants,she doesnt like that she has to come in at 10pm and that if she ever sleeps out (which has been rare)ive wanted to speak to the parent.she now thinks she should just be able to stay out when and where she likes.

Think this is all down to the older people and type of people that she hangs about with.
i even told her she prob wouldnt be able to afford the internet or to have a mobile.......... her reply was i dont want them things,just want to leave home,dont understand she got a lovely home and family but i feel all theses other people in her life are having an influence on how she is seeing life in the future.im frightened she is going to make the biggest mistake of her life,

It may be her friends' influence, it may also be that she is one of those people who are genuinely happier once they run their own lives, or it may (most likely) mere teen immaturity. I was in the middle category- great relationship with my parents but couldn't wait to leave home because despite being a polite and well behaved teen I was never happy with other people running my life.

She won't be making the biggest mistake of her life, because she won't be able to get the deposit for a flat, noone will let her rent without any kind of funds, she won't get social housing if you do not put it in writing that you are making her homeless and her friends won't put up with a permanent non-paying guest. Remember you are under absolutely no obligation to fund this adventure of hers: if she wants to be a grown-up she can't rely on other people.

Let her try- but don't help her.

I would let her go ahead with her plans i take it shes left/leaving school soon, let her make her plans look for a job and flat and see how it pans out , we know it isnt going to be as easy as she thinks and TBH i think landlords look for over 18 so she wont even get a tenancy agreement , but say thats fab dear and let he r get on with it,

I know this isn't the same but the last time my ds said he wanted to go and live with his dad I told him to pack and I'd drop him off. Notice it's the last time he said it. Try and be as supportive as possible although it will be really hard. My ds struggled to get a part time job.

I agree that rather than shoot her down in flames let her do the research and the unsuccessful flat hunting and she will realise herself how hard it is. If she stays home and doesn't go to college I assume you will need to charge her some board, make this clear - no college means getting a job and paying board at home or rent and bills in her own place.

Oh and dont offer any money for her plans as somebody else said, this isnt a slate on family I can remember i was going to share a flat with my friend as soon as i left school at 16 , it never happened ,

Thankyou all for your kind words and advice.The only other thing that bothers me is that she has this on/off bf,thats 19,been in trouble with police,has no fixed address,no job and at the moment hes living with his brother.think he could be filling her head with all these plans,he prob telling her to get a job,he also keeps saying he gonna get one.(cant see it)dont know how the law works but think hes on a suspended sentence,do they give jobs to people in this position?

We definatley wont help her to set up in a flat....... she has left school all barring 3 exams,her last day is 27th june which is also her 16th bday and her prom night,she has had loads spent on her for the prom,her 2 nans paid for her dress,she gets everything and i really cant understand her wanting to give everything up to basically have nothing!

as long as the brother isn't prepared to take your dd in to as a non-paying lodger, it won't really matter what he fills her head with, will it- these plans won't get off the ground

I can understand why she wants to leave and be independent with nothing rather than be in a position where she is given everything- because I felt exactly the same at her age- but it's not going to happen if there is no money; she will have to wait until she is 18 like the rest of us.

Hopefuly he wont cory,think hes on and off with his brother anyway,if hes geting in trouble his brother disowns him.Then he moves onto some so called mate houses,cant understand if hes homeless that he doesnt get help from social,these things puzzle me.

HAs she got college planned for when she leaves school in scotland they need to stay on if they havnt got 'somewhere to go'

Mrsjay,yes she did have, she was going to do an apprenticeship in hairdressing,but all off a sudden she doesnt want to do that,dont know why,this is why im thinking the bf has had some doing in it all,i reckon he telling her not to do it.The thing with them staying on till they are 18 didnt come in till the year after she started high school (unfortunatley).

I also forgot to say that she isnt doing much to look for a job,since she left school 2 weeks ago she spends most of the day and night usualy an average of 10 hours a day hanging round the streets,she got where she takes no notice of what we say either.

What does she do for money? Hanging round the streets will be fun for a while but she will get bored.

Shes always been given money by nans/grandads and us,but since she started to go wayward she doesnt get half as much.prob bout £15 a fortnight from n & g and £5 week off us,with the odd £1 here and there.i thought she would have got bored by now she been doing it long enough,just not happening at the moment.

My ds is 17 he used to be out all the time. He stopped before he started college. What are her friends doing are they going to college?

I know it's not easy but ds is the same age and there is no way he is allowed to do the things your dd is doing especially as he also has 3 more exams.

Just make sure, if she doesnt go to college, and she doesnt find a job, you kick her out of bed/house at 7.30/8.00 am and make her leave house with you.

Its what I have told mine I will do, and Id do it. Because otherwise she gets the chance to be homed and fed and do nothing all day.

some friends are going to college i think,she vague when i ask her really.

Its got past the stage of her listening to us now,she takes no notice,basically does what she want,weve tried all the grounding etc,got us nowhere.

Thats a good idea bout kicking her out when we go to work,would be at 6 15am though.

Sounds like you need to let her make her mistakes. There comes a time doesn't there when actually they are adults and have to be responsible for their mistakes and learn the hard way. Horrible as you as a parent don't want this to happen but as you say what else can you do.

Do you do all her washing,ironing etc. Switch the Internet off when she's at home. Tell her once she decides to respect your house and rules you will reinstate the internet. I'd also try and get gp's to stop giving her money.

Think we are going to have to let her make her mistakes,hopefuly she will come to her senses!

yes i do everything for her,even tidy her room,but as from yesterday ive started to leave it.
switching internet off is a good idea.gps have reduced her money quiet a bit and i dont think any of them want to give her money for her bday which shes always had in the past.

I think it's fantastic that she has the confidence to think she can do it!
My mom more or less had to boot all of us out at 19.
I'd tell her I thought she shouldn't but support her in giving it a go if she was determined.

I would certainly stop tidying her room. I haven't tidied ds's since he was very young and dd is 8 and has tidied her room for a long time too. I would cut back on lots of things you do regardless of whether she wants to leave home or not.

oh yes, when you go to work, take the router cable , if she doesnt go to college that is, tbh you are prob smothering her a bit, tidying her room for her at ?