DD who wants to leave home when shes 16

[jnmka]

I wonder if anyone else has had a dd whos left home at 16 because they thing they can cope on their own............My dd turns 16 in 3 weeks and from listening to people she hangs around with(who are usually 18,19 20 or older) thinks she can leave home,get a job,a flat and still have all the luxuries she has now.she was going to college but thats now changed,she just wants a job,which im not againt,but as we all know they not easy to come by these days........... ive told her to keep her options open,but she insistant she no longer wants to go to college no matter what........ive told her that child benefit,maintenace payments with stop end august and that if she doesnt get a job there will be no money coming in for her,but she still says i will get a job!eldest dd whos 22,has a fairly good job,bf and a flat tried to talk to her and tell her how much it actually costs to run your own place, needing bonds deposits,but she didnt seem bothered,just kept saying she will do it.anyone any advice on how to handle this situation or do i just let her do it and see how long she can cope for.

Hate to say this, but is she protected from pregnancy?

Why don't you say to her that if she hasn't got a job by September, she should go to college with her friends? Of course you are SURE she'll have her own flat and job and car by then! but just in case, she should remember college is waiting for her.

If her boyfriend has never saved up for deposits or worried about landlords and rent, then she won't either. She needs to sit down and have a proper talk with your daughter at least about bills.

she is on the pill imperialblether.i just hope she not daft enough to think that would be the answer,and to get preganant thinking she will get it all handed to her.
i did say to her yesterday that we will have to sit down and way up how much it will cost to run a flat,and then we would have to see what sort of wage she would need to be earning,she didnt comment just looked at me.

If she was mine shed be on the implant. Too much can go wrong for a teen on the pill.

I do feel for you. The moving out bit wouldn't bother me as she obviously can't afford it but the company she's keeping would.

As others have said just go along with the flat. Write down all the costs with her. Then tell her she has two choices. Get a job and save up for a bit whilst staying at home or to go to college. Make it clear that once she turns 16 she will be given more freedom if she stays at home. Ask her what she would like it to be like If she stayed at home. Tbh I'd be doing everything within reason to encourage her to stay at home. I wouldn't want this boyfriend freeloading off her in her own flat.

I wouldn't be banning her from the Internet either. She's more likely to go out then and hang around the streets.

Also make clear the reasons you do not like her boyfriend and tell her that you won't treat all her boyfriends like that. 16 year olds have a very short term view of everything. You have to somehow make her believe that her life at home will be nicer than life in a flat with a hanger on boyfriend.

I was a sulky 16 year old with an unsuitable bf.

I am not saying this is the case with you and dd, but I am going to tell you my side of things.

I wasn't allowed out in the week at all, I was allowed out on a Saturday night when I was in VI form but had to be in by 11. I did have a Saturday job, but I was employed by my father so didn't get any regular money - I got paid when my mum said it was OK.

I was forced to go to VI form. I hated it. I ended up in hospital and I'm sure it was down to stress.

My parents blamed my bf for me not telling them things, the truth was I'd not been telling them things for years.

I had no control over my life. I had no private life in my home. My mum didn't clean my room but felt free to open drawers, move things, walk in when I was getting dressed or when I was in the shower.

I was desperate to leave.

My mother now claims that VI form was her 'just giving me a chance' - well it was the VI form with the fewest ranges of subjects, lousy results and was a faith VI form - I'm an atheist.

When I did get a propper job, with prospects and day release training having A Levels was a disadvantage. It meant my employer had to pay fees for me to do a level 3 course.

My mother then took an unreasonable amount of board, before you criticise me. yes I had a home and it was heated but I had to buy my own food, toiletries, clothes, travel to work etc etc. Basically board got me a room and the used of the other rooms in the house, oh and I still wasn't allowed out much.

The 11pm curfew was a real sticking point and the only thing I ever dared argue about. I could get a bus at 11.15 - the last bus and other friends cought it. It would drop me accross the road from home at 11.30.

To get home for 11 I had to get the bus at 10.30, which involved me leaving on my own as most of my friends were getting the 11.15 bus. After crossing a town centre alone, catching the bus alone I then had a 10-15 min walk, again alone.

OK enough of my situation.

Due you think dd feels trapped? Being treated like a little girl? Not being allowed to grow up?

I am still having therapy about my feelings towards my mother and control.

16 is an age to start making descicsions, and mistakes. She is growing up, let her make a few grown up descisions. Try not to smother her.

What are her GCSE results likly to be? There are some businesses that do offer careers starting at 16. There are a lot of apprenticships around. Some careers even involve accomodation.

Keep the door open to her, we all have to make our own way in life at some stage.

Thanks again for you answers,maybe she does feel trapped,i have treated her like a little girl i suppose,but its cause i love her so much and shes been my baby for 16 years.

shes got a c grade in maths and english and the others she has taken are expected c or above grades.
just dont understand the great need to leave home so desperatly so young.
ive spoken to her tonight again about the flat,said if she was older and had a job,i would understand her wanting to do it,she shrugged me off as usual.

What I would say to her would not be either:

"you shouldn't want to leave home"

or:

"you have no right to want to leave home because I have done so much for you"

She is at an age where she wants to grow up and become an adult- this is normal and healthy and perfectly understandable- but it doesn't necessarily mean she can everything she wants at this precise moment.

So I would speak to her in a way that acknowledges the validity of her feelings but does not cave in on practicalities. I would say:

"I understand that you want to be more independent and that it is quite hard for you not to have that"

"at the same time, I can't help you: if you are going to move from home, you must find the deposit for a flat and a way of supporting yourself, because I can't afford to run two homes. If you want this- and I can see why you do- then you must find a way of making it work; it's what adults do"

"if you can't manage this, then you will have to make the most of the situation at home, either getting a job or going to college"

Talk to her like an adult.

Do also make sure she understands that being at college is very different to being at school.
Make sure she knows that you are going to relax the rules just a little too. You know you have to!

I do think you need to be a lot more relaxed with her TBH. Coming in at 10pm is quite strict. I understand about the unsuitable boyfriend but she's managed to meet him anyway even with the curfew. When I was her age I was out till a lot later, as was my DSD who we even went on a girls holiday abroad at 16!

I left home when I was 16 much to my parents disapproval to move in with my DH. I was fine, but this was in the days before the luxuries of mobiles and the internet. I agree with other posters who say you#re going to have to let her make her own mistakes. It is quite possible that this is just all talk and when it comes to the big bad world out there she'll decide to stay at home and go to college.