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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

IAIBU? Is her friend's mum too relaxed with my DDs safety.

71 replies

jomojomum · 27/05/2012 20:34

I would value your opinions on this. My DD is 12 and probably quite grown up for her age as she has 2 older siblings of 21 and 18. She has a friend who's mum is younger and "cooler" than me, who offered to take my DD and 5 other girls (in a 7 seater) to an out door pool complex today. When we met she said "oh did you realise I won't be staying there with them?" I thought she meant she would be going to nearby shops, but she was off to work and planning to leave them for 5 hours! Knowing my daughter is an excellent swimmer, and quite sensible I made a snap judgement, grudgingly said OK as long as they all had mobiles and swapped home numbers but this other mum didnt know that. I was amazed that she'd offered to take them only to dump them there! In the end as I was surrounded by excited girls all ready to go, I gave in with reservations, she could tell I wasn't happy about it and I felt pressured into agreeing. Secretly I was mad that she was being so casual about other children's safety and later talked to another mum who agreed with me and had also let her daughter go but was very worried about it.

They came back safely from the pool but had had no lunch, my daughter was the only one with sunscreen which ran out and 2 of the girls decided to leave the pool and walk to the shopping centre 300m away. This mum had apparently told them that was ok!
Next time I will want a lot more detail before I agree to DD to be in that mother's care. I already refused an earlier expedition when she offered to take 6 girls 180 miles after school to watch a Rizzlekicks concert (standing only ) then drive back by 1am (on a school night!!!) . My DD thinks I'm being unreasonable as I am older and not cool...what do you think?

OP posts:

dexter73 · 27/05/2012 20:53

Well you let her go so you can't moan about it afterwards. YANBU about 1am on a school night though - too late for a 12 year old. My dd went to see Rizzle Kicks on a school night but it finished at 10.30 and she is 15 so quite different from your situation.

Twiggy71 · 27/05/2012 21:04

This other Mother is completely irresponsible I would not have let my daughter go all day to an outdoor pool with no adult supervision. Is she MAD what if a situation had occurred the children would not have been old enough to cope on their own.
I can see why you let her go ahead though as you don't want to be the stick in the mud Mother that won't let her dc do anything and spoil everyone's fun.
Though think you will have to be prepared for what else this other cool Mother will have in store next and stick to your guns about what your d best interests are.
Believe me I know how hard this all is as I have a 18 & 14 year old and its a learning curve as you go along...

Original poster

jomojomum · 27/05/2012 21:22

Dear Twiggy and Dexter, Many thanks for your comments. I have just told DD that other parents felt her friends mum was unreasonable.. so DD has stormed off using her best new swear words saying she hates me and wishes this other cool woman was her mum. But you know what, I feel so much better and in control as I know other mums don't think I'm unreasonable. I was able to sweetly wish the shouting harridan goodnight without shouting back, much to her annoyance. (DD is very tired after being out in the heat all day and always gets angry when tired nowadays). Roll on the next 6 years!
Yes Twiggy I will have to be very careful with this mum and her "fun" plans for the girls.

OP posts:

dexter73 · 27/05/2012 21:29

If you are unhappy with a situation you really do have to say no at the time even though you may feel like the bad guy. I have had to say no to my daughter when other mums have said yes to their dd's but I have to go with my gut feeling and not worry about what others may think of me. It is all quite a steep learning curve and you have to re-evaluate after events if they haven't turned out quite how you thought they would.

Emandlu · 27/05/2012 21:30

At 12 I was getting the bus into town and going swimming without adult supervision. What is the problem with them doing that? I don't understand why you are so concerned tbh.

fuckarama · 27/05/2012 21:32

She was swimming. She's 12 she can swim - you can't complain after.

DD1 is 13. She went to "The Wanted" and came back at 1.30 am on a school night.

I am obviously a cool mother

pinkhebe · 27/05/2012 21:36

I don't think I'd have a problem with the swimming, I certainly was going to the swimming pool by myself at this age. The concert is too late on a school night.

landofsoapandglory · 27/05/2012 21:36

I wouldn't have had a problem with the swimming pool scenario.

I wouldn't allow my DS2 to go to a concert that he got home from at 11pm on a school night and he is 15!

pictish · 27/05/2012 21:37

I think you're being overprotective. They are 12, not 5.

My 10 yr old son goes swimming every Friday with his friends, unsupervised. He isn't gone for 5 hours, but an easy 3.

By the time he's 12 I think 5 would be ok. And I'd be fine with him going to a shopping centre too.

I must be cool too!

fuckarama · 27/05/2012 21:38

Oh dear.

So far, I appear to be in the minority WRT the concert

pictish · 27/05/2012 21:39

No - you're not. For a one off, I'd ok it.

PandaNot · 27/05/2012 21:41

Don't most 12 year olds go swimming and into town by themselves for hours at a time? I know I did and my goddaughter does.

dexter73 · 27/05/2012 21:42

A one-off is ok but my dd goes out to concerts/gigs quite a lot so I can't ok a 1am school night too often!

fuckarama · 27/05/2012 21:42

My DD1 would die if she couldn't get into town on a Friday after school with her mates.

I don't see that walking to the shopping centre 300m away is that different tbh.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 27/05/2012 21:46

I THINK it's ok....but like you also would worry if something went wrong...but then at twelve I was allwed to go swimming with my friends...I think it's ok tbh...they have phones etc...

5madthings · 27/05/2012 21:46

what pictish and fuckarama have said its fine, the concert was a one off i did the same at that age but i went to see take that and i used to go swimming for hours at a time from a younger age at that. around 9ish i would go to the beach on my own and swim in the sea on a daily basis, the joys of living abroad as a child! :)

upahill · 27/05/2012 21:49

I have no problem with the swimming pool and I wouldn't have a problem with the RizzleKicks concert (DS went a few months ago in Manchester to see them) as long as it wasn't in the middle of exam week and it didn't happen every week.

Heck I used to go to Liverpool Empire and see the Boomtown Rats, Gary Moore, Graham Parker and the Rumour and loads more on a school night when I was 13 and onwards.

I left DS2 aged 12 and half and 4 of his mates at the Sun Center in Rhyl for a similar amount of time. THey all have my number. I have also left the same gang at Alton Towers and the Pleasure Beach.

I'm NOT a cool mum but I do let them have independence and I am able to get to them if they need me.

missmiss · 27/05/2012 21:59

I don't see the problem. I used to go swimming on my own with friends at 11 or 11. You're being overprotective.

Original poster

jomojomum · 27/05/2012 22:05

Guess I must be really un-cool then (does that make me hot??). I think its a bit different for girls than boys and I have no problem with her shopping in town with friends for a few hours or swimming for an hour or so. But they were alone from 11 til 4 with no parents nearby (they were in another town 30 mins away, which would have been no use if someone was injured, disappeared, became ill or if they fell out and split up (which is what happened when the other 2 went off).

OP posts:

TitsalinaBumSquash · 27/05/2012 22:15

How is it different for girls and boys?

upahill · 27/05/2012 22:18

I honestly can't see what the problem is.
They all had mobiles.
You wanted a mum to stay with them for all that time - bet the girls would have been thrilled!
They are 12 not 10. They are, I assume, in High School. I am suprised that you are so uptight when you have older kids.
You sound as if DD is a PFB.

Loshad · 27/05/2012 22:46

I wouldn't even let my 18 yo (A level year ) go to a concert finishing at that time on a school night - you are so not in the wrong. I would also be really concerned at any group of 12 yos left in town/at the pool for 6 hours. DS3 is 14 and neither he, nor any of his friends has been in that situation yet.
As a teacher i dread having to teach teenagers who have been allowed to saty up all night - they are fit for nothing, and the curriculum is so pressured thiese days that we visit a topic and keep moving on.

mambonumber4 · 27/05/2012 22:50

Fuckerama, Im with you on the concert, Id let them go.

I also done see what the huge fuss about the swimming is, or why its a problem that they ran out of sunscreen - I would exect them to bring it.

I wouldnt have expected her to provide them all lunch either?

mambonumber4 · 27/05/2012 22:51

you "wont let" your 18 year old go to a concert?? 18, 18. How absolutely controlling.

rubyrubyruby · 27/05/2012 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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