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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

IAIBU? Is her friend's mum too relaxed with my DDs safety.

71 replies

jomojomum · 27/05/2012 20:34

I would value your opinions on this. My DD is 12 and probably quite grown up for her age as she has 2 older siblings of 21 and 18. She has a friend who's mum is younger and "cooler" than me, who offered to take my DD and 5 other girls (in a 7 seater) to an out door pool complex today. When we met she said "oh did you realise I won't be staying there with them?" I thought she meant she would be going to nearby shops, but she was off to work and planning to leave them for 5 hours! Knowing my daughter is an excellent swimmer, and quite sensible I made a snap judgement, grudgingly said OK as long as they all had mobiles and swapped home numbers but this other mum didnt know that. I was amazed that she'd offered to take them only to dump them there! In the end as I was surrounded by excited girls all ready to go, I gave in with reservations, she could tell I wasn't happy about it and I felt pressured into agreeing. Secretly I was mad that she was being so casual about other children's safety and later talked to another mum who agreed with me and had also let her daughter go but was very worried about it.

They came back safely from the pool but had had no lunch, my daughter was the only one with sunscreen which ran out and 2 of the girls decided to leave the pool and walk to the shopping centre 300m away. This mum had apparently told them that was ok!
Next time I will want a lot more detail before I agree to DD to be in that mother's care. I already refused an earlier expedition when she offered to take 6 girls 180 miles after school to watch a Rizzlekicks concert (standing only ) then drive back by 1am (on a school night!!!) . My DD thinks I'm being unreasonable as I am older and not cool...what do you think?

OP posts:

rubyrubyruby · 27/05/2012 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FashionEaster · 27/05/2012 22:55

the key part you missed in that post was 'on a school night'

mambonumber4 · 27/05/2012 22:57

I didnt miss that, I didnt think it was a key part, I think treating an 18 year old with such a shocking lack of respect and not letting him grow up is the key part.

Spero · 27/05/2012 23:01

She is 12. I think you are being over protective. What is she going to do when she is 18 and off alone at college if she hasn't had some time to learn independence? They weren't dropped off in the middle of a forest and told to find their own way home. They had phones and presumably were surrounded by many other people who could help them in the unlikely event something terrible happened.

I am not trying to be dismissive about your obvious love and concern for your child but I honestly don't think you are doing her long term any favours if you veto this kind of expedition.

FashionEaster · 27/05/2012 23:01

Different folks, different strokes. Some children are still children at 18; some are worldly-wise beyond their years; or an intriguing mix of both.

Loshad might be lax in some areas you think are non-negotiable

Fwiw, @ 12 I would not be happy for them to be unsupervised for so long, especially since the parents didn't realise they'd be unsupervised and have time to have a chat about 'what ifs...'

upahill · 27/05/2012 23:03

Flippin Heck - I had left home and had a mortgage at 18 and a 1/2.
Imagine not being able to go to a concert on a school night at that age!! (mind has warped, sorry no can't imagine it!)

Hebiegebies · 27/05/2012 23:06

I was in Australia ipon my own at 18. I flew out day after my birthday party.

Late night in the school week for a 12 year old is debatable.

Swimming and town at 12 is fine.

Loshad · 27/05/2012 23:08

totally fashion, you might think i'm stupidly unbothered about some things, but school comes first, tbh he wouldn't even ask. While we pay his bills we expect him to follow our resonable expectations, and that includes not coming at stupid o clock on a school night. He could move out if he wanted to, he chooses not to
Neither myself or his father would ever have dreamed of it, and we have pretty successful
Going out nights are friday or saturday.

mambonumber4 · 27/05/2012 23:10

Right so controlling your children by letting them know they can move out if they dont adhere to ridiculous rules is OK is it??

Im seriously gobsmacked that anyone would treat an 18 year old like that.

mumeeee · 27/05/2012 23:12

I would have no problem with the swimming, Although I would have made sure that my DD had money with her so she could buy lunch and also going to the shopping centre would have been fine,. Going to the concert does sound a bit late for a school night but it would have been a one off.

Loshad · 27/05/2012 23:12

Oh and yes he is hoping to go to uni, different rules will apply then when he not living in our house. Nothing to do with a shocking lack of respect, and all about appreciating how important school is and you don't mess up for a short term gain - eg one night at a concert. I have to say he is a really lovely lad and does not think it' unreasonable, non of his friends would would be allowed to go either.

ElphabaisWicked · 27/05/2012 23:13

I would have allowed the swimming. When I was 10 I used to go swimming on my own during the school holidays as part of the Staffordshire Police holiday scheme thing. We used to grt discounted entry or got on a coch to Rhyl Sun Centre/Alton Towers etc. We were counted on and off the bus but whilst inside were left to our own devices (though to be fair there were several helpers around who were identifiable if we needed them.)

I wasn;t sure about the concert on the school night until I rememberd that I have occasionally taken dd aged 10 to the theatre to see or peform in shows that finish around 10pm.

mambonumber4 · 27/05/2012 23:19

one night at a concert wont ruin his school life, thats a ridiculous statement

of course none of his friends would be allowed to go, because he only hangs around with people in the same sad situation as him, otherwise he would be a laughing stock

when I was in uni, the wildest students were the Irish Catholic girls, who had never been allowed a taste of freedom and didnt know what to do with it, when it arrived in buckets

Loshad · 27/05/2012 23:26

mambo i mean i can think of literally no students at his school whose parents would let them go - it is non negociable, term time is for working - parents and students, you want to stay out late, wait for the holidays.
It is not a sad situation, the school is full of happy successful students, nearly all of who will go on to do very well in life.

Loshad · 27/05/2012 23:29

And of couse one night won't neccessarily do anything - it is the underlying attitude behind it. If you have work in the morning, you have an obligation to presaent yourself in a timely fashion, and in a position to deliver the goods.

BackforGood · 27/05/2012 23:29

I wouldn't have a problem with the swimming.
It;s the kind of thing 12 yr olds do - spend the day together laughing and having fun. Sounds kind of the Mum to take them. In fact, swimming is one of the safest places to be, as there are guarenteed adults around in the guise of lifeguards and back up staff at the pool. At 12, they ought to know about taking suncream and applying it during the day, etc., and I don't think many parents of 12 / 13 yr olds would be worried about two of them walking to a shop together. My dc have been able to go up to the local swimming bath for a few hours without me since they were 8 (with an older sibling), 10 on their own.

mambonumber4 · 27/05/2012 23:36

Well you can think its ok, I think its sad, it sounds like some sort of Stepford School for teenagers.

Plenty of people go on to lead successful lives, even when they have been allowed to make decisions for themselves.

I have never heard of an 18 year old who isnt allowed to go out, unless it is cultural.

upahill · 27/05/2012 23:36

18 year olds are better at getting up and being presentable after the odd late night out than most 40 year olds. (Speaking from experience from both parts of the spectrum!)

pictish · 28/05/2012 00:06

Hahahaaa! I lived in my own flat alone at 18!!

I guess your son is mamawhipped huh?

differentnameforthis · 28/05/2012 03:25

I don't think you & the other mum can complain, to be honest. You gave her the go ahead, you both allowed her to take & leave your children unattended at a pool for several hours. You were all too relaxed with the children's safety.

If that were me & my dd, my dd would be calling me more than uncool as I would have cancelled the trip entirely!

teaaddict2012 · 28/05/2012 09:10

I don't really see the issue tbh, like another poster said, I was going on buses to the next city to shop all day at 12.

hides

Annunziata · 28/05/2012 09:17

I think the swimming is absolutely fine. She drove them there and back which would be enough for me. Iffy on the concert, would probably have said yes if it wasn't a busy time of year.

pickledparsnip · 28/05/2012 09:24

You won't let your 18 year old out late on a school night? Bloody hell I moved out at 16 and worked to support myself whilst at college.
I went to uni with plenty of people who had never been given any freedom (mostly boys), oh the stories I could tell...

rubyrubyruby · 28/05/2012 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

get0rfm0iland · 28/05/2012 09:39

No to the concert on a school night.

But yes to the outdoor swimming pool and shopping centre. DD at the age of 12 went on the bus to a local lido with her friends (about 4 miles away). She had a mobile. The lido was supervised. She then went into Cheltenham shopping afterwards. What is likely to happen with half a dozen girls at that age?

I am not a cool mum by the way, but have always encouraged independence, she is 16 now and is a lot more savvy than some of her friends whose parents take them everywhere and don't trust them to do anything on their own.

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