IAIBU? Is her friend's mum too relaxed with my DDs safety.

[jomojomum]

I would value your opinions on this. My DD is 12 and probably quite grown up for her age as she has 2 older siblings of 21 and 18. She has a friend who's mum is younger and "cooler" than me, who offered to take my DD and 5 other girls (in a 7 seater) to an out door pool complex today. When we met she said "oh did you realise I won't be staying there with them?" I thought she meant she would be going to nearby shops, but she was off to work and planning to leave them for 5 hours! Knowing my daughter is an excellent swimmer, and quite sensible I made a snap judgement, grudgingly said OK as long as they all had mobiles and swapped home numbers but this other mum didnt know that. I was amazed that she'd offered to take them only to dump them there! In the end as I was surrounded by excited girls all ready to go, I gave in with reservations, she could tell I wasn't happy about it and I felt pressured into agreeing. Secretly I was mad that she was being so casual about other children's safety and later talked to another mum who agreed with me and had also let her daughter go but was very worried about it.

They came back safely from the pool but had had no lunch, my daughter was the only one with sunscreen which ran out and 2 of the girls decided to leave the pool and walk to the shopping centre 300m away. This mum had apparently told them that was ok!
Next time I will want a lot more detail before I agree to DD to be in that mother's care. I already refused an earlier expedition when she offered to take 6 girls 180 miles after school to watch a Rizzlekicks concert (standing only ) then drive back by 1am (on a school night!!!) . My DD thinks I'm being unreasonable as I am older and not cool...what do you think?

Loshed I agree with you an 18 year old should follow house ruled but at the same time you should let them have some say in what they do. I would let an 18 year old go out on a school night especially if it was to a favourite band and they were only in our town on a School night.

Well no to a 12 year old at a concert on a school night, but yes to an 18 year old. I would think that an adult should make up their own mind.

Swimming pool, YABU
Concert....hmmm not sure. But then Iletmy dd have a couple of days off in the last week of term last year to go and see Robbie Williams with me

No to the concert, but yes to the swimming. We used to go to the Chelt Lido on the train from Glos when I was 11/12. I would be happy to let DD do the same. My only concern / rule would be that they didn't split up - so I think I would have been a little annoyed at the 2 who went shopping. But then, once it had happened what could I do?

I also meant to say giving them some freedom before they go to uni is important. DD1 used to go to concerts on a school night when she was in 6th form obviously
not every night but she was always at School on time and worked hard she went to uni got a first and is now a biology teacher. DD2 went to 6th form college it didn't make any difference whether she stayed in or went out as she always got up at the last minute. Anyway she was in a lot of plays over the years and was often out late at after show parties and she also went to night clubs. She did have to text us if she was staying out late. She is now about to finish her final year at uni and is heading for a 2:1.

I was going off on my own at 11 in the days before mobile phones, so I can't really see that they were in any danger being left at swimming.

Don't think I'd want my 12 yo going off to a concert 180 miles away with someone else, so I'm with you on that one.

I let dd go swimming with her friends, she is nearly 12, they usually go to the cafe after. I'd have made sure she had lunch or cash for lunch though. Why didn't you sort that out before she went? I'd have no problem with them walking to the shops neither.

The concert, I would, and have done. It's a rare event, one late night isn't going to kill them. I'd make sure it wasn't before an exam or anything though.

Why didn't you make sure she had money, drinks, sunscreen and even a packed lunch? I would happily let a 12 year old (girl or boy) go swimming for the day with their friends, but would never presume that the friend's mum would provide everything.

Op is this the first time you have let your dd go out with her friends unsupervised?

If it is, I can kind of understand why you were a bit panicked and didn't organize it very well.

I'm surprised that you still expect a group of 12 yo girls to be supervised when they go swimming though, my dd would not dream of me accompanying her and her friends on a day out, they are 13/14 but they were going out for the day alone when they were 11 and 12.

I was leaving my 12 yo at home alone on inset days etc whilst I was going to work as well, IMHO at that age they should be old enough to go shopping, swimming, cinema etc without it being an issue.

However, if that's something you are used to, I get why you were worried but I don't think anyone in this situation was BU, I think it's just different parenting, the same way some parents here would happily let their 12 yo DCs go out for the day and some wouldn't.

Obviously you assumed that would be supervised and the other parent assumed everyone would be ok with them going alone.

I cant see the problem either (at 12 i took my 3 younger siblings, youngest aged 7 and had to look after them alone for the entire day most days of the summer hols, cycle 7 miles to get there with them too)

12 isnt a young child i dont think, she was with a group of others, had phones and probably had a fantastic time.

Yanbu about the sun cream, thats a basic safety item imo.

Give um roots.....give um wings

My only advice is to do what you are comfortable with as they go through their teen years. Your the one that will worry and take final responsibility for your children.

If at any point in the future she offers a day out again for your 12 / 13 year old, just think by comparison it would be any different if they made their own way independently on public transport, and if so would you be ok with that. As this parent appears to offer transport only!

There is always a cooler, younger more understanding mum, but I bet many of your Dds friends think you are the best too. :)

Let your dd know why you are concerned and you don't have to act like other parents, MN would have no pages of comments if we alll acted the same.

I have 2 children whose ages span 10 years.
With each i have become more relaxed. Times change!
Swimming situation sounds fine, as a parent if i was responsible I wouldn't have left them so long and would have casually set rules e.g. don't leave the pool or ring me first to let me know.

Youngest DD had been going into town unsupervised since the end of year 7, shes never had an incident.

Concert I wouldn't on a school night when most concerts have dates on fridays or saturdays you could just as easily go to. Depends what it is though, for DDs 16th birthday she saw spice girls reunion (few years ago now) with a few friends, it was a school night but they were back and in bed by 1am and all survived.

I had this dilema when they hit 18...
By the time eldest 3 were 18 it was the nrom to go out occasionally clubbing until 2am on a school night because it was studnet night in our town. I said i didn't think it was a good idea some weeks if they were tired, reminded them to make sure they get their work done etc etc but decided at the end of the day, if they were doing ok at sixth form, not coming back too late and having a very good time it was their choice and not my right to tell them no.

All went on to get As in their A levels and now they are at uni where it is normal to be off out a few times each week, often then having to get up for 9am lectures. You can't control them them so being overprotective when they are younger only makes them go crazy at any hint of freedom when they are no longer under your control.

jomojo, every child thinks their mother is unreasonable! As for being 'older and uncool' - well, I suggest you get comfortable with that, since there is nothing you can do about it (me neither!) and you'll make better parenting decisions if you follow your own instincts, rather than trying to work out what other mothers are doing. "Everyone else's mum" always allows everything and has a LOT to answer for, imo!

Thanks to you all for your opinions! I cant believe there have been 65 replies and debate!!!

On reading them all I have decided that next time I wouldn't worry so much and would let her go swimming for the day with friends. (It was just the combination of factors, eg that they were unexpectedly without an adult, there all day, and in another town that concerned me.)
Just for the record she had sun cream but it ran out as none of the others did, and I gave her money for lunch but the pool didn't sell much. She already goes into town with friends on the bus and shopping without an adult) and has far more independence than her elder sis (18) ever had or wanted at that age.
I still think I was right to not let her go to a concert on a school night (getting back at 1am). It would have been her first concert and they would have been standing in the mosh pit , so again too much too soon for a 12 year old in my view.
I posted the question as DD2 was saying I was too old and un-cool. I wanted to see what you cool mums thought! I am an experienced mum and have 2 elder kids 21 and 18 and have coped with many issues along the way (from attempted suicide, bullying, drugs, Aspergers and allowing DD1 to go to India for the summer) but DD2 is a very different child in a great hurry to grow up, and is testing me in new ways. I was especially grateful to you Flow for the last posting. You speak with great wisdom. Thanks x

Dd has been in the standing area of a concert, and the other concert goers were lovely, and ganged up in a couple of men to tell them to move out the way so she could stand safely at the front! It was a fairly small venue though (indigo at the O2)

When we went to take that I refused to let her stand, and we queued for hours together good seating.

I age with flow too. It is always a minefield though. I'm now just starting to let the dts (7) out for short periods with dd, just on our road, and it's so hard to judge how far or long to let them go.

1.30 on a school night, that's a laugh, not on any night, DD1 would be mortified at the mention of it anyway - loves her sleep too much.

I would have let mine go on the trip with the friends I think, but I wouldn't have been at all happy about it and would have been stressed until they were back safe and sound. I think I would feel deceived by the mother though - she should have told you exactly what her plans were and she didn't.

My two DD's went bowling to meet friends - all arranged by another friend's mother. I thought she was staying with them as she hadn't said she wasn't. She went back home. They were there about 4 hours on their own, which was ok, but I did feel deceived.

If that's how cool mother's behave, I'll stay old fashioned and prudish thanks.

Just a thought would they have allowed a 12 year old to stand at a concert. DD3 is now 20 and has been to loads of concerts.All the concerts she has been to
don't allow under 15's to stand.

Glad you have seen the error of your ways, DD2 will be impressed

... well, with the swimming anyway!

The concert I'm not sure about, the late night, as a one off, wouldn't worry me but I'd want other details (who would be with them and I wouldn't want them standing unless the entire concert was standing - even then, I wouldn't want them at the front).