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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do you let your 15/16 yr olds stay over at mixed sleepovers?

27 replies

BorisJohnsonsHair · 17/05/2012 19:02

DD is almost 16 - all her friends are 16 and (according to her) all stay at each other's houses at weekends. They all live in the same town, whereas we live in a village about 4 miles away. she's upset that I won't let her go, and says she feels left out because she's never allowed to go to things and I'm being unreasonable. Just thought I'd canvass a bit of opinion on here and see what sort of things you let your teenagers do. Thanks.

OP posts:
Trix2323 · 17/05/2012 22:34

I regularly let DD stay at sleepovers with her little group of friends, but these are only girls, not mixed. The girls love getting together and have lots of fun and support eachother.

I would always telephone the parents at the other house before DD goes there for the first time.

I once went to pick DD up after a sleepover, and the mother of DDs friend was a bit surprised that I had allowed DD to stay over without having seen the house/mum/friend before!

Are you sure that the sleepover will be mixed? It might be a good idea to check directly with the parents of the friend regarding who else will be there that evening and who else will be sleeping over.

If the conversation with the parents of the friend inspires your confidence, then let her go and - if you can - pick her up the next day.

GnocchiNineDoors · 17/05/2012 22:38

I wouldn't have been allowed to stay at a mixeed sleepover. However, my Mum would offer to collect me at an agreed time, say 11pm, so I could enjoy the 'party' gathering side of it. But I would not be allowed to sleep over.

BackforGood · 17/05/2012 23:28

ds (16 next month) quite often sleeps at his friends' or one of them sleeps here, but they are all lads - girls don't stay over with them. It's just not arisen, but I don't think I'd be encouraging it either, tbh.

out2lunch · 17/05/2012 23:30

no no no but i know other parents who don't mind

Original poster
BorisJohnsonsHair · 18/05/2012 12:29

Thanks for your replies. The situation seems to be that a group of about 6 of them (who seem to be girlfriend/boyfriend) regularly stay at one another's houses - sleeping on the lounge floor. DD's boyfriend is the one whose house it's at. We've had big tears and lots of "I hate living heres" this week, and I do feel sorry for her. I've offered to collect her at 10 pm (have a young DS so don't want to drag him out too late at night), but I know that she'll feel like the baby of the group; the one with the strict horrible mum who won't let her do stuff.

The thing is, she's quite sensible and I don't think they'll be raising hell or getting drunk etc so maybe I should say yes? But a side of me is still saying that she's staying overnight at her boyfriend's house, and that's wrong. Or am I just out of touch? I honestly don't know, as I really feel for DD, but on the other hand can't let her do just anything.

Should probably add that I do let her do stuff - for example she's going to Latitude with a friend later this year.

I'd be very grateful for any other advice please !

OP posts:
hiveofbees · 18/05/2012 12:33

Having been 15 in the past Grin, I would be quite sceptical about this.
I wouldnt allow it.

GnocchiNineDoors · 18/05/2012 12:56

To me, I would not go back and say Yes after allready saying No. If the opportunity comes up again, yes, re-think and if you still want to say No, fine, or Yes fine, whatever, but I really think once you've said No to this time, you should stand by it.

Original poster
BorisJohnsonsHair · 18/05/2012 12:57

hive, I know! Thing is, I was invited to a party at 15 and wasn't allowed to go when all my friends did. And I'm still annoyed at my parents 30 some years later Grin

OP posts:
Houseworkprocrastinator · 18/05/2012 13:12

I'm locking mine up for the whole of their teenage lives! Grin

I went to mixed sleep overs when I was young. I would Defenitly say no. :)

hiveofbees · 18/05/2012 13:23

You might also want to try and work out whether there will be more than 2 people at this mixed sleepover Wink

SecretSquirrels · 18/05/2012 15:49

I do let my 16 year old DS go to mixed sleepover parties but not quite the kind of thing you describe, and not with a girlfriend.
We are very rural and friends are often miles apart in distant villages. Sometimes we do pick him up at 11pm but other times they all sleep in tents or on the floor.

On the changing your mind thing, I always say "I'll think about it"

NiceViper · 18/05/2012 16:27

If you know the parents (no matter how vaguely), and are certain they will be on the premises, and that there are going to be more than DD and her BF at this sleepover, then maybe.

But knowing what I got up to, then it's NO NO NO!!!

Whatnamethistime · 18/05/2012 16:32

Yes I do allow it - and I host mixed sleepiness of 16 year olds as well.

They stay up til about 4am listening to music and fb, girls who want to sleep crash upstairs. Boys downstairs.

Sometimes they are up all night and go to macds for breakfast.

Also can I add OP I think it's unreasonable to not allow her to stay out nor be prepared to pick her up after 10, it's not her fault you have younger DCs (I also hangs younger DCs). It's this sort of thing that breeds resentment in large age gap families.

girliefriend · 18/05/2012 16:35

It depends how innocent you feel it would be and whether you trust the parents that are having the sleepover in their house. When I was 15/16yo I was friends with a group of lads and girls and my parents let us have a sleepover, it was however very innocent (just a bit of hand holding!!!)

I however have a dd so can understand your concerns!!!

Whatnamethistime · 18/05/2012 16:35

Oh and I have a no spirits rule - anyone caught with spirits will have their parents called and they all know it

lesstalkmoreaction · 18/05/2012 16:42

I've let my dd sleep over at mixed sleepovers and judging by the photos that appear on fb all they do is listen to music and have a giggle.But yes some have done more and i've been told by my dd. But I know many of her friends, we live in a rural area and are miles from her friends.
I also trust her and have a good relationship with her, she is now 17 and her sister is nearly 16 so when I say yes to one I know soon I will have to say yes to the other.
I think 10pm pick up is a joke, mine would just laugh. It really depends on the relationship you have with your dd, I know what I was like at 16 and know that my kids are different to me. I wouldn't be quite so understanding though if the sleepover was in a busy town and they could do as they please. The sleepovers she goes to tend to be on farms or other villages miles from any late night entertainment.

signet2012 · 18/05/2012 16:43

Just to add something else into the mix.....

if she is going to be having sex and doing all kinds of other teen things, will this only occur during the hours of 10pm-8am? Whilst others are present?

Or is it more likely to happen between 4-8pm on a normal night of visiting when alone?

Not trying to rock the boat OP but maybe another way to look at it.

I would admire her honesty in one way, I was allowed to sleepovers with my girl friends, I never told my parents WHO exactly would be there, there where often boys.....

Slambang · 18/05/2012 18:41

DS1 (15) asked last week if he could attend a mixed sleepover at friend Oli's house. I hummed and hawed and eventually said 'Well, if Oli's mum's OK with it it's Oli's mum's house.'

And ds2 piped up - 'yes, but it'll be ds1's baby...'

Wise words, I think.

Original poster
BorisJohnsonsHair · 18/05/2012 18:53

whatname I do allow her to stay out; she spends many weekends at sleepovers, but these are all-girl ones. Also, I can pick her up after 10 pm, but not always as DH often has to be away for work.

signet that's pretty much why I think I might be being a bit over-protective. I think it's mainly because I don't know any of the people involved and the area they live in is a bit seedy (not saying they are because the lad seems very nice).

Still can't decide. I have told her no, btw so she has no idea I'm still considering it.

OP posts:
Whatnamethistime · 18/05/2012 21:06

They are adults in 2 years, we have to trust them sometime and gradually allow them freedom.

Whatnamethistime · 18/05/2012 21:12

I do allow her to stay out; she spends many weekends at sleepovers, but these are all-girl ones. Also, I can pick her up after 10 pm, but not always as DH often has to be away for work.

Do you not trust her then?? While she is 15 I agree but she is 16 soon and should be trusted and allowed to make some decisions for herself. And regardless of why - you are curtailing her social life because you have a baby - I'm in the same boat but I ensure older dc isn't impacted by my decision to have a second family - if dh is away I pay for a taxi if I can't find someone to sit with small DCs while I collect older one.

I generally speak to the parents of anyone who hasn't stayed here before (because I really do impose the no spirits rule) and tbh I'd prefer dc to tell the truth to me.

signet2012 · 18/05/2012 22:08

It's a hard call.

Maybe a good time to exercise a bit of "I trust you with this but I expect no x,y,z" as a run up to going away.

Its such a hard age, feel like an adult but still so much a child.

My girl is still in the womb so have a fair while before I have to worry about this, that said its only 13 years since I was 15.... I think mine will have to get up VERY early to catch me out after some of the stuff I pulled.

:)

cardibach · 19/05/2012 18:52

If she's going to Latitude (jealous, by the way) I think you are perhaps being a bit inconsistent not allowing the sleepover - there will be much more opportunity for 'wrong doing' at a festival than in a house with numerous other people!

DameHermione · 19/05/2012 18:57

I do. DD has a bigish mixed group of nice friends. They don't sleep much. I trust her.

singingsoprano · 19/05/2012 19:44

I let my dd stay at mixed sleepovers and have had them at our house. We live in a village, too and I don't drive. My dd tells me everything, I trust her and it's never been a problem.

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