Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Just been told my son's GF is preganant.

93 replies

Blaaah · 20/04/2012 15:58

Hi
Just had the news. Proud of dealing with it well.
Waiting for her mun to 'pick her up' so I can ask her in and help kids tell her (their request)
They are 17 and still at school.
She has chosen adoption and is 7 weeks preg.
Tried to find some good advice re her choices but GP and Marie Stopes were not very helpful.
Any ideas please?

Also, please move this thread if it isn't in the right place.

OP posts:

ahhhhhpushit · 22/04/2012 19:15

What voidka said

YouAREworthIt · 22/04/2012 19:32

This would be your grandchild, how can you say you wouldn't want to be involved?

I suspect she wants to keep the baby but knows that most of you will want her to terminate so is saying she will have the baby adopted to keep going with the pregnancty. Baby is then born and she assumes all will fall in love with him/her.

If this baby is born and kept your son and his girlfriend are going to be tied together forever and that is massive. He will have to pay for him/her, he has a duty to see them and be involved whether he wants too or not.

If he doesn't want the baby he needs to tell her now as she will do what she wants anyway but if she thinks he is going to rushing over with an engagement ring and a bag of nappies (and he isn't) she needs to know now.

flow4 · 22/04/2012 19:43

When I got pregnant with my eldest, I wasn't using contraception, because I wanted a baby. I talked with my partner about wanting a baby, often. I assumed, as many posters here have assumed, that since he didn't (a) use condoms or (b) ever mention not wanting one, he wanted a baby too.

I was wrong. I was about 4 months pregnant when he told me he didn't even like me, let alone love me, and that he didn't want a baby. He told me then, and he has told me (and our son :( ) since, that I 'tricked' him.

With the benefit of hindsight I can see that we did not understand each other at all, though I couldn't have told you that at the time. And we were adults (I was 29 and he was 34) - much older than these two young people.

I think it's quite likely possible that they are not clear about their own feelings, let alone each other's. You can probably be most helpful here if you support your son to be honest with himself, and then he stands a chance of being honest with his girlfriend.

Annunziata · 22/04/2012 21:11

It's a terrible situation. If it were me, I'd sit them down and say you will support them no matter what, but you need to be brutally honest with them- work out where she is going to live if she has this baby, the weekly cost of nappies, food, bills etc. You need to get them to work out where this money is going to come from.

If I'm bring perfectly honest with you, if this was my son, he would not be going to university, he would be getting a job. This is his baby too and if his girlfriend decides to have it, she deserves his support.

I wish you all the best in working this out.

flow4 · 23/04/2012 07:21

Yes, she does deserve his support, but if she isn't going to get it, she is much better off knowing that, sooner rather than later. Many grown men don't have the maturity to meet their responsibilities, let alone 17yo boys. It's miserable and impossible very difficult for a mother to try to 'extract' support from a reluctant father. She'll need to focus her energy on her own choices, and on the baby if she chooses to have it... If he doesn't want to be involved, then it's like giving her another child to look after. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's true: he is only any use if he's ready to be a man now.

Mama1980 · 23/04/2012 07:45

I second that she should have his full support but if he is not up to that then she is bette riff knowing sooner rather than later. If it was my son i would be suggesting putting uni on hold, consider a job, housing etc he is 50% responsible it isn't about him anymore it's about the baby. I am uncomfortable with the idea this was deliberate as well- I was 26 when I fell with ds I was on the pill and we used condoms, we we super careful and Iy was just one of those things I was that 1% they always warn you about on the packaging.

DrunkenDaisy · 25/04/2012 12:36

Also if he is going to Uni then I think you should pay some kind of maintenance in his place.

Mumofthreeteens · 26/04/2012 19:49

When has your bf or dh ever rung/texted you to make sure you have taken the pill? The op's son was being responsible poor chap and I am sure will wear a condom in future to be extra sure!

I dread ds 17 coming home with that life changing news.

I hope it all works out for the best.

slipperandpjsmum · 27/04/2012 10:19

What a situation to be in.

All I can say is I was adopted and the life long pain it has caused me and my birth family is heartbreaking. I now work in the field of adoption and tbh it really hasn't changed that much from 40 years ago.

If the baby is adopted none of you may ever see the child/adult again and as she goes on to have more children or you have more grandchildren there will always be someone missing. Do not underestimate the effect of this. When I met my birth family years ago the ripples of pain had been felt by the whole family.

Clearly my perspective is that of an adopted person and a professional in the field of adoption and I am not in your shoes. All you can do is be there to support and listen and help them to make the best choices for them.

Hope everything works out for you all.

sashh · 28/04/2012 09:28

Garn! It's like a big wall has come down across the bright future they had

I worked with a doctor who gave birth when she was 17. She said she could not have managed medical school without her parents helping with child care. A baby is a huge change but not the end of the world.

2sCompany · 28/04/2012 15:13

I am also adopted and contrary to skipperandpjsmum's comments above I don't feel any 'pain' because of it. I feel special that my adoptive mum picked me and I know that I was very much longed for. She has always loved me and done the best for me. My birth mum chose to give me up having had me at 18 and did not want to bring me up on welfare, she wanted me to have a better life.

Having said that, I am now 32 and have a 6 month old that was unplanned. I considered all the options and decided I couldn't go through with an adoption myself.

2sCompany · 28/04/2012 15:20

oops posted too soon... i was going to say, I dont know how the adoption system works here in this day and age (I was adopted in the US), but I admire anyone who has the emotional strength to carry a baby, give birth to it and give it up, for whatever reason, to a (hopefully) deserving and loving family. I didnt have the strength to do it in my 30s let alone my teens.

So I think some sort of counselling to consider all options and their implications would be a positive step. Obviously asap as time is of the essence in this case. Good luck to all concerned.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 28/04/2012 15:44

People on here have been very harsh about the OP's DS not using a condom. The couple decide on contraception - he reminded her daily - how can that not be responsible - more than most 17 year old boys. I feel very sorry for him, and i really hope the male pill will be an option soon so that 'accidental' pregnancies are considerably reduced.

Suzie605 · 29/04/2012 15:47

Giving up a child for adoption could lead to a lifetime of regret and sadness for the birth mother. It's tough on the child too losing a birth mother is not an easy path.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 29/04/2012 15:52

Have given a lot of thought to this - as the parent of a teenage and soon to be teenage boy, this is my worst nightmare.
The 'decision' these two have made is not really a decision at all, it is doing nothing - ie postponing a decision.
And of course when the baby arrives the girl will not be able to give it up for adoption.

BettyGrable · 29/04/2012 15:54

Sorry if I have missed anything, but has the girl had impartial counselling? She really should have it.

In my own opinion (unbiased, obviously), abortion at this early stage would be far, far easier all round than adoption.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 29/04/2012 16:34

Betty, you are right. What is very upsetting is that the prevailing view on MN seems to be that the boy has no say in whther or not the girl has the baby - entirely her decision, but he has the responsibility of supporting her and the baby forever.

BertieBotts · 29/04/2012 17:55

Realistically, though, he could walk away, have nothing to do with his child, and not be judged for it (by the majority of people). Of course the right thing to do would be for him to step up and support the child financially and/or emotionally, but you can't ignore the fact that in real life it's very simple (practically - perhaps not emotionally) for a father to walk away with little to no repercussions.

Whether or not to go through with a pregnancy should always be the woman's decision, because it's her body and nobody has the right to force her to do anything with that body that she doesn't want to do.

Flip

1 2 3 4