Just been told my son's GF is preganant.

[Blaaah]

Hi
Just had the news. Proud of dealing with it well.
Waiting for her mun to 'pick her up' so I can ask her in and help kids tell her (their request)
They are 17 and still at school.
She has chosen adoption and is 7 weeks preg.
Tried to find some good advice re her choices but GP and Marie Stopes were not very helpful.
Any ideas please?

Also, please move this thread if it isn't in the right place.

The BPAS offer counselling exploring all options, not just abortion counselling.

I don't see why they couldn't go off to uni together, it would just mean they'd have to juggle courses and perhaps make a compromise so that both of them can do their preferred course at the university they end up going to.

Most universities have flat accommodation for couples with children. Lots have nurseries on site, if not, there is nothing to stop them using another nursery, or a childminder. They could also take a gap year so that the baby is older before starting uni.

I had my dd1 at 17 and whilst it wasn't easy (is having a baby ever easy?) it was do able and my dd1 is now 13yrs old and I am so glad I kept my baby. I didn't stay with her dad but that was because he wasn't supportive/ nice person/ wouldn't provide for us etc when I was 19 I met my lovely dh and we are very happy.

Just saying where there is a will there is a way.

Unfortunately, I don't think they love each other enough to make things work. When we planned to emigrate, he wasn't devastated about leaving her behind. I don't think she is planning to spend the rest of her life with him either.

He's going to have to do the difficult thing here and tell the truth about what he wants instead of going along with things so that he's not 'the bad guy'. At least that way she can make a decision with full knowledge.

ThisIsYesterday - thanks for that. She had discounted going to BPS as it did look as if they would give advice in only one direction - abortion.

Hving looked at their website, there's a great section they can talk through to help them make a decision.

Thanks again.

Wow. I'm usually against the idea of abortion. Having had one myself years ago, it was truly heartbreaking and I hate the thought of another person having to go through it. I was 18 weeks when it was done.
Reading fully the situation with this girl and your son I actually (surprising to myself) think termination at such an early stage now would be the best thing.
But, of course some people are completely against it which maybe your son's gf is. It is entirely up to her. But they are so young and probably not even going to stay together but will be bound to each other for life.

The only person who can decide what to do about the baby is the woman who's carrying it. I'm not being rude but surely anyone else's opinion about whether an abortion would be the best thing is irrelevant? And it's therefore better to give advice based upon the fact that the girl has decided to keep the baby.

It's certainly true that most teenage couples outgrow each other. But everything may still work out for the best. Do you think your ds would want to be an involved father even though he and the child's mother might not stay together?

The fact that she's deciding to give the baby up for adoption seems so extreme. But I suppose she may change her mind. It seems sad all round to me. It's not like the couple are even in love by the sounds of it.
I totally agree with it being completely her decision. It's a shame she forgot her pill and then didn't think to use the morning after pill. Do you think she possibly wanted to get pregnant?
It will be a huge lesson for your son to use contraception even if his gf already is in future.

Perception - I don't think it's irrelevant to have an opinion, though of course the decision is hers and no one is going to try to force the issue. We just want her to think carefully about all her options. This is why the BPAS page is so good. it asks sensible questions around all the options.

She has said she definitely doesn't want to keep the baby but her mum and I think she may well not understand how impossible difficult it is to give up a baby.

I'm sure my son wouldn't ignore his financial responsibilities but I'm unsure about him wanting to be an involved father. If they don't stay together, his planned career will mean a lot of travel.

Hard as it is in so many ways, on a woman to woman basis, I'd like to tell her that I don't think it's wise for her to go into this assuming she will be playing happy families.

Oh gosh what a situation. My experience of BPAS was that the counselling wasn't great and was very much about ticking boxes towards having a termination. How about going to see a private counsellor? Not necessarily one that specialises in abortion but one who will help her to explore her options?

If she does decide she wants a termination and she's quick she could take the abortion pill that would cause a "miscarriage". Would this be more acceptable to her?

It's really hard to be objective because the idea of giving up a baby for adoption is, to me, so much worse than a chemical termination.

I kept my baby and love him to bits but my life is not better or worse for having done so, just different. For every reward there is a compromise. I think we would have been just as happy if I had decided not to keep the baby.

Berry - I'll probably get a flaming for this but I have suspected that this is the case re her wanting to get pregnant. Considering her periods used to be months apart, it's darned unlucky to get pregnant by missing one pill then taking it within the 12 hour 'grace' period. Her home life is utterly cack and I have often wondered whether she sees my son as a 'safe' pair of hands and an escape. To be fair, when they started dating, several of my friends voiced these concerns to me. It was she who made the running in the first place. I think he's never been head over heels about her-which doesn't make him look good, I know.

But nevertheless, it is what it is now and I won't be mudslinging as I do feel really sorry for her in so many ways.
I just wish she'd got out of bed and taken her pill when he texted her.

Or that your DS had used a condom...

If your DS has no intention of being an involved father (or coughing up financially) it is very very important that he tells her the truth about this. no matter how hard, if he won't you need to.

My friend got pregnant at this age to her boyfriend who swore blind he would be there for them finacially/physically and has since fucked off. It was not fair on her to have made a decision with only half the facts and it wouldn't be fair on this girl either.

Please don't start down the "it's her fault, she did it deliberately, she's trapped my son" line of thought. I know it may be tempting for you but please try not to.

Yes I have been sitting on my hands to stop myself mentioning condoms. Not much point now really... but perhaps for the future? Bit better than wishing she'd taken a pill.

This is what I think, TeWihara. Though I think he would cough up financially. But TBH he gets a bit of pocket money and will have a student loan so even 50% of peanuts is peanuts.

ALthough ultimately the girl will have the final say in abortion or not, I think your son should be very clear to her about his own opinions. He needs to be utterly straight with her and say if he doesn't want Fatherhood.

I would have said an abortion now in the very early weeks would be much less traumatic than giving a baby up for adoption or struggling on (probably without your son ultimately from what as been said) as a single parent with a family who don't sound like they will offer much support.

Blaaah it does sound possible that this wasnt an accident. It always surprises me how many people get pregnant "by accident" yet everyone i know who is actively trying for a baby takes months and months!

Maybe she is just saying adoption so she equally seems shocked etc and has no intention of adopting the baby.

Lots of girls do get pregnant deliberately and its very unfair on the fathers (not saying they all do so don't flame me but the OP has thought this and I do know lots of girls who have done it).

In his case, given that he doesnt seem to be overly into her, I would get him to explain his feelings, that he will always support her etc but can't guarantee he will be her long term partner (it may sound harsh but if thats how he feels its better for it to be out in the open). She may feel differently about her options once she knows the reality. They arfe both onlhy 17 so whilst they may thinking 'happy families' now, the reality is very few people are still with their childhood partners.

I understand your disappointment - i'd be gutted too.

I don't think the issue is about using a condom TheFallenMadonna, they had decided to opt for the pill - missing one (if she did) is her responsibility where that sounds harsh or not. Getting pregnant doing everything right is different.

If she does go down the abortion route (unlikely from what she said), the aftermath is not all doom and gloom, i know a good few people who have had them and have no regrets whatssoever. Its personal circumstances at the time

Ahhhh - I'd be able to squash the thought more easily if it was just me that had ever thought it IYSWIM and it's certainly not something I'll be saying out loud.

Condoms AND the pill. Really? Well with hindsight, yes.

"I think a termination at 7 weeks - after all, your period is only 3 weeks late - would be far less traumatic than giving up a child."

Agree.

Meaning several of my friends have voiced concerns about it.

A termination at 7 weeks involves taking 2 tablets and no stay in hospital - much less invasive than after 12 weeks. Has she been given all the facts about such things as teenagers get a of of 'scary' misleading info at that age. She really does need independent advice.

I think your ds should explain his feeling to his girlfriend.

If she doesn't want to have an abortion, sadly it is her choice. I say sadly, because to me abortion would be the only logical outcome in this particular situation.

We had DD before DH had finished his degree, he was away while he finished it, but came home every weekend and rarely went out because we needed the money for DD.

It might be worth talking to him about this level of commitment on both sides (would he visit very regularly? If not he can't promise to be there, would he sacrifice a social life so he can give her £20 a week for nappies? If not he can't promise financial support either.)

I'm glad you agree that it is best to tell her the truth, I do feel bad for her however she ended up pregnant - 17 is the height of fertility so an accidental pregnancy is not ridiculous even on the pill.

She does know that adoption in the uk isn't the same as she's seen on the telly?

She doesn't get to pick the family and have the baby then they march off in to the sunset and she gets on with her life?

Social services probably would look at keeping the baby within the family first and she would have no say in who got the baby it might even have to ho into care if a sutiblr home wasn't immediately available and she may never hear from the baby again
And shell have to cope with her hormones body changes etc.. And get no positive outcome (ie baby ) in the end For her as someone else will be taking it home

Get in touch with local ss to get them to explain how adoption might work my sil never worked it out till later and had an abortion at 15 weeks :(

Fair enough if she wants to keep it I did at 17 and I'm perfectly happy with a uni degree

Sunny she does have a phobia about needles and medical stuuf. I've only just read up on the abortion pill/pessary info on the BPAS website and because I'm ancient, I though you had to have an op.

When her mum asked whether she wanted to keep the baby, she seemed sure that she didn't so maybe she is just very scared of the procedure.

Yes she really does need independent advice. We're all out of our depth here.