Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just been told my son's GF is preganant.

93 replies

Blaaah · 20/04/2012 15:58

Hi
Just had the news. Proud of dealing with it well.
Waiting for her mun to 'pick her up' so I can ask her in and help kids tell her (their request)
They are 17 and still at school.
She has chosen adoption and is 7 weeks preg.
Tried to find some good advice re her choices but GP and Marie Stopes were not very helpful.
Any ideas please?

Also, please move this thread if it isn't in the right place.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 21/04/2012 13:54

Good lord. Look, if you don't want a baby, you use a condom when you have sex. If you are male, that means you use a condom. If you are in a committed adult relationship, then joint responsibilty for one method us appropriate. Otherwise...

This is the message I try to give my year 9 PSHE class, and us certainly the message I will give my children. Talking about a pregnant 17yo trapping her boyfriend sits very ill with me. And if you had suspicions, all the more reason to be talking about his contraceptive responsibilities with him.

However, that shop has indeed sailed. And yes, if your DS has no intention of playing an active role should she have the baby, she needs to know that in order to make a decision.

sunnyday123 · 21/04/2012 13:56

I went with my friend to have her 'medical' abortion at just over 7 weeks. She met a nurse and took one tablet. She then went back for another 48 hours later. She then went home and everything passed naturally (like a heavy period). She just went back a few days later to check everything ok.

Sorry to be so graphic but if it is fear, she should be aware its an entirely different thing having an abortion before 9 weeks.

Bluebell99 · 21/04/2012 13:59

Your ds didn't take responsibility for contraception, going with her to talk about her having an implant and texting her daily to remind her to take her pill (not sure I even find that believable tbh) was not being responsible. if he did not want to be in this situation, he should have used a condom, along with the pill. This is his mistake as much as hers. And that baby will be your grandchild.

Original poster
Blaaah · 21/04/2012 14:06

Bluebell yes he is as responsible for the pregnancy as she is.
He certainly did text her daily when the alarm he set on his mobile for just that purpose went off. It was something I suggested when he told me she was going on the pill. He didn't want to leave it all to her to remember. He is generally very reliable like that - ironically.

OP posts:
sunnyday123 · 21/04/2012 14:09

I think they were both a bit naive - the important thing for you is to get ds to confess true worries and feeling so her choice is realistic and based on reality and not a dreamt up fairy tale.

TheFallenMadonna · 21/04/2012 14:13

If she does continue with the pregnancy, and if she keeps the baby, how involved would you want to be?

Original poster
Blaaah · 21/04/2012 14:17

I wouldn't WANT to be but I would probably end up being involved - reluctantly.

OP posts:
Empusa · 21/04/2012 14:18

"It always surprises me how many people get pregnant "by accident" yet everyone i know who is actively trying for a baby takes months and months!"

Just wanted to reply to this, I was TTC for 2 years unsuccessfully, then gave up and went back on the pill - I got pregnant almost immediately. It happens.

Not comfortable with suggestions the girl planned this. Confused

roughtyping · 21/04/2012 14:25

Can't believe the suggestions that the girl planned this.

I got pregnant at 17. My boyfriend was an idiot. His mum thought he was entirely innocent and wanted 'the best' for him, screw how me and the baby were coping. It's a horrific, demeaning situation to be in. Incidentally, I have made a great life for DS and myself. His dad sees him, Oooh, once every 2 years, if he can be bothered. I am aware that he lies about this though and claims that I don't let him see DS.

This girl needs lots of support to make the right choice. Have you suggested she speak to a counsellor yet? Obviously the sooner, the better.

Fizzybee · 21/04/2012 14:25

Me neither empusa , seems there all ganging up on her convinced she must of trapped this little boy

Maybe she ad her own plans for life that are now in ruins
Maybe she's scared shitless
Maybe she will still want to continue despite the father not being involved
Maybe she's saying adoption as she knows she doesn't w ant an abortion and needs some breathing space from people suggesting it
Maybe shell be a great mum

Please don't manipulate the girl into am abortion she's old enough to legally make the decision and she's the one who has to live with it maybe she will terminate after thinking it through maybe she won't that's for HER to decide

Fizzybee · 21/04/2012 14:26

Sorry for the terrible errors in typing babyhanded

mummytime · 21/04/2012 14:32

I know a lot of married women in secure happy relationships, who cry when discovering they are pregnant. I am sure they didn't want another baby, although all seem quite happy eventually. Babies have been conceived: on the pill, using condoms, and with the coil fitted (that was a mid-wife, who also felt embarassed). One friend has 5 children, three of whom were conceived by accident, fortunately the vasectomy was successful.

ahhhhhpushit · 21/04/2012 14:34

"I wouldn't WANT to be but I would probably end up being involved - reluctantly."

Hmm

And at what age do you think the child will become aware of this.... reluctance?

Francagoestohollywood · 21/04/2012 14:49

Why on MN people are always expected to embrace any pregnancy with joy?

Yes, it is unfair to think that the girlfriend got pg on purpose.
And I really feel for a 17 yrs old who finds herself in this situation, despite having taken precautions (and sorry, they both decided to use the pill as a contraceptive. I used the pill for several yrs and never occurred to me to also use a condom).
I really feel for this girl, yes, she must feel scared and confused.

But I also feel for the OP, I think that at this stage she is perfectly entitled to accept this pg with reluctance.
I wouldn't be over the moon (initially) if my children became parents at 17.

BBQJuly · 21/04/2012 14:58

If she "does have a phobia about needles and medical stuuf" then how's she going to cope with antenatal care, giving birth and all that will happen afterwards?

Original poster
Blaaah · 21/04/2012 15:28

I guess it boils down to this. They are both responsible for creating this pregnancy. It will have an effect on their lives whatever happens next. She has the choice to make about how it will affect her life and he has the choice to make about how it will affect his life.

Poor buggers.

Signing off now with big thanks for all your opinions and help.

OP posts:
perceptionreality · 21/04/2012 18:38

sunnyday - just because the procedure is straightforward doesn't make it mentally easy to undertake. A few years ago a MNer posted on here having had the first stage of this type of abortion and half way through she changed her mind after having taken the tablet.

I also think that if the girlfriend in the op did want to get pregnant then it's highly unlikely she will want to go through with an abortion. If she was actively trying to prevent pregnancy, however it's more likely she would consider it an option and be ok afterwards. That's what the research shows I believe.

Heswall · 21/04/2012 23:16

There is research that suggests an awful lot of people who have an abortion get pregnant again within a relatively short period of time.
It must be really hard to be the mother if the father in this situation and sit back whilst somebody else decides his future. Both kids need support whatever the eventual outcome.

slipslider · 22/04/2012 14:58

my friend got pregnant at 19, we expected the worst and that there were so many negatives to having a baby....however - 10 years down the line, her and fella are happily married with a 2nd child and a mortgage. Having a family has been the making of her and she has really flourished as a mother.....it is not all doom and gloom. In this economic climate...will an education straight away (e.g. going to uni right now) really help them to get a job more than the next person? I've a degree, post grad and masters under my belt and am finding it very hard to get a permanent position in my field despite 12 years working experience too! They can always go to uni later in life....life is much more flexible these days. Good luck to them whatever they decide.

IAmBooyhoo · 22/04/2012 15:07

sorry but i dont believe for a second that a girl who wanted to get pregnant would be so sure she wanted to have the baby adopted. not for one second. and how disappointing that your son wouldn't live up to his responsibilities as the person 50% responsible for a child's existence.

BertieBotts · 22/04/2012 15:12

Even if they don't remain together, they could always go to the same uni or she could move near him when he goes so that they can share childcare responsibilities.

IAmBooyhoo · 22/04/2012 15:21

or he could move near her.

BertieBotts · 22/04/2012 15:31

He could, but I was just trying to show some options which would mean that the going to uni thing wouldn't have to be compromised, if he's dead set on it and she isn't. Although if she's planning on relying on family support, you're right, it would make more sense for him to go to uni somewhere closer to home, or go later.

Rubirosa · 22/04/2012 16:11

Regardless of how or why she got pregnant, your ds needs to be very clear about what he sees in their future - eg they are unlikely to stay together, he will support the baby financially but he (and you) are unlikely to have much input into actually raising he baby. I don't know whether the girlfriend should keep the baby or not, but she needs to have all the facts available to her before she makes a decision.

Agree though that if she does want to have an abortion, then the sooner the better.

Voidka · 22/04/2012 16:18

I had DS1 at 17.
My MIL was just like you - thinking I had trapped her precious boy into having a baby.
If I were you I would be disappointed that your DS is not responsible enough to stand up to his responsibilities, and focus on that.