Holiday activities- what do you do with reluctant teen?

[homebythesea]

So I have 14 year old boy and 11 year old girl. Anything my daughter suggests she wants to do eg swimming, skating etc is deemed "embarrassing" or beneath contempt by the teen. He says just leave me at home. I am reluctant to do this because I know it will mean he spends all day in front of a screen of some sort and lead to boredom induced lethargy and snotty mood.

He is not into outdoor pursuits, all his chums are away (apparently) and finding something appropriate for the 2 of them is difficult (the 11 year old is quite young IYSWIM)

So do I just leave him at home or drag him out with us??

Ooh sounds familiar.

DH has the week off and we are struggling to find things that DC1 (nearly 13) and DS2 (10) both think is acceptable. Weather is pants.

DS1 won't go to Splash Hour with DS2 as it's not cool

We are all watching a DVD at the moment but DS1 has 'the face' on.

I'd would definately leave the 14 yo at home. There is nothing pleasant about dragging around a reluctant teenager. Mine is 18 now but I let him choose whether or not he joined us from the time he started to say that he didn't iyswim.

Lounging around on laptop, xbox, tv etc. is what teenage boys do. Save the arguements for things that matter - education, safety etc.

Mine is still into lounging around (he's doing it now), he's been up for food and now got back in bed with laptop and tv on! He's a decent lad who doesn't give me any grief (cause I don't give him much), he goes to uni (stay at home) and I like to think I take his views into consideration - just as I expect him to do with mine. It seems to work.

Hope this helps

I would feel guilty if we went out without DS1.

Another one here with the same problem - ds 14 and dd 10.
Ds not bothered about meeting friends much but finding something to do with them both is a nightmare.
Best success was bowling yesterday - even though it cost me an arm and a leg as we eat there too.
He's just looked at me as if I'm mad when I suggested we could pop to the beach for a walk. Think dd and me will be going on our own.

It makes me feel a bit sad TBH. Like things are changing.

I also think that DS2 is missing out because when DS1 was 10, he was 8 so we did loads of family stuff together.

This is the first school holiday that has seemed weird.

Drag him out. Keep it short though and if you go for a walk make sure it involves a cafe too.

Maybe take a friend swimming with the younger one and get him to sit in the cafe with you by (eg) popping to Game with him while they're in there, if he doesn't want to go in. Treat him a bit more like an adult - you wouldn't expect your DH to go into splash time either! - but don't let him ruin everything. He'll feel better if he gets out and if he doesn't he'll arrange things with his friends!

You sound as though you need rules about screen time - in our house they are off between ten and four which means teenagers are more likely to come out with me because they know the alternative isn't Skyrim!

(I am currently hiding in the kitchen having ten mins on the internet but they don't know that!)

Sorry, too many exclamation marks. I do know this isn't nethuns.

DS1 had a friend round all day yesterday so that was ok apart from him moaning about DS2 wanting to join in.

We want to go and see Pirates tomorrow but DS1 doesn't want to see it. Is this the start of not doing stuff as a family, or doing it and putting up with 'the face'?

My DSs spent most of their holiday in the bar of holiday village. They met other teens and hung out with them, playing the odd game of pool. They were happy and, since we knew where they were, we were happy too.

I would absolutely not leave a 14 year old at home!

I nag mine occasionally about eating more fruit (and less chocolate), doing some sport, or meeting up with friends, but I wouldn't try and drag a reluctant 13+ anywhere.

I'm not advising leaving a 14 yo home whilst you go on holiday! But the differences in terms of what appeals to an 11 yo girl and 14 yo boy are miles apart. You know your own DC's and whether you could trust a 14 yo to stay home alone. I could with both mine - however we did have good neighbours and grandparents weren't too far away (walking distance).

I would give them the choice, often the initial "no chance" turns into "well go on then", when you don't make a fuss but chat about what you are going to do with younger dc. If you make a fuss then more likely to dig their heels in and if you make them go - then they could ruin the day for everyone.

Some people just like to be seen out 'as a family' or like to tell everyone about their 'family day out'. Done for appearnaces imho.

I really sympathise with this.

I have a 14yo DS and 2DDs aged 5&6, so finding activities appropriate for all is difficult and always has been. My concerns are: reluctance to leave him alone for too long, guilt for ignoring/ neglecting him, the fact the girls do take priority when deciding what to do, concern that he spends too much time attached to a screen, irritation at hs "attitude" if we drag him out, etc

We get round it by allowing him to opt out and stay home (with ground rules) if we're out for up to half a day, dragging him out with us for whole days out (family walks usually end up with him miles in front or behind, pretending he's not with us!), "rewarding" him (eg a hot chocolate with the works) for a "grown-up" (non grumpy) attitude, planning some outings of his choice with either me or OH without the girls, encouraging him to arrange time to see his friends (he's done this today, so I took the girls to a play barn). We're trying to educate him to recognise that he feels better in himself if he has been out, and try to make a point of saying that we missed him or enjoedy his company depending on whether he joined us.

Really it's all trial and error in our house.

It's really hard. DS1 isn't great about making arrangements. I think he is a bit torn TBH, he wants to spend time with us but doesn't want to do what we do.

All so interesting ladies thanks!

I agree that they often feel better if they have been out to do something even if they complain beforehand. But I also agree that I need to listen to him and take his views into account and not penalise my daughter if he doesn't want to do the same thing!

I worry about the mooching about time but if I'm honest at the same age I wasn't all get up and go either. He is a good lad most of the time, works hard at school (most of the time!) so maybe I need to worry less about him doing "nothing" sometimes....

Has anyone broached doing the homework yet? He does this every holiday. I just know he will be there on Sunday evening moaning and groaning.

And Sparkling I know what you mean about feeling guilty if you don't include both kids especially as my son already complains about the amount of time we devote to DD's particular hobby which involves lots of dropping off and picking up etc. if I took DD swimming and left him at home at his request I kind of know he will still resent it

Yes, we often get accused of favouritism but we are basically showing DS2 the same attention that DS1 got when he was 10. You really can't win.

What is everyone doing regarding summer holidays? We always have a week self catering in the UK, but at this point in time it doesn't feel like a very exciting prospect trying to please both Ds for a week.

Sparkling- on our family holidays we have a policy of no opting out on the basis that it will only be a few years before the eldest will not be coming on family holidays! However based on the experiences and discussions we have had over the last year or so we have come to the conclusion that neither child likes being "organised" ALL the time so we have gone for a flop by the pool type thing this year with options for day trips should the need arise which does grate against our view that you need to get out and experience different places etc but if they are happy and all that..

It will be a looooong 9 weeks though

We're doing a week's uk self-catering and will carry on with a combination of full-day and half-day trips out, expecting everyone (him!) to join in. Possibly strange, but I'm not really happy leaving him alone in an unfamiliar place. However, I'm hoping DS will still be on a post-camping high cos he'll have just returned from a school trip away- he was lovely (for about 2 days ) after the last trip.

Well I hope he doesn't bring 'the face' on holiday. He is off to Germany for a week on a school trip so he can count that as his main holiday.

If you are anywhere near Oxford then I recommend the Pitt Rivers museum. It has enough shrunken heads and weapons to keep any teenage boy happy.

sparkling, I'd recommend Ribby Hall near Blackpool

lots to do for the ages of both your kids

pm me if you want more info

Abit of reverse psychology sometimes works too. I used to say things like "so n so' says her son is doing xyz but I said you wouldn't want to do it" or "look at this (reads from paper/leaflet) there's no chance of me letting you do this". Cue DS shrugging but then later coming along with the idea as though it's his - I put up a bit of half hearted reason why he can't and then relent, with a proviso.

When I tell him this now (he's 18) he thinks it's hilarious that is what I did (and very devious).