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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is it just sibling banter?

19 replies

NicolaWorkHardPartyHarder · 06/04/2012 17:11

My DS and DD are twins (15) and have very different personalities. DS is incredibly lazy, laidback and good natured; DD is very energetic, vivacious, and 'talks bacl' more. She seems to be constantly having a go at her brother: about his weight, usually (he's quite big, and she's very petite.) DS never seems bothered by this; he's very affectionate to all of his sisters. Should I step in, or say something? Confused would you just class it as sibling banter? It is full-on offensive, sometimes. Thanks!

OP posts:
PurplePidjINRE · 06/04/2012 17:16

Banter. The acceptable name for Being A Cunt.

Tell her not to be so rude!

Original poster
NicolaWorkHardPartyHarder · 06/04/2012 17:18

Yes. Just have! She was going at him again. Thanks!

OP posts:
Calamityboo · 06/04/2012 17:19

My brother always commented on my size when we were growing up, and my mother allowed him to. I do have a good relationship with him now but spent too much of my youth worrying about my weight, I thought because the comments were never stopped by my mum that they must be true, I still have weight issues now and no parent/sibling I can talk to about it, when friends say that I look good or lost weight I think they are just being polite but lying to me as I have no good experience of being told that I do look good, or when brother was making the comments he was never told to stop it as I was fine as I was, now I constantly worry about it. Sorry he this is not the news you wanted but as a mother it is up to you to make sure that your ds is not upset on a level that will make him paranoid all his life that he is not good enough. As far as he is concerned you are allowing dd yo do this so it must be true!

Ingles2 · 06/04/2012 17:21

Succinctly put pidj Grin
In all seriousness, no its not acceptable. If you wouldn't treat friends and neighbours like it, you don't treat the people you are supposed to love like it either.
Why does she think this is ok? Why is she trying to humiliate and belittle her twin.? Is it a reflection of her own insecurities?
You need to sit down and talk frankly to her , cos quite frankly if she did this to someone outside the home she,d be called a bully!

PurplePidjin · 06/04/2012 17:26

It's my favourite phrase Grin

Btw op, I'm not for one second suggesting you call your 15yo a Cunt! Just that you stick up for ds when she's being vile

ragged · 06/04/2012 17:32

"If you don't have anything nice to say then say nothing at all." Think Thumper had it right.

SecretSquirrels · 06/04/2012 17:39

I don't tolerate DS1 thumping his brother (which is just horseplay).Verbal abuse can be much more painful.

BackforGood · 06/04/2012 18:11

What ragged (and Thumper) said Smile

Rezolution · 06/04/2012 18:15

My brother was allowed to make fun of my nose and my teeth and my figure (skinny in those days) and pretty well any part of my body with my mother's silent consent. Have not seen him since 1979 Thank God.

Tranquilidade · 06/04/2012 18:18

My two have a really good relationship and will insult each other no end, but never anything that would upset the other. They never ever joke about anything that is a sensitive point

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 07/04/2012 01:35

Stop her now. Every time. 'Did you mean to be so rude?' etc etc

Being a sibling/twin is no excuse for being unpleasant and rude, which she is definitely being and it WILL affect him. Would she say it to her friends? (if the answer is yes then ouch!)

Having four teens myself I have witnessed just how much they DO take to heart off the cuff comments, it's hurts most from close family and I think it's really important to nip it in the bud because even though your DS seems to be okay with it, it WILL hurt.

Rezolution · 07/04/2012 11:04

Medusa I could not agree more. It is corrosive and soul-destroying. If you cannot get support from your close family, then who can you rely on?

Original poster
NicolaWorkHardPartyHarder · 08/04/2012 13:46

Thanks v. much everyone- Tranquilidade,that was really what I meant: they do have a very good relationship- I was just looking for feedback to see if anyone else was in that same situation

OP posts:
BackforGood · 08/04/2012 14:36

I agree with what Tranquilaidade said too. Mine give each other loads of stick, but know each other well enough that they don't tease, or comment on things the others are sensitive about. I don't think it would be very relaxed if you had to grow up unable to have a joke with your siblings though.

Calamityboo · 08/04/2012 15:14

Like I said, I have a very good relationship with my brother but that does not mean that what he said didn't hurt or leave me with a lifetime of doubt about myself. I am also glad that you finally found a post on here to reply to so that you can continue to live in denial about the damaged that could be caused by your refusal to deal with the situation.

BackforGood · 08/04/2012 15:21

..... or maybe the building up of a certain strength of character that means her children don't crumble as soon as someone says something less than complimentary.

Calamityboo · 08/04/2012 15:39

I am not suggesting that they do not have a laugh and a joke but you said it yourself Backfor, that a line would be drawn at something they were particularly sensetive about. My mother never intervened and gave her (brilliantly worded) 'silent consent' for comments to be made about a subject that at the beginning I was probably not that sensitive about, but constant comments and jokes made over long periods of time, and it does become a problem. The OP seemed to be waiting for a post to tell her that it is ok for her DS to do this to her DD, I am saying that in my (personal) experience it needs to be stopped as a few comments here and their in 'fun' can soon become deeply hurtful. My brother and me always managed to have fun and giggles at a lot of other things, but he difinitly over stepped the mark with the weight jibes and my mother allowed him to. It has actually back fired on her these days, as a parent myself I realise that it is up to me to tell my DC's what is appropriate to joke about and coment on, and to make sure that they know how to have fun but not hurt any ones feelings. I have realised that she should have done this for me and my brother, and in not doing so, she caused me years of hurt, anger, self doubt and shame which I cannot forgive her for. She should have got him to stop it.

Rezolution · 08/04/2012 15:48

calamity Could not have said it better myself. nWink

theredhen · 11/04/2012 07:55

I agree with the poster who has said that you shouldn't have to put up with the nastiness from someone who is supposed to love you, your home should be a safe place away from bullying.

If the "banter" isn't stopped you are condoning bullying. Nip it in the bud and teach your dd that kindness will get you further in life than put downs.

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