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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My fourteen year old DS has announced that he is gay

14 replies

suzy82 · 29/03/2012 11:47

My fourteen year old son has informed me that he is gay. I told him I'm there for him whatever and will always love him but maybe fourteen is a bit young to know for sure. He is totally adamant and TBH it is is a shock. Of course, I'll support him in in his choices but I do think it's a tougher life and, as a parent, you can't help worrying. I'm not sure of the best way to deal with things. Advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Convert · 29/03/2012 11:55

You say it's a shock, have there been signs of him being gay, have you thought it before? My BIL is and all of the family say they knew from when he was very young, so by the time he came out at 18 everyone was just like, meh.
Are you ok with this? I think you have done the right thing by being supportive but also saying that 14 is very young to decide for definate who you are. I would put it across as that you love him no matter what but you were a completely different person at 14 than you are today and it takes time to evolve in to the person you end up as.
Will family and friends be ok with it?

Gapants · 29/03/2012 11:58

This website for you and your son. Probably the best most comprehensive sex advice one out there IMO,

www.scarleteen.com/

Keep up the message of support, no judgement and no shock. Your son sounds very brave and confident.

AgentProvocateur · 29/03/2012 11:58

Hi, welcome to the club Smile

There's a LGBT children board on here somewhere where lots of us have posted before when we've been exactly in your position. It might help you to read some of the threads there.

Gapants · 29/03/2012 11:58

This website for you and your son. Probably the best most comprehensive sex advice one out there IMO,

www.scarleteen.com/

Keep up the message of support, no judgement and no shock. Your son sounds very brave and confident.

CherryBlossom27 · 29/03/2012 12:00

That's really brave of him to tell you, it's really good that you're being so supportive of him, that's the best course of action! One of my friends is gay but only came out to us a year ago aged 26... I wish he had have said sooner as I feel like he spent years pretending to be someone he wasn't. His mum and sister are ok with it but not thrilled, and his dad won't mention the subject at all. From this the best advice I can give is to be supportive and talk about it with him, the main thing is that he feels he can talk to you and approach you for advice.

Original poster
suzy82 · 29/03/2012 12:02

Thanks everyone. TBH there haven't really been signs before. He's always been a pretty regular guy. I love him hugely and he knows that whatever his decision I'm there for him. The rest of the immediate family will have no issue either, although it may come as a surprise. Just really want him to be sure without any pressure.

OP posts:
Gapants · 29/03/2012 12:06

Thing is though he might feel sure now and then at a later date decide that he might not be. Adolescence is a hotbed of swirling hormones and emotions. I would be accepting, and forget about encouraging him to be "sure". He says he is, he is. Just make certain, as you would any teen, that whatever sexual activity they are engaging in, is done safely, respectfully, with consent.

Panamama · 29/03/2012 12:41

I would second what Gapants said about sexual activity. He may find it really embarassing if you hand him some leaflets or send him to a website, but it's important that he has accurate information and resources about relationships and safe sex between men. It can be confusing if most of the statistics and information (about disease transmission, sexual activities) they're exposed to relates to sex between a man and a woman. Maybe see if there are any local LGBT charities with resources on deciding when to have sex, relationships, dating, communication and other things.

mathanxiety · 29/03/2012 16:28

Gay teens are often pretty regular guys Smile. It's just one aspect of who they are as individuals, as boys or later as men.

I think a 14 year old boy would know -- no need to ask him if he is sure.

It's not really a decision either, not in the sense of being something someone chooses over another option that is equally available, like choosing to do Engineering or a B.Sc. You either are or you are not and there is nothing you can do about it. The decision to tell you and to live openly, accept it himself, be honest with others -- that is a decision, a choice.

Far better for him to come out and tell you now than to wait around for fear of your reaction, and feel he has to keep his sexual orientation hidden from you. He must have a lot of confidence in you as a parent and as a trusted adult.

Bletchley · 30/03/2012 15:14

How has he decided to handle it at school? Will he tell everyone? I don't mean he should hide it, but does he feel that everyone needs to know?

NotMostPeople · 30/03/2012 15:17

I'd be very proud of my Ds and myself if he felt able to tell me this at 14.

AlexandraTheGreat · 30/03/2012 16:26

I think it's great that he has felt able to tell you and shows what a good relationship you must have with him. I don't think there's any need for you to ask him if he is "sure" tbh - having spoken to some of my gay friends after my DD2 came out, the vast majority of them of knew by around age 12-13. DD2 herself was 13 when she came out to me. If he has felt able to tell you then I would say he is probably fairly sure tbh. Equally, if he's not sure and later realises that it was just a phase, that's fine. But I think you have to work on the assumption that it's not, because by "assuming" that it's a phase you are risking making your DS feel less accepted and worried that you are not really ok with his sexuality at all.

The LGBT children forum that someone referred to is here. Even if you don't want to post a thread, reading other people's experiences to get advice or just knowing that you are not the only one going through this can be very helpful.

Assuming that any sex education he has received from you and school so far has focussed on heterosexual activity, I think remedying that would be my first port of call.

mum47 · 30/03/2012 16:31

How very brave of him. I would be very proud of him if I were you, and also proud of yourself that you have brought him up in such a way that he feels able to tell you this. I would read up as much as you can on the links give. Knowledge is power. All the best to you and your son.

Original poster
suzy82 · 30/03/2012 17:18

I am proud of him, he's an amazing, intelligent, articulate boy and whatever his life choices he has my support. It may be a phase, it may not and he knows that either way I'm ok with it and he can always count on me. Regarding the question about school we've brought that up - I suggested he wouldn't go around shouting from the rooftops that he's heterosexual so there's no need to advertise the fact that he's gay (although I believe he has already shared the fact with close, supportive friends of both sexes). Thanks for the advice and links which have been a great help.

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