Very personal text messages - eek!

[whodbeateacher]

My 14 (nearly 15) year old boy has a new GF (same age). I've met her and she seems pleasant enough. They text each other constantly each and every day, FB all the time etc.

Today I looked at his phone (yes, I know I shouldn't) only to find numerous messages between them that were frankly pornographic about what they wanted to do to each other. I nearly died! There is no hint that either of them have done anything but I'm frantic - and have no idea how to approach this. What would you do? I have talked to him in general terms about being sensible and behaving appropriately and he listens and nods but these texts were something else!

Help!

Erm well. Depends. Were the both participating not one encouraging the other ? Did the messages seem respectful or more porn like ?
What have you talked about ? Contraception as well as sex ?

Porn - like something from The Inbetweeners, each of them responding to the other. I was utterly shocked (by the language, and outright lack of respect from either of them). I have no idea where it's come from (or whether it's just what teenagers do to appear big.

We've talked about 'being safe' but I can't get my head around the fact that at 14 he may already be experiementing (or worse). He doesn't drink or do drugs, is doing ok at school and generally behaves.

Is is just bravado?

I dont know - it might be just bravado.
(ive not wated the inbetweens btw)
Im not sure what advice to give. I remember doing similar but at 16 rather than 15. We were actually doing those things by then as well.

Well, you shouldn't have looked...

But since you did, I think all you can do is have a general conversation about respect, safe sex etc and trust him.

Of course you're right - I shouldn't. I guess my worry is that assuming they are just writing such things to appear big and knowing, both of them may not realise the implications if messages like that were seen by others (not just me). I want to somehow have a talk with him about phones/emails etc NOT being private things and what might happen if things like this became public knowledge (even if there is nothing happening)!

You shouldn't have looked.

I KNOW I shouldn't have looked - but I have. Be helpful to have some more helpful comments rather than just telling me the obvious!

Just talk generally about safe sex. Will you tell him you read his messages?

I feel like I OUGHT to say that I have and tell him my worries. But as you all pointed out it is a breach of trust I know that and at the moment, we can communicate (or so I thought). But what they say and what they do....

My husband is convinced we need to talk to him but only on general terms. He thinks such texts are normal bravado and may mean nothing. But I'm not so sure.

You have to be careful he doesn't stop trusting you and talking to you

I don't understand your worry about other people seeing the texts?! No one sees the texts on my phone apart form me, they are private.

I think, even at that age, he and his gf have the right to send each other texts that are explicit.

You just need to let him know you are there for help and advice and that he needs to practice safe sex.

It's not bravado making them write those things, it is horniness.

I think a conversation about things like that not always staying private is a good idea... There are always stories about people getting in trouble because texts/ emails/ FB statuses become public.

I'd be inclined to keep it a general conversation though - I wouldn't let on that you read the messages.

It's highly likely that other people could see those texts .. Boys in particular are always grabbing each other's phones for a 'laugh' and could easily see and/or forward the texts onto someone else. Or the girl's parents might check her phone etc etc

For all of you saying the OP shouldn't have looked, where do you draw the line? There's an epidemic at my dc's schools of sending extremely explicit pictures to each other - several photos have been forwarded onto other boys - these are all underage kids who are too immature and naive to have any idea of the seriousness of what they're doing. Or would you all just shrug and say it's private (which it patently isn't) and leave them to it?

If it were my daughter he was texting explicitly I would blame him - even if they were both doing it. Could try a discussion along lines of ' so happy that you are so sensible - what would her father do if you weren't respectful to his daughter'. Her Dad, or Mum being built like a brick privvy would help.

I was doing this with a boy when we were both 13/14. We had phone sex age 15 but apart from kissing nothing ever happened with him until my 18th birthday.
It was like a "safe" way of experimenting I think with all these new sexual feelings I was having without actually doing anything with him