Checking DD's emails - where would you stand?

[SophiaN]

I occasionally look at my 15yo daughter's emails when she leaves them up on her laptop. I've never found any causes for concern in there, but I do it out of paranoia. Lately, I've felt rather guilty over it. Is this justified of me? She's fairly mature, but can be impulsive, and can collapse under stress and do the most ridiculous things.

Its not a popular opinion on MN to snoop, but afaiac I will snoop and keep watch (for his own protection) on DS until he is an adult.

i think it depends on your child. you now them and how they cope with things, if they hide things etc.
ds1 is 14 and terrible. He's so secretive and we've had many facebook scrapes with him being bullied over fb, text and email. He seems to have victim written all over him.
We have tried dealing with this openly with him but he denies anything is going on. So we keep an eye and fmaily policy is if you have fb, email and under 18 then passwords are shared. This also occurred as ds1 locked his laptop and forgot the password and we couldnt unlock it, it cost a bomb to be fixed at the pc repair shop.

I would have a quick nose probably, if they were right there

You'd have to be prepared to sit on your hands if there was anything you didn't like though. I think it is a breach of trust, and the DD would be right to feel aggrieved about it, and I would be in the wrong.

I'd still do it though. In case there was anything seriously wrong going on.

I think it would be a massive breach of trust to snoop on my DD's emails - I would expect her to entend the same privacy to me if she came across my computer/phone so will treat her the same as I expect to be treated...

The same goes (in my option) to knocking on her bedroom door and generally treating her like the adult she is becoming.

But then she's not particularly secretive and will show/tell me about things that she's concerned about or not sure how to respond.. but on the whole she sorts all this out herself...

I have full access to my sons emails, but he does know and willingly lets me have password as sometimes he wants me to check things for him etc.

Well we sort of open each others anyway depending on who is on the laptop etc. same as with postal mail. However would question why you would want to snoop why would you be paranoid, I understand there is the worry of girls being groomed etc but our DD'S know the signs and we feel our openess would enable dialogue. If she finds out well don a hard hat !!

Dd is only 11 so not too much of an issue for me yet. I would like to think I wouldn't read email content but I'd probably keep an eye on who emails were from. If there was a name I didn't recognise I'd ask who they were and as long as it's someone she actually knows in real life then I'd leave it.

I vividly remember my mum trying to read my emails over my shoulder when I was around 14, and her determination to read them ended with me screaming, trying to turn the computer off, and my dad pulling me away while my mum sat down to read through them thoroughly.
There was nothing there that would raise concern, but I was so horrified with the invasion of my personal conversations that we didn't speak for months after the event because I was so furious.

Looking back, I know I reacted awfully, and my reaction gave her the impression that I was hiding something. But (and this is just my opinion), I firmly believe that it is wrong to check such things.

Try asking her who she talks to, what she talks about, etc. in an curious way, but not as if you are accusing her of keeping secrets. She won't appreciate it :P

I think it's fair enough.

I think that as a child it is our job as adults to look out for and protect them where possible.

I also think that in an era where with the click of a mouse children (and adults, but we're talking children here) have access to who-knows-who on the internet we need to be a lot more vigilant about keeping an eye out for them, because it is an easy trap to fall into, to get too drawn in online.

This isn't the same as when we were growing up - it's not like reading someone's diary or their love letters from their bf/gf. Children can and do get drawn into difficult situations with people they've met online. And they do put themselves at risk. I attended an internet safety talk a couple of years ago, and it was revealed that around 25% of under 16 shave met up with someone they met on the internet - without their parents' knowledge.

So yes, I think that as a parent it is my job to look out for my ds while he is still a minor, and if that means having access to his internet history/emails etc then so be it.

I think even if you don't wish to read them and trust your kids, I think the understanding should always be there that you can if you feel there is a need.

I saw a program on bbc3 the other night about cyber bullying. I think it was called 'Antisocial networking'. A 15yo boy had taken his own life after one night of cyber bullying. I hope my daughter will be happy for me to read her emails etc when she is 15. The web can be a lonely and dangerous public place.

I find the whole issue of privacy concerning emails, social networking, texting etc really tricky.
On the one hand 'today's' young people seem to think they have an absolute right to privacy - on the other hand they don't seem to understand that the personal info they're so keen to share with friends etc is completely outwith their control once they've sent it and the possibility of getting into difficulties is huge.

Occasionally I play the 'When I was your age we had to make do with one phone in the house and that was it' card with my DC, and I say to them that if they're secretive they make me suspicious of them. I wouldn't mind anyone reading my texts or emails - but I don't bitch or say anything hugely significant in my texts/emails.

On the other hand I probably wouldn't have liked the thought of my mum reading my emails (if there had been such a thing) when I was a teenager. It's a desire for independence I think.
If my DC left emails 'open' as it were I'd probably not manage to resist the temptation to read them, but I wouldn't feel good about myself.
Sorry, that's probably no help.

I would not deliberately go snooping (and I wouldn't have the first idea of how to get into their computers - everything's password protected) but if I go into my kids' rooms to talk to them about something, my eyes are drawn to whatever is on their screens.

Also, we all have iPhones in this house and if an email or text comes in, it appears on the front screen. If someone leaves their phone lying around, I can't help but have a nosey at who is texting or emailing and the first few lines of the message. To be fair though, I caught my DD having a sneaky stickybeak at a text that had just arrived on my phone the other day, so I guess it works both ways!

That's the limit of it though.

I wouldn't do it unless I had a very good reason to suspect there is a problem. Of course there are dangers, but those dangers will still be there in 3 years' time when dd moves from home: I think she will be safer if she gets used to thinking of herself as a person who is trusted and can be trusted.